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Sophie_M Welcome to the Grief and Loss section
  • replies: 27

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to ... View more

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but it can help to allow yourself to: share your grief, and let others support you. This forum category is for all discussions relating to how grief and loss has affected you, providing a space for you to express your feelings, discuss difficult moments and anniversaries, and honour the memories of your lost loved ones. Please be aware that threads in this forum may contain discussions of self-harm and suicide.

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SubduedBlues Until death do us part.
  • replies: 5

Perhaps it is old fashioned, but I have always believed that solemn vows made before God were for life. There is no recanting them, no way to unspeak the spoken words. ... to love honour and cherish her above all others ... in sickness and in health ... View more

Perhaps it is old fashioned, but I have always believed that solemn vows made before God were for life. There is no recanting them, no way to unspeak the spoken words. ... to love honour and cherish her above all others ... in sickness and in health ... for better or for worse ... all the days of my life ... until death do us part When my daughter turned 18, and there was an argument between my wife and my daughter I had no choice but to side with my wife; the first vow. For the past few months she has been angry about everything. Ok, it's the third vow time (again) -- we've been married over 20 years? Last week she said if I won't leave, she will... and she left. This brings us to parting... the final vow. As it would be amiss of me to ask of her to uphold her final vows, as if she was really wiiling to she'd have never gotten past the third vow. So I guess it falls to me. In order to keep my solumn vows, made before God, if we are to part, by death it must be. [Note: where faith in God and religion is no longer mainstream, it remains critically important to me. Any response that attacks the religious sacrament of marriage, its intent amongst the religious, or religion in general, is taken in offense. Anything else you may have to say is inconsequential as you shall be without any credibility. So don't do it. I am, however, interested in the collective viewpoint on traditional vows, particularly from those of us who have taken them, and how we move forward (or not) in light of our final vow.]

debz Not coping with the losses
  • replies: 3

How do I write this without it saying, poor me. I have suffered Depression and Anxiety for a very long time, I do know life is hard, and it dishes it out very frequently, most of the time I can get through my spouts of depression without too much eff... View more

How do I write this without it saying, poor me. I have suffered Depression and Anxiety for a very long time, I do know life is hard, and it dishes it out very frequently, most of the time I can get through my spouts of depression without too much effect, but it is now getting way to hard, so I am reaching out. I cannot talk to my family. This past 2 years have been a very hard struggle. It started September 15 2012 when my nanna past away, I adored her so much, we would sit on the phone for hours and just chat about nothing, (I think that is why it is now hurting so much, I don't have her to talk too). July last year, my brother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, he was 33, two weeks after that my other nanna was put into a home with the notice that we are unsure how long she will survive, two weeks after that my auntie was diagnosed with Myemloma (blood cancer), my auntie passed away end of August. My brother saw through Christmas, wish was a massive blessing, as we had an idea it would be his last. My brother passed away in January, I still find it hard to talk about him, I miss him so much, it isn't fair. About 6 weeks after my brother past away, his girlfriend was diagnosed with the same cancer, I am unsure exactly how long she has, but we are just trying to be there for her. Beginning of June, my other nanna past away, my poor mum is helpless, my family have closed the doors, they are all numb, I have no idea how to deal with it, how to help my family and how long can the crying go on. I am so angry all the time, my poor kids cop it mostly. I have no patience, I am dealing with a bully at work, that I am so close to exploding out on, that I will lose it at her, so I'm thinking i might find another job I'm kinda hoping that someone can take this pain away, even thought my heart knows that cannot be done.

josie5 Im losing control of my emotions!
  • replies: 14

Hey all,It wasnt too long ago i was on here talking about my partner and I. This time its much harder. We have been going through a real rough time in the past few months and he spent a month in jail for a traffic violation. Since then its been extre... View more

Hey all,It wasnt too long ago i was on here talking about my partner and I. This time its much harder. We have been going through a real rough time in the past few months and he spent a month in jail for a traffic violation. Since then its been extremely downhill with his own trust issues. I thought him going to jail would be a good thing because it would have meant he was a month of alcohol and pot. After he came out it was good for about a week. We have had several screaming arguments over him not trusting me and another where we both called the police on each other and an AVO was brought into place but only to prevent family violence. On friday, im not sure what happened but he was EXTREMELY angry at me and im still clueless onto why he was because i had been at work all day. When i saw him it was at our regular friday activity and he was not in a good mood so i left him. i spoke to him and he said gday mate how you going mate so i just walked away so i didnt snap at him. he was openly flirting with other women in front of me (that hurt) and then when i was out he was trying to find his own lift home. He got home about 45 mins after me. came in kicking the bedroom door and was calling me awful names for no reason, i hadnt got angry yet just confused. anyway he ended up attacking me, so i ran away. Since then he has been in the police lock up and i have been more in a I HATE YOU mood until today. He went to court and i rang the courts and he has been left in the cells for another week until his next court hearing and that has brought on the sadness. It hurts to know he is there with no one to help him with clean clothes etc. I know everyone will say your better off and i know that but im starting to lose control of my emotions. I know he tried to kill me and all that but i havent stopped loving him, that will take time to extinguish and a long time i suspect. I thought i was going to marry this man. We had already planned our wedding and baby names etc. HELP!beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

mummyof3 Grieving and fear
  • replies: 4

Hi Guys, Apologies in advance I am all over the place. I lost my mum 6 months ago and my best friend almost 2 years ago both to cancer. I kept myself busy after both deaths and very much distracted myself. I thought I was doing ok until a month ago w... View more

Hi Guys, Apologies in advance I am all over the place. I lost my mum 6 months ago and my best friend almost 2 years ago both to cancer. I kept myself busy after both deaths and very much distracted myself. I thought I was doing ok until a month ago when I think it all hit me and I felt so alone without them. Not only do I have that longing and empty hole digging my chest I am terrified of losing what I have left. (My husband and kids) and its almost like I am waiting for someone else to die or for something to go wrong. I am holding my 11 month old right now as she sleeps and I am fearful that something would ever happen to her or either of my sons and the anxiety is just unbearable. Even the slightest fever or injury they have I am terrified its going to be life threatening and I am overwhelmed. I have an amazing husband (who works a fifo roster) so he is not often home but when he leaves every time I feel overwhelmed again with grief and fear Its almost like I am having these anxiety attacks because I am afraid of losing people? Has anyone else who is riding the grief or loss rollercoaster ever had similar feelings? I am going to grief counseling. Where hopefully I can find a starting place to dig myself out of this hole.

peking Dealing with a friends suicide
  • replies: 6

I'm a 54yr old male and have been sharing my accommodation with three guys in their 20's . This is not what I had in mind but something that just occurred. It seems I collect strays.In April we moved from my two bedroom unit to a four bedroom house a... View more

I'm a 54yr old male and have been sharing my accommodation with three guys in their 20's . This is not what I had in mind but something that just occurred. It seems I collect strays.In April we moved from my two bedroom unit to a four bedroom house and all seemed to be great. One of the guys "S" had started a relationship in October last year and another started his in May this year. It was a great happy noisy house and I thought this was as close to perfect as I would ever experience.On June 2nd Skilled himself. In no way can I understand why he did this. The pain he has left us with is at times unbearable. Fortunately because of my history with depression and anxiety I was of a clear enough mind to organise to get professional help. Whilst this help has been of some help there are times like today when I just want to lash out at people or things or my cats or my friends. I hurt so much I just want to hurt someone or something. I'm close to the other guys and we talk a lot and have all been reconciling this in our own way but I'm scarred that I'm not coping. I love to cook and can't think of a thing I want to cook and when I do I don't want to eat. I'm an avid photographer but don't want to touch my camera and it's hard to work on the photo's I have on the computer. I love listening to music but at the moment I can't stand the noise. At times I want to hurt others or me so that I feel something else. I know it's not rational but then what he did was not rational. I love him and miss him so much. I can't see a time when this will be alright. At present I can't see a time when this will be OK. At present I just don't see a future.Everyone keeps telling me it gets better. When? How? After dealing with my other stuff for over thirty years I wonder how I'm going to deal with this.As some other posters have put I'm not after sympathy. It's pointless and I get enough of it at present. I guess what I'm after is to understand. Not why he did it as I don't think any of us could do that. I want to understand why such a beautiful man has left such a dark place in me. I want to understand how can I make me right.beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Scargill Depression as a result of my husband of 45 years having dementia.
  • replies: 18

My husband has been in "low level" care for 14 months & 2 weeks ago, whilst I was in hospital, was transferred to a Dementia Specific Unit. I was his carer for about 4 years prior to him going into care. My own health problems were increasing & I was... View more

My husband has been in "low level" care for 14 months & 2 weeks ago, whilst I was in hospital, was transferred to a Dementia Specific Unit. I was his carer for about 4 years prior to him going into care. My own health problems were increasing & I was finding it very hard looking after him. I have had depression for sometime but it has increased greatly since my husband has been "in care". Due to me not being able to tolerate medications for depression I have been having TMS which was helping but this last lot was during my husbands transfer to the D.S.U. I have been extremely depressed since. Let me explain a little..... my husband was the first man I went out with as I was scared of men due to assaults as a 10 year old & a teenager. But when I met my husband it was amazing. We have had 45 years of wonderful marriage. He was my rock. But he is fast disappearing & it is heartbreaking. It was suggested to me by one of the staff at the hospital I was in to write him a letter about our life. Well, I think I'm a coward as so far I have only been able to write about 5 lines. I' m scared,I think, of feeling even worse if I go back to look at the wonderful life with him I had. So.......... any suggestions, thoughts, ideas would/could be helpful. Yes, I know I am grieving but its so damn hard. Yes I have had suicidal thoughts but so far the voice in my head has prevailed "Ellen you have your daughters & grandchildren to think about" so you can't kill yourself. I hope I can keep hearing that voice.beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

white knight GRIEF - dealing with it
  • replies: 3

Grief, oh boy, what a challenge to write about. It comes when you lose a loved one in death, or by the loss of their mind, the loss of a marriage, full time parenthood, all parenthood, a loved pet,,,major loss of any sort. There is no fully qualified... View more

Grief, oh boy, what a challenge to write about. It comes when you lose a loved one in death, or by the loss of their mind, the loss of a marriage, full time parenthood, all parenthood, a loved pet,,,major loss of any sort. There is no fully qualified expert out there in my view- on grief. Some counsellors come close and they help. But its tough. The process we all know. We suffer great loss for a period, we continue to suffer for another period with some normal functions like returning to work and then we function normally with grief periods reduced. These 'periods' time wise depends on the individual. There is no guide as to what is ok. Some grieve lifelong, other for short times. What is difficult for some is their depth of grief swallows them up, not believing there is an answer, an end to it and negative thoughts take over. This is more prevalent in mentally ill persons because they already slide into depression and anxiety and other illnesses easily. It could be yet another trigger. IMO but there is a big difference between grief and depression. I'll leave that one to the experts. Stigma of grieving continues. Sadly it does. Men still cant cry in front of other men. We have a darn long way to go here. But men and women in grief weeks after their loss and working in their job - what about then. What about in customer service? Do you have any suggestions? I only have one suggestion to help. Choose a time and place to grieve or it will bottle up and explode at the inappropriate time. Interested in your views and techniques to manage grief. THE ATTIC IN YOUR LIFE Sometimes you have to rest when you see life of a different type you have to release yourself from reality into the attic of your life. T'is there you sit in an empty room to glare at the roof and eaves and search through the dormer windows of evidence spirits leave Just a single item of love to confirm you are not alone perhaps through winds of whisper image of weathered stone. Those who dont feel the love of those no longer there have no attic to visit the spirits of love no staircase to get them there Then you return downstairs where you live life of a different type but you'll be eager to return sometime soon - to the attic of your life.....

Reality getting out of bed
  • replies: 1

Hi...have just registered with beyond blue though I've know about the organisation for a while. I'm coping okay at the moment. I lost my job in May and at 54 on the search again! My age appears to be a barrier, as most organisations/employers want ex... View more

Hi...have just registered with beyond blue though I've know about the organisation for a while. I'm coping okay at the moment. I lost my job in May and at 54 on the search again! My age appears to be a barrier, as most organisations/employers want experience though someone young! (though who knows with the Budgets incentive payment to employ over 50 yr olds, perhaps that may help!) The black hole has always been a part of my life, my journey. When it hits I often have difficulty getting out of bed and sleep a lot! I imagine common to many. The thing is, at the moment, I am not bouncing out of bed and am sleeping in, and I am catching my inner critic saying "Your hopeless, worthless, cant even get out of bed, should be grateful for the life you have!" I then acknowledge my inner critic's voice and choose to soothe and respect myself (most of the time). I am not defective or worthless.

Shan8 Grieving a parent
  • replies: 3

I lost my dad three months ago, suddenly to a heart attack. He was 51, exercised 5 times a week, didn't smoke, didn't drink- he was riding his bike in a race, finished the race and collapsed just past the finish line. I never got to say goodbye and t... View more

I lost my dad three months ago, suddenly to a heart attack. He was 51, exercised 5 times a week, didn't smoke, didn't drink- he was riding his bike in a race, finished the race and collapsed just past the finish line. I never got to say goodbye and this is something I am struggling with every day. How do you deal when someone, a person you believed would be a solid part of your life and be present in all the important (and unimportant) parts of my life- he was meant to walk me down the aisle, be a pop to the children I would have, retire with my Mum when they were old and wrinkly and go on holidays with me. I feel so tired all the time, I know I am grieving, this is grief - this is life! But how does one simply pick up the pieces and move on with life? I am so angry that my Dad is missing out on all the things he wanted to do, we wanted to travel as a family, have a sea change, hold his grandson (my brothers baby) who will be born next month. I would like to know how others deal with this situation, I've read all the articles- meditation, counselling, healthy foods, find a hobby, exercise but I would like to read personal stories of people experiencing the sudden loss of someone they thought would be in their lives forever.

FriendlyGiant Losing Mum
  • replies: 5

Hi everyone, This is my first time to the beyond blue community, and in fact the first time I'm reaching out for support. I'm a little lost where to start, so bear with me if you will. I'm originally from the UK and moved to Australia just over four ... View more

Hi everyone, This is my first time to the beyond blue community, and in fact the first time I'm reaching out for support. I'm a little lost where to start, so bear with me if you will. I'm originally from the UK and moved to Australia just over four years ago with my wife. Last year I had possibly one of the most rewarding / challenging years of my life. Not least including: starting a new business (and hiring / firing employees), the birth of my first child, a dozen or so Interstate trips, a few international trips, moving house and most devastatingly the loss of my mother (that lived in the UK). Needless to say the roller coaster of these events has worn me down, and had me on my knees for a few months. For the best part, I'm no stranger to adversity and have coped with most of the challenges as best as anyone can / could. However, the loss of my Mother has stayed with me, and I regularly feel the weight of the loss. I was able to return to the UK for her funeral, and to help my sister with as much of the 'tidying' as I could (with a 9 month old baby and wife in tow). The relationship with my Sister was very strained (she was Mum's primary carer, as Mum got worse), and she made the situation a lot more difficult at the time than was needed (thankfully this is somewhat resolved now - Oddly her behaviour was her way of coping too I guess). Mum was only 62 when she passed, and I certainly feel like she was stolen from us to soon. I hate not having her in my life to share the joy of my baby growing up and to be the wonderful grandmother I knew she could have been. I'm not afforded much time to indulge in self-reflection between family & work, but often find myself feeling down, sad and sometimes in tears thinking of Mum. I know that a lot of this is normal giving the loss of such an important person in my life, and that it's certainly not unique, I'm just struggling to find a mechanism to process the loss and to relieve some of the anxiety I think I have. Having a (now) 16 month baby around to keep me occupied, certainly does a pretty good job at keeping my mind on the positives of life, but (between that and work) it also restricts how & when I can grieve. I'm sad to say I've (verbally) snapped at my wife once or twice when I've been feeling down, and she hasn't been able to see that I was sad (she's not a mind reader, so I certainly don't blame her!). I know I'm the only one that can pull myself out of grieving, and that it's not necessarily a pain that ever goes all together, but I'm keen to hear other people's advice on how I can navigate this loss and learn to reflect on the positives of Mum's life so I can learn to be positive once more and get back to enjoying life as an otherwise very lucky husband / father with a wonderful little family of my own.