How do I deal with the loss of my 2nd Child, to what I believe, suicide.......

[Suze005]

I lost my eldest son in 1997 to suicide,  now I have just lost my eldest daughter to what I feel is the same.  We have to wait for 6 mths for toxicology results as her autopsy was deemed inconclusive. I dont know how to feel or what to do

 After my son died, it raised all my grief from a miscarriage I suffered about 5 years earlier, and this in turn made me all clucky and I desperately wanted to have another baby. I was just 40 and although my marriage was rocky, we had not just 1 but 2 then 3 more kids, with an oppsy at 45.........    At the same time my daughter was also grieving for her brother but had met her partner and they too were having a family, so we alternated having babies for the next few years with both of us having our last 1 week apart in 2003. Soon after my marriage ended.

After some years a rift happened with my daughter and I still don't know why, but she moved to qld with her partner and kids.(my grand-kids)  Until last week I hadn't seen her or the kids for about 7 years, it was her choice to cut us out and try as I might she refused to have any contact with us whatsoever. It has been really hard trying to deal with the loss of those years and the loss of her.  With friends relaying her recent posts on FB the state of mind she was in led me to believe her.

I don't know if what I am feeling is self pity or the right amount of grief, I have my kids I have to look after alone, they have no (or very little) contact with their father, so I have to be there for them as well, and life, work, everything I am responsible for is all just too hard right now.  I just don't want to do anything. Its all too hard.

[white knight]

Hi Suze, welcome to beyond blue forum and I'm sorry you havent had a reply on your topic. It is not an easy one to reply to.

Some say "we cant pick our family". I dont believe in that statement because in effect that locks you into people  and obligations to family members. I have two daughters for example, the eldest 25yo is great, respects me and came to live with me at age 12. My yougest 21yo shows no respect, no contact and rejects all of my kind loving acts towards her. Sad. A few months ago she made me her friend on Facebook. 6 weeks later without warning she defriended me. this game playing had to stop after many years. It did. I cancelled my Fb account and the game is over. I will no longer accept approaches from her. Sounds harsh? yes it does but you ahve to draw the line somewhere or it will just continue.

What I'm saying here is that you have had no control over the situation with your daughter and she obviously had lots of mental issues. Life can throw these hurdles at you and you dont know how you can cope. Well, you have your children to care for. That alone means you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move forward. Make sure you spend a little time daily thinking about your son and daughter and the memories you had with them then concentrate on you beaut kids you have now.

Seek an appointment with your doctor and talk about it.

I hope you are ok. Read threads here, it will help. 

[Suze005]

ty white knight...  we can pick our friends but we cant pick our family.   I can understand your frustration with your younger daughter.  You cant control what traits they pick up from which parent and unfortunately my daughter picked up her fathers traits, I dont know if she was depressed but I can only assume so. She was a controller and they dont like to loose.

I think her revenge was the ultimate one that hurt all of us not just her partner. I loved her dearly even though I knew all her faults.  Its hard to cope with life right now, but I know I have to keep going for my family that I know love me.

 thanx again for your reply...  nice to know someone has read/taken notice.  

Take Care 

Suze

[Neil_1]

Dear Suze

Firstly, I'm so pleased that White Knight came to you and provided you with a very caring and insightful post - he's a very experienced, kind and knowledgeable person, as you possibly picked up.

As you can see from my post numbers, I usually am here HEAPS, but just of late, things haven't been so flash, so have had some days away - but I'm here now.

I'm so sorry to hear of the losses of both your son and now your daughter - which is obviously very raw for you at this time.  Then it's the process of grief and dealing with that - and i can see exactly what you mean when you say that you don't want to do anything and how HARD everything is.

People we love die and does the world stop and mourn.  No, and you so wish it would - um sorry, this is how I feel each time it's happened to me - the world continues, but we are wrecked and damaged.

Is it at all possible with your job that you can take some "leave" away from work - I say in quotes, as do you have grounds for compassionate leave or hell, just even leave without pay (having said that, that option I'd imagine would be nigh on impossible for you being a solo mum).  But just a couple of options - just so you don't have to be going to work or being concerned about that.

Yes, you've got your children to love, to care for and to look after - BUT Suze, you've also got to make sure that you look after yourself as well.   I think this is one positive step you've taken - to come here and post.

While it seems the responses have been few and far between, I'm going to be here for the next few days at the very least - so would LOVE to hear back from you - if you feel ok to do so.

Kind regards

Neil

[geoff]

dear Suze, I can only apologise for not responding to your post but now you have heard from two of our list of great people, and indeed there are plenty of others as well.

Although I am not involved in your life, that doesn't mean that I can not feel the absolute pain that you have to go through, because I do, and how sincerely sorry I am just as the others feel.

Please let me tell you that you are not suffering from self pity, it's easy to always feel this way but it's wrong, if I am allowed to say this, it's grief, the devastation that you now have to go through, but even though you have kids to look after, who you also love so much, you can't face this journey by yourself, no matter how strong you are or how strong you think you are, you really need professional guidance so that it's much easier to cope with.

Can I explain just quickly the problem that happened with me, and I promise it won't be long, but when my wife divorced me and we had to sell our house my youngest son wouldn't talk or communicate with me, but endurance by me and constant calling him eventually paid off, so I wouldn't entirely feel that she won't be in contact, but let's put this at the back of your mind, and get help which you really need to be that strong person again.

This may seem to be a hard call, and yes it always is when in depression, but it can be reduced this feeling you now have, and please remember when we have had depression we are always prone for a relapse, as I have had a couple of relapses, so no one is immune for an occurrence but with help it can lessened. L Geoff. x