My daughter grew her wings at only 14 weeks old

[RedRose13]

My daughter passed away last October while undergoing her second heart surgery. I have a 7 week old baby who was due on my little girls angelversary, I was induced early - for my own mental wellbeing! But I have been struggling a lot lately, I think maybe it's a combination of baby blues and grief. I have started having horrible nightmares, I've woken from my sleep sweating, screaming, crying, and it's really messing with my head. I have been putting on a fake smile and convincing everyone I'm fine, but I'm really not coping, with the nightmares, my own insecurities and having a new baby.. I'm not scared that I'll do something stupid or irrational.. I'm just worried that my cracks will start to show more and my children and my husband will be the ones who suffer!

i have a 7y.o son, 6y.o step daughter, 5y.o step daughter, my 18m.o angel and a 7w.o daughter.

[white knight]

Dear red rose

Welcome to Beyond Blue forums

You are expecting too much of yourself. But also, children are resilient. they adapt to their environment much easier than adults. They will learn that mum isnt good every day but mum loves us unconditionally. That's life and when they learn there are hoops and hurdles in life they will jump them easier than you hiding them away only for them to learn when older that mum has protected us from them.

It's ok to feel crap. It's ok to go away for a few hours and meditate. It's all ok. Your guilt and worry will harm you and your family more than other things.

As far as others realising you have problems, relax, there is a significant silent number of others in society that also hide their fears and pain. You are not alone. Friends that run away when they see your pain are not friends at all. I think you know this, know the theory of it all, judging by your post and how it is written. So be realistic and accept that your fears are not do unusual.

Guilt and worry is- non productive. It can harm your well being.

Try search on top of this page and read a few threads that are relevant like-

Meditation - words of wisdom - it helped me for 25 years

Inexpensive recovery idea - camping

take care. Tony WK

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Redrose13,

Thank you for posting. My name is John and I am fifty years old. My third child, a daughter Jessica, died at the age of eight weeks from causes unknown. The term the medical profession uses is Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. That was nearly seventeen years ago. I have two older and two younger than her, all alive.

I do not have any words of comfort for you, I cannot think of one thing I could say that would help to either lesson the pain of your families loss or stop you worrying about your youngest. For many years after my last two were born I used to check on them every hour or so as they slept. If I wasn't sure they were breathing, I'd pinch them to make them move or wake up. It sounds crazy, I know, but the fear is palpable. Like you, I never thought I'd harm the next children, but I was worried they'd come to harm as had my Jessica.

You are very new into your grief. I often tell people that losing a child is not a sickness you recover from, but an amputation you learn to live with. That is how I think of it and even after all these years and I feel the pain of her absence and imagine what she'd be doing now if she were alive, I know that I should expect that pain and I must accept it, like an amputation! You know, even now, my youngest son is thirteen and I share custody of him. Every single night I wake up and check on him every hour or so. He snores like a chain saw so I don't have to pinch him (lol) but I still make the pointless check, anyway.

Please try and get some support. There are charities that specialise in supporting bereaved parents of children, such as SIDSandKids, regardless of your babies cause of death.

If it doesn't hurt much, I'd be honoured to know her name and if you like I will remember her in the times that I think of my own daughter.

Kind regards, John.

[RedRose13]

Hi white knight,

Thank you for your words. 

As apart of my sons treatment for adhd & odd, and his clean sleep hygiene routine, we meditate each night before he goes to bed. It just makes me think more, I find it hard to have a blank mind - and find myself more upset.

I am not really scared that people will "know" I'm not ok.. I'm more scared of what they will think, how I will be viewed, if they think I'm a bad mother, or a bad wife. I know these are unrealistic things, but it is my fear.. I reached out to a counsellor last week and by what she said, she made me feel as though I was dangerous to my kids, she said "I'm going to ask you some questions, you don't have to tell me everything about your past or how you're feeling, because these forms can be used in court later and if you tell me things, then by law I have to write it down.!" She made me feel like I was going to go cookoo and neglect or hurt my kids.. She didn't say those words but that was how I felt.. I got defensive and didn't open up at all, I was scared that if I said the wrong thing, my kids could be taken away.. I am scared to admit that I'm not ok, because of the fear of what might happen as a result. 

I love my children more than life itself, and in all honesty.. My son is, I think, the only thing that stopped me from

taking my life after loosing scarlett. I feel like I need to defend what kind of mum I am.. Don't get me wrong, there's times when i feel O can't handle my kids, but no more than any other parent I've ever met! 

I have so many insecurities and so much fear for what people think of me. 

I have many issues inside my mind and my heart, I don't know how to express my pain. I cry, for no good reason, and sometimes I hate myself for it. I get frustrated, I get angry, I slam doors and I Storm off.. But I cry.. Almost instantly!! I hate showing my pain, so I get angry.. I have tried 3 different counsellors and none of them have helped, in fact, I think they've made me worse. How do I find help?

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

 

[white knight]

Hi redrose

Bare in mind we are sufferers of mental illness ourselves.  But I would track down a grief counsellor.  I think your problems ATM stem from your continuing frief of your saddest loss.

I hope you are ok. If needed seek out the chat number at the top of the page. Utilise Beyond Blue facilities as you need.

Best of luck and take care.

Tony WK