It's been 1.5 years and I am still heavily grieving after the death of my mum.

[PurpleFairy93]

I'm 21, my mum had been physically sick with a whole range of illnesses my whole life which I believe led to her also being what I assume was heavily depressed and even for lack of a better word, mental.

also, we never really knew everything that was going on with her because neither her or her doctor would tell us and she was always bitter or sleeping which made it very hard to communicate effectively with her.

i cared for her a lot whilst growing up but I never realized I became relatively desensitized to her suffering because I was around it so much. 

I said many many hurtful things to her. I know now that I was taking my stress from her out on her, and she had lived for so long being so sick, my family and I naively got used to an idea that she was always going to live. 

Even the week she died we knew it was imminent but we didn't know how to react and she refused any help and had half lost her mind by that stage, so we kind have just went about our week relatively normally knowing she was likely to die any day then.. A thought which we had been having for years but was so much more real at that stage.

 it has been 1.5 years since her death and I live with heavy guilt every single day and night. I used to be so positive and now it's like there's no point. My siblings don't feel the same as we all have different experiences of relationships with her and I hate bringing it up to them because I don't want them to feel bad. I've always been the strong one who has been there for others and never asked for help.

 i feel like I will never heal because you can't change the past and I can't take back the horrible things I said to her. 

No amount of positive words or affirmations or self forgiveness has helped at all.

what can I do? I try talking to her spirit, I've been to psychics, I've written to her in my diary etc. but I feel no change. 

Thank you

[CrashCoyote]

Hi PurpleFairy93,

Thank you for your post.

I am a father of five, my two eldest are older than you. Believe me that your mum loved you unreservedly, even if she could not always show it. I do not know if you are a parent yet, but if you are you will know the very pure and profound feelings of both love and pain that only parents know.

Grieving is a normal part of life and it has five generally accepted stages. Every person goes through each stage but every person does it at their own pace. There is some information on this site and the internet that explains this if you have time to read it.

Children (even as adults) often say harsh words to parents. Sometimes without knowing it, sometimes deliberately. Parents capacity to forgive is usually endless. Relationships with those we love or care about are frequently the subject of disagreement and harsh words. That is normal. Try to remember that all of us sometimes say and do things we regret.

My middle child was born sixteen years ago and she died when she was eight weeks old. I still think about her and I still miss her. Initially I could think of nothing else and could only cry at the thought of losing her. Now, all these years later, I don't think of her all the time, some days I don't think of her at all when life with four other kids and my own stuff gets too busy. Sometimes I smile or laugh thinking about her and the few memories I have of her short life.

I do not know what your religious beliefs are but if you believe in a hereafter and that you will one day see you mum again, maybe a local religious leader can provide some insight or comfort for you. If you do not have such beliefs, let me know as grief is not the domain of the God fearing, even heathens like me grieve.

I look forward to your next post. Your mum loved you more than you may ever know.

Kind regards, John.

[jtz]

Hi PF93,

i know it is answers you are searching for... I don't have them I am afraid. what I can do is share my similar experience with you to let you know you are not lone in your suffering. i was 22 when I lost my mum. It was 12 months after losing my partner who I had planned to marry. My mum too had been sick, with heart disease. She left my father and I in my late teens, moved over seas, on a holiday, then longer holidays, then seemed to settle over there. I always thought she would return. I made her promise me she would if she thought her health was deteriorating. I missed her so much. I cried a lot. I was also angry with her leaving me. She called one day, she had had enough of living over there, asking if she could return with my father and I. I was still very angry that she had left me at a still vulnerable age. Dispite her writing to me regularly, I never once responded. I reminded her, she had left us, dad had gotten on with his life and there was no room for her in our house. She asked if I could help her find a place to stay close to us. I told her I did not think there was a place for her in our lives. I was trying to punish her, get some revenge for abandoning me. I was waiting for a sorry.

When I hung up the phone, I was convinced she would call back and ask again, apologising for leaving my dad and I. I was so exited I cried. I had missed her so much. I could not wait to see her again. A big mistake. She never called back. They found her body 2 days later. She had taken her own life.

my father flew to the funeral. I chose not to, telling myself I did not need to, I was angry. Another mistake and regret.

i have lived with that guilt since. It has become unbearable and overwhelming. For years people would ask me how mum is, have you heard from her? I would reply that I did not know, I had not heard from her in a while.

i have since been diagnosed with PTSD and associated depression. I am still yet to recover or 'get over it' as some suggest. 

We all grieve differently, but it is a long, complex process, that may never reach an end.

I know that the anniversary of your mum's death, her birthday, Mother's Day and Christmas will be very challenging for you, as they are for me. Keep talking about it. Do not bottle it up inside for years or go into denial like I did, it will only complicate the greiving process further.

seek professional help, from one who specialises in loss of close family members. 

Thinking of you. 

[jtz]

Hi PF93

I know it is answers you are looking for, I wish I had them. What I can do is share my similar experience with you to let you know you are not alone in your suffering. Your feelings are normal. 1.5 years is a short period of time in the grieving process.

I was 22 when I lost my mum. It was 12 months after losing my gf who I was to marry. My mum too had been sick, with heart disease. She left my father and I, when I was in my late teens and moved overseas, initially on a holiday, then longer holidays, then she settled over there. I always thought I would see her again. I asked her to promise she would return if her health was to worsen. She called me one day, she had had enough of living over there, asking if she could return with my father and I. I was still very angry that she had left me at a vulnerable age. Despite her writing to me regularly, I never once wrote back to her. Something I regret to this day. I told her she had left my dad and I, dad had gotten on with his life and there was no room for her in our house. She asked if I could help her find a place to stay close to us. I told her I did not think there was a place for her in our lives anymore. I was trying to punish her, perhaps get some revenge for abandoning me. I was waiting for a sorry.

When I hang up the phone, I was convinced she would call back and ask again, apologising for leaving. I was so excited I cried. I had missed her so much. I could not wait to see her again.

She did not call back. Her body was found 2 days later. She had taken he own life.

I live with that guilt every day of my life. She never got the chance to see me graduate from Uni; meet and be a grandmother for my kids, start my business, etc

Please remember you are not alone in your suffering. It will be a long grieving process. I recommend getting some professional help from someone specializing in the loss of loved ones.

I am interested to hear what you got out of visiting psychics. I have been considering it myself.

Thinking of you PF93.

[Neil_1]

Hi Purple Fairy

1.5 years might seem a while, but it's not really - and is never a long time when it comes to the death of a close, loved one.

Grieving for your loss is something that only you can deal with - as there is no right amount of time and no wrong amount of time.  It's something that only you can know when may be a time that you might be able to move on, even just a little.

May I ask what "other" support/help you've tried to obtain for yourself?  You mentioned psychics, but was that in an attempt to try to contact your Mum?

Have you been to a GP for help at all regarding your grief and thoughts?  If yes, did they provide any referral for you on to say, a psychologist, so you could possibly have some sessions with an experienced counsellor to try and talk through how you are?  If you can find the right person, these can be very beneficial.

And on a similar subject, by coming here and posting, this can also be another avenue for help - by unloading here, and receiving back responses, from like-minded people, this too can be a good avenue for support.

So I do hope you'll be able to reply back when you feel comfortable to do so.

Neil