Making sense of grief

[white knight]

Hi,

Quote from a funeral director on a Billy Connelly show tonight "Grief is like a doorway...so high you cant climb over it, so wide you cant go around it, so deep you cant go under it....YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT"

And quote from Billy Connolly "If death was with us everyday....we wouldnt care so much about it"

They say on average a person undergoes grief from a death every 10 years. But they didnt include marriage/partner breakups. And girlfriend/boyfriend splits that can have just as devastating effects.

If we were to 'expect' a death of a loved one and (sort of) accept that we will experience such grief, then maybe we can semi plan for how we are to manage our feelings at that time.  This sounds great eh? Planning your grief routine, What rubbish!!! Lets re-read that first quote about the door of grief....you have to go through it!

But if we do accept that we will "go through it" - the deaths of close ones and lets say none of these cases are any less devastating than the last, then perhaps we can expect it to happen. Wouldnt that assist in some way? Perhaps, perhaps not. for we know that everyone is different in this terrible experience of grief.

One thing that has helped me and might help you, is to take that loss you are experiencing- to the extreme. For example-

When my brother died in 1979 at 27 from his own hand, my mother at the time said "I've lost a son, not many people lose a child". At the time I lived in a unit and 3 doors down from me was a couple that came from Queensland. Eventually they told me their story which included the fact that in one car accident they lost 3 children and the ladies mother and father. Thirteen years later my father died and my mother said "not many people lose a husband and a son". I reminded her of that example. It didnt sooth her pain but it became a baby step to recovery. At a time when one feels they have been inflicted with the worst of all blows, it could indeed be worse. And the hands that embrace you at a service for the lost one...those hands are there while some people lose so many members of their family in one swoop or within a short space of time, it is a positive of sorts that it could be worse.

Yes, you have to go through it. Grief is not avoidable for most of us. Even the seemingly toughest person on earth cant avoid it. But it is part of us on earth in this life and we will never rid ourselves of the shock, the despair and the sheer loss.

But in some cases, it could be worse.

Tony WK

[Neil_1]

Hi Tony;

Another high quality post from your good self – and great examples and personal accounts.

May I throw in the grief of the loss of a much loved pet.  And with my family, my daughter is just crazy about animals and we have quite the menagerie in our suburban back-yard.  Now have two dogs (15yo and a 10yo);  2 cute bunnies;  1 budgie (did have two, but lost one in July);  and 4 chooks.  However, I believe my daughter as I write this is in an early process of grieving because one of her chooks (Shimmer) is very unwell – and our Vet has said that she is not going to get better.  I realise fully that it is after-all, just a chook – but it IS so much more.  Though they do not come in the house, they have the full run of the back yard and are incredibly quiet, friendly and are really an awesome pet.

We’ve lost a chook before, plus budgies, a bunny, etc – and my daughter’s grief each time is very real and it saddens me greatly when I see her so upset.

I lost my brother (my best mate) in a drowning accident in 1991 – I was with him and unable to save him – I’ve lived with that grief and pain since and will continue to do so for the rest of my life – it haunts me still.  Then witnessing the reactions of both Mum and Dad when they found out about it – their reactions of pain and heart-break for losing a son (I must say here, that they never blamed me).   I’ve since lost both my Mum and Dad;  with Mum being only two months ago;   and she wrote her own eulogy and asked me to read it at the funeral.  In it she mentioned the loss of her son and how she never got over it – and really, how could you??   How can you get over the loss (the unexpected loss) of a sibling, a child, a partner??  I mean we’re all different and we deal with things in our own individual way, but death is death and will always remain the same.   Grief is grief and each of us deal with it in our own way.

I cannot think of anything in life that is worse than the experience of death of a loved one.

Neil

[white knight]

Hi Neil,

Yes, a pet is on the list too. In fact, sadly, I feel more respect for animals than most humans. It is sad because it is a reflection of my perception or knowledge of how humans are, most that is.

In relation to your brothers demise. Your loss is not a "skeleton in a cupboard". i.e. something to be ashamed of. And because it isnt so, there should be no need to live with it "for the rest of my life".

An example of this guilt is as follows.  As a young man in the RAAF I went off the rails. Alcohol and attention seeking and unknown mental issues. I got in a fight with a colleage and left a scar on his forehead. He was posted. I decided that service wasnt for me and left. I returned to Melbourne and heard he was posted to Sale. It was 2 years after the incident that I rode my motorcycle to Sale on a Sunday to seek him out and apologise. I found him in the main street. I apologised- he didnt accept my apology. Funny enough he started the fight. When Facebook started I put his name in it and it came up. I sent another apology. But he never went on Facebook or ignored my efforts. And at this time we are talking a massive period of time- 41 years in fact. For a scar left by me in a fight he started.

Guilt is a terrible form of anxiety. It is hardly controllable and it might be easy for others to say "let it go" but easier said than done.

That incident I speak of is an example of incidents in life (particularly when young) that are not really avoidable. It is life. Life isnt perfect. We are not perfect. We can redeem ourselves and improve. But as for guilt, like worry it doesnt produce anything beyond not doing it again. After that lesson is absorbed, If the guilt remains.then self blame can be there forever. Yet should it be. What purpose does self blame or a view of infinate "maybe if's". Maybe if I swam the other way? what if I was further out I could have saved him. etc.

This form of self harassment is really a form of torture. Any level headed person would know that you werent to blame. So why blame yourself ? Self doubt? Lack of confidence?

The extreme of course is different. eg in prisons there are killers, paedophiles, robbers and rapists that never think twice about their victims. No guilt.

Yet we have guilt. And we are good people. We need psychologists not only for our illnesses....but to make sense of this thing we call life, our guilty feelings and why some have no guilt. Making sense of all this would enhance our sanity or reclaim it.

Tony WK