Grief, loss & regret.

[JustTiffanyxo]

Just some words to describe today. Abhorrent;Atrocious;Awful;Disturbing;Dreadful;Extreme;Frightful;Harrowing;Dreaded;Unwelcome; Vile & Hideous.I'm sure I could keep going but what's the point? Why? What happened today?It was my brother's birthday today. He would have been 21. I still feel so incomplete about his passing.  I remember the night quite well. It's emblazoned into my brain for eternity and it haunts me all the time.This day, every year, is still so incredibly hard.  I can't remember a time when we celebrated that day as a family after he passed.  It is/was so hard. Too damn hard. If I set my mind loose about my brother, it is always brought back to the night that he died. I was 12. He was 6. I remember seeing this tiny child in my mother's arms, tubes and wires going everywhere.I didn't believe that he was going to die.He always pulled through everything.My brother, the fighter.I remember becoming concerned when I saw a Doctor talking to mum, the Doctor broke down in tears and I just knew this was the end. I ran to my brother and pleaded and pleaded with him not to go.Pleaded that I would be a better sister and that I would protect him more.I pleaded so hard, I even said prayers to God, even though it had been a very long time since I had come close to saying a prayer. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I watched them pull around the curtains. I frantically pleaded with my brother not to go, not to leave me.  I remember looking up at the monitors and looking at his heart rate.I remember the number 186 His little heart was beating 186 beats a minute.Then I saw the numbers  fall.We were losing him.I remember the nurse turning off all the monitors and alarms and left the bedside.I remember hysterically pleading with him to not go, that we had a lifetime of things to do together.I was beyond hysterical.What was I going to do with out him?. I remember seeing a lifeless little body, my brother was dead. This is why I don't do anything on my brother's birthday.  Every time I think of him, this is what I remember. I can't get it out of my head.  It's like it's burnt forever in my memory, those thoughts and memories aren't going anywhere.   It's too HARD to celebrate when this is what I think of when this time of year comes around. LIFE IS TOO HARD. LIFE IS UNFORGIVING. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. Why are you sad? I DON'T KNOW. What's wrong? I DON'T KNOW.  I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. I feel defeated. And hopeless. Why? I DON'T KNOW. I AM BROKEN.

[Doolhof]

Just Tiffany,

I don't have the words to express how sorry I am for yo and your family for the loss of your brother. I don't have the words either to make you feel better about his death. I can offer you my sympathy, my prayers and my best wishes that the pain will become less sometime.

Has it helped for you to write down your story? Would it help further if you continued writing about your thoughts and feelings? You could write up a document about your memories and heartache, it may help to release more of the pain.

Have you ever been to a counsellor who deals with grief and loss? Or have you looked up the meaning of grief and how it manifests itself in a person? Maybe search for information on Unresolved Grief. You might find some answers there.

I have been in a situation where I have been present when two of our stillborn babies have been buried. My son would have been 21 years old this year. I didn't know who to celebrate that day with, so I bought a cake and a candle, went to a park and lit the candle and sang "Happy Birthday" to our son.

I then went for a walk in a nature park. That is how I celebrated my son's 21st.

I have been writing out my thoughts and my feelings about the deaths of our babies and it is helping me. I have been researching unresolved grief and I am finding answers there as well.

When I knew I was loosing our babies, I prayed so hard to God as well. I have learnt to forgive myself for the fear I had that I caused the babie's deaths. I have forgiven God too. There is no understanding why these things happen. Somehow we need to find a sense of acceptance that what has happened, happened and we can't change it.

Acceptance. Peace. Forgiveness. These all help to lessen the pain and the heartbreak.

Thinking of you and hoping you find ways of coping with your grief.

From Mrs. Dools

[CrashCoyote]

Dear JustTiffanyxo,

What a moving post. I cried when I was reading it. Not for your beautiful brother, but for you. It is not easy for me to cry, I am a retired policeman and have seen a lot (a real lot) of heartache in my life and suppressing emotion is a requirement of the job.

As I read your story I imagined an innocent little girl, with no real concept of the finality of death, mentally making any Faustian deal that would keep her brother alive. I am so, so sorry.

Not only was I a policeman, I am a dad. I have five children. My third child, Jessica, died of causes unknown at eight weeks of age. That was sixteen years ago. All I really learnt from that experience is that losing a loved one is not an illness you get over but an amputation you learn to live with. (Right? Mrs Dools.)

Please tell me your brothers first name. I have a living daughter your age who I don't understand very well, either, but I love her with all of my heart. For what it is worth, I'm not that big on God, but I like to think my daughter is waiting for me somewhere. Maybe being cuddled by my grandma, because she will still be eight weeks old, even in heaven, I guess. Maybe your brother is watching over you and one day you will see him again.

One thing I know for sure is that you will learn to live with your amputation. You will honour his memory, like you have in your words yesterday, and I hope you will be gentler on yourself.

If I can help, I will, but know that life isn't fair and bad things happen to good people. I don't know why.

Kind regards, John.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Tiffany

Your post had tears running down my face.  So tragically sad and so close to the bone and reading your words, I can picture in my mind the whole situation as though I was watching it unfold.  Horribly sad.

I’ve also lost a brother as well – we were a bit older – my bro (my best mate) was 29yo, and I was 25yo.  He drowned and I was with him and unable to save him.  But with your words, I can so picture you pleading out those words;   just so young.  It really is not fair.  And then from having experienced something so traumatic as this, it does change your life forever.  And because of the nature of it all – it’s something that plagues you over and over again.  I know.  And it’s not a good thing at all.  It rips you apart.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – PTSD – so many of us have this kind of illness that is attached to us.

For me, the day that tragedy struck is a day that is etched in my mind forever – it affects me so much more than say, my bro’s birthday.  But we are all different and really, whenever it is that these thoughts/feelings come to the fore, it’s always such an emotionally exhausting time.

Mrs Dools provided you with a lovely response as well and I know of her tragedy as well that she mentioned to you.  I too would like to ask about alternative professional help that you may have had over the years – counselling, etc?   And also the writing down of emotions and even what happened and in more detail or further in depth – just for your eyes only – might be something else that could be a useful tool for you.

Stay in touch,

Neil

[sistertoabrotherinheaven]

I too lost a brother, it has not been that long, in fact he technically died on Valentines Day (14th Feb 2015) but he wouldn't be "turned off" until 2 days later...

He suffered a catastrophic sub-arachnoid hemorrhage. No warning, not signs, he just collapsed at work and thats it. That's what makes it hardest to cope with, the quickness of it all. We were not super close, because we have had a rough time growing up, but we loved each other. I too always feel guilt, "i was a bad sister" "I should told him I loved him" "I shouldnt have been so busy", but the truth is, all these are true and I will never be able to fix that. I already suffer depression, and now this grief is just so overwhelming. I'm so close to swimming back down into the dark hole that it scares me. I am treading water. I don't even know why I am on here, I don't even know what I hope to achieve. And people have forgotten that I am the sister to a dead brother, that I'm just another person who lost someone I loved, and that makes me so angry. Because I haven't forgotten, I'm still the sister, I'm still trying to deal with the loss. Add to that 3 children and you may get a feeling of my life. Everyday I'm afraid I'm going to crumble into a thousand pieces and my children will see I am just a nobody. I put on the brave face and fake it, when really all I want to do is curl up into a ball and sleep for days in a cold dark room. I am so tired. Nobody tells you that grief makes you tired. I can't sleep. I have so many things running around my head, and I'm just another girl who lost a brother, so big deal right? No. It's big to me. Big on solar system scale.

Then the grief comes in waves, like massive Tsunamis and I can't control it. My legs become week and the tears just keep falling.


I too am broken....

[Doolhof]

Dear Lady,

I am so very sorry to read your story. Your grief and sense of loss is so very strong and evident, which is normal and natural.

It must have been so very hard to loose your brother so quickly. Not having an opportunity to say goodbye, to tell people you love them and you want them to still be around is devastating.

Have you tried talking to a professional about your grief? There are special grief counsellors. Ask your Dr for advice on where to locate someone.

You could call up Beyond Blue and someone will be able to direct you to people who may be able to help. Even talking about how you are feeling is beneficial.

You could write about your grief. Write a special letter to your brother telling him all you are feeling.

I am the Mother of still born babies, so I know grief from a different angle. Look up "grief" on the internet and you will see there are different stages to grieving.

I do suggest you find someone you can talk to about your grief. It is real. It is horrible and it can make you feel so many different things.

Hug your children and tell them how much you love them.

Hope some of this helps! Thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools

[Neil_1]

Dear sis to a bro

As Mrs Dools has posted, I too am very sorry to hear of the loss of your brother and to something so horrible and sudden.  Add to this that it is so very recent and so very raw for you, this grief process is at its very early stages.  And as you may or may not know there is no right or wrong way to deal with grief – everyone is different and as a result, we all suffer our own grief in our own way, so I just feel it’s important to know this. 

I agree with Mrs Dools that we hope that you are able to seek out some appropriate specialist grief counselling during this upcoming period of time for you.  The other suggestions from Mrs Dools are helpful and good tips also.

And I hope that you’ve got some good supports around you – family or friends – doesn’t have to be a whole lot of them, just one or two who know you well and that you are close too, so you have a shoulder to lean on (or to cry on) or simply an ear to listen.

I might just say that crying if it can be done is a very good thing – a good release.

One last thing, along the lines of support and listening – we are always here, so if you ever feel like venting or unloading, then please do so on here.   If you feel able to, you could create your own thread and we can come to that and chat.

Either way, I would really love to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil