Depression as a result of my husband of 45 years having dementia.

Scargill · ‎21-06-2014

My husband has been in "low level" care for 14 months & 2 weeks ago, whilst I was in hospital, was transferred to a Dementia Specific Unit. I was his carer for about 4 years prior to him going into care. My own health problems were increasing & I was finding it very hard looking after him. I have had depression for sometime but it has increased greatly since my husband has been "in care". Due to me not being able to tolerate medications for depression I have been having TMS which was helping but this last lot was during my husbands transfer to the D.S.U. I have been extremely depressed since. Let me explain a little..... my husband was the first man I went out with as I was scared of men due to assaults as a 10 year old & a teenager. But when I met my husband it was amazing. We have had 45 years of wonderful marriage. He was my rock. But he is fast disappearing & it is heartbreaking. It was suggested to me by one of the staff at the hospital I was in to write him a letter about our life. Well, I think I'm a coward as so far I have only been able to write about 5 lines. I' m scared,I think, of feeling even worse if I go back to look at the wonderful life with him I had. So.......... any suggestions, thoughts, ideas would/could be helpful. Yes, I know I am grieving but its so damn hard. Yes I have had suicidal thoughts but so far the voice in my head has prevailed "Ellen you have your daughters & grandchildren to think about" so you can't kill yourself. I hope I can keep hearing that voice.

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Neil_1 · ‎22-06-2014

Dear Ellen

Thank you so much for coming to Beyond Blue and I really would like to extend a huge welcome to you as well. This has been such a big thing for you to come here and provide your post and in some way, I hope by just posting it, has helped you a little.

And look, you were able to write down things that have described a bit of your background - so that to me proves that you CAN do the next step for your husband to write him a letter.

With regard to that - just think back and try to take it in smaller chunks. Perhaps even look at some of the old photos (albums are great for helping things to be remembered) and use photos, perhaps to help you build a letter - a story. Try it by beginning with dot points - and then later you can expand on it.

Ellen, how many children/daughter do you and your husband have - and indeed, how many grandchildren? Do you get to see them often?

May I please ask also, for your husband now being in the DSU, I really don't have a strong background in this - are you able to let us know how much support your husband needs and is there some kind of guide given to how he'll be for the future? I'm really sorry if I've asked too much there - I'm not wanting to push too far.

I'm so pleased that you've got that voice telling you about your daughters and your beautiful grandchildren - PLEASE keep listening to that voice.

I do hope that you can post back again soon.

Kind regards

Neil

Scargill · ‎22-06-2014

Dear Neil,

Bless your cotton socks. (I'm showing me Yorkshireness there!!) Thankyou so much for your reply to my post. I was begining to think I had been far too personal in what I had written as there had been no -one replying.

To answer some of your queries.............. I have 2 daughters & 2 grandchildren. One daughter lives & works in Canada. My other one lives in Vic. with her husband & 17 year old daughter & 11 year old son. I luv them all so much & yes I just hope I can keep that voice in my head telling me who I need to think of when I'm feeling suicidal.

I am happy with the Unit my husband is in. They have a fantastic staff to patient ratio. They have great activities programs.

I am lucky that at the moment my husband still knows who we are but I know that he could get to the stage where he doesn't know us. His memory has deteriorated so much over the last few months.

The letter is I think going to become a scrapbook. My grandaughter is going to help me. Well, she thinks she is going to get me organised !!!!! It was suggested that a scrapbook might be even better than the letter. I'm willing to give it a go. I have to admit it still scares me because of the memories it will bring up. I guess I will see.

Neil it has been helpful just talking to you. Thankyou so much.

Bless you muchly

Ellen

Neil_1 · ‎23-06-2014

Dear Ellen

Thank you for your kind words and thank you also for your lovely response back.

Time time time – that is possibly the key, is it – with regard to getting your project completed yes??

Scrapbooking does sounds like a very good way to go – and it would be possibly quicker, as you say, than doing a letter and that’s where you can insert photos, etc, yes?

Now I’m just going to suggest this as an option – it’s something I’ve done for my Mum (after we lost my Dad) but also, for every holiday we (me and my own fam) go on, we do this as well.

It’s in the form of the website, Blurb. Where you can create your own book – you can create your own style of book, with loads of pictures in it per page, or one picture and a number of lines of text – the options are almost endless. For our holidays, we create up a book that has mostly photos per page and you can insert a little line of text to let you know where it was, etc. And so, you just pull your photos from your computer, where you’ve got them stored and progress that way. Once it’s done up, you have to pay a small amount, not a huge cost per book – and press send, or something simple like that. It then goes to somewhere in the United States and they work on it and produce it. They do not edit it or change anything in it, so you have to be happy with your own finished product. Then about 3 weeks later, on your doorstep, will arrive your very own book.

My Dad was writing his life story and I was typing it up for him – sadly he got to where he met Mum (still very special). I went to Blurb site and inserted my typed words into the book style that I chose – and along with it, I attached photos of Dad’s early days, etc – and ended up creating a 70-odd page book. I gave it to Mum a couple of Christmas’s back and the response she gave when she saw it, will live with me forever. 🙂 🙂 🙂

May I ask where in Canada does your daughter live? I only ask this as myself, my partner and our two children (16yo son and 13yo daughter) are heading to Canada this Friday; for a 4 week holiday. Getting more and more exciting as the days count down.

Dementia is a terrible thing – is he physically ok at least?? Maybe the Blurb thing is not an option, but I’m pleased that I was able to tell you about it.

I hope that you can stay with us on here – if you feel ok to do so. It’s been really lovely “meeting” you on here.

Kind regards

Neil

Scargill · ‎23-06-2014

Dear Neil,

Thanks so much for your post & the suggestions & support there. First let me say that I find it helpful reading your posts & replying to them. Again.... thank-you so much.

My husband is reasonably good from a physical point of view. He has a heart problem but it's getting short of breath if he goes for a walk that's the main problem.Trouble is he goes like there's a tiger chasing him. This was one of the problems they were starting to have with him in the Low Care place he was in. He was going out ( escaping ) & getting very short of breath. They also didn't know each time he managed to get out. So it was a case of when a place became available it was thought it was time for him to be "upgraded". I agree totally as it makes it so much safer for him. However, his memory is fast deteriorating now as well.

Now to the suggestion you made that would include using talents I haven't got on the computer !!!!! So, I'll have to stick to the Scrap Book idea. What you were talking about I'd need a 5 year old sitting at the computer with me !!! I think I will like doing the scrapbook when I get organised. Or when me grandaughter gets me organised might be nearer the truth!!

My daughter in Canada lives in Vancouver. She's been there about 12 years. Originally went for 12 months but liked it so much she's still there. When she moved there she paid for my husband & me to go over there. If you get the chance to see the Rockies do so. They are awesome. You think you've seen your last mountain but you turn a corner & there's another one. Wow. Also loved Lake Louise & Whistler. I wish you a wonderful holiday & I'd luv to hear about it when you return.

Bless you & yours muchly

Ellen

Neil_1 · ‎23-06-2014

Hi there Ellen

Hey, I'm not harassing you I hope. I've just logged back on, and found your latest post.

First things first - that IS great news that your husband is now in a place with upped care and 'security'. I'm sorry, but I did giggle at the notion of him escaping the clutches of the other place. I can just imagine it. That is good news also that his physical health is still good. That was a little bit like my partner's Mum; she suffered from dementia - physically she was as strong as, but the dementia just got worse and worse for her.

And pardon me for asking, but from what I know, there's nothing that can be done for it, is there??

I've had another thought - for what about just in the interim, why not with one of your visits, take in a family album that you may not have looked at for a while - and so you both can look back upon times shared and cherished in the past and reminisce a bit?? Especially as the Scrap-booking thing might take a little while to get underway and finished - perhaps the odd photo album (if you've got 'em of course) might be a good thing for the two of you to share?

Yes yes, we're going to all the places you've mentioned. We fly into Calgary; 3 or so days there; then we're hiring a car, and driving across to Edmonton, to spend another 2-3 days there; from there we head for the hills. I believe they're known as the Rockies. 🙂

We spend about a week and a half (give or take a bit) and we're staying in two different places. First one will be Jasper; and the second one is Banff. I've seen photos of Lake Louise and it looks just magical.

Then we drive towards Vancouver (having an overnight stop over at Kelowna). Drop the car off at Vancouver, after a day or two and then we get on board a ship for a week's cruise up to Alaska and back.

And to say we're looking forward to it is a bit of an understatement. I have one more day at work, and then a couple of days to finalise things. We fly out early arve on Friday.

Really lovely to hear from you again and yes, if you've got more suggestions for sights to see, I'd love to hear them.

Kind regards

Neil

Scargill · ‎23-06-2014

Hi Neil,

No you are not harassing me at all. I like the idea of the Photo Albums, & yes we have quite a lot. I am also buying on line a slide viewer so that I can take over some of the slides that my husband took during his life both before we met & during our marriage. He's got 'undreds of 'em !!

The plans for your holiday sound great. I'm sure you will LUV Canada, especially The Rockies. I can still see 'em in my imagination. WOW again. I do hope you can get to see Lake Louise because it really is magical. No other word to describe it.

Again thanks for your support.

Bless you all muchly

Ellen

Scargill · ‎23-06-2014

PS.

Nope there is nothing particularly at this stage that can be done to "heal" dementia. It's how patients are looked after with it that is important these days. I'm a nurse ( from last century !! ) & I cared for many people with dementia. The treatment /activities/care is so different now. So much better. We know so much more. Hopefully one day there will be a cure but not for quite some time I don't think.

I just re-read your post & thought I'd add the above as you asked about it.

Ellen

Scargill · ‎25-06-2014

This last 3 or 4 days have been not good. Down, depressed, feeling unwell all the time. I wish I could say when people ask me how I am... "I'm good thank-you" but it's just not happening lately. I'm not good. Any ideas on how to feel better. My Carer Counseller tells me it's okay to feel depressed. But really. Most of the time.My husband is also getting worse. I went to see him today & his memory is deteriorating quite quickly. I KNOW I'm grieving, but I'd like to "come up for air occasionally". Oh well. Hopefully sharing will help. Bless you all muchly.

Ellen

Neil_1 · ‎25-06-2014

Dear Ellen

I've found your thread - me thinks it's been moved, but that's ok - others will join us here.

I'm so sorry to hear that things aren't going so well over the last few days.

You know, it's annoying I reckon - perhaps the most "asked question" in the english language is: "How are you?" or some kind of spin-off from that. Wouldn't it be great sometimes to respond with, "Mind your own bloody business". But perhaps not, that's not being overly polite is it.

I generally answer, "Not bad thanx". Which is true - I'm mostly not bad - in fact, I'm bloody terrible.

Ellen, share as much as you feel able too. What about doing that photo album thing with your husband??? Not a whole stack of them, if he's not able to concentrate for any length of time, but perhaps just a few pages of something that you think might capture his attention (or hopefully, memory).

I can't imagine what you're going through at the moment.

Just with regard to your daughter in Victoria - as I'm not sure where you're living, is there any possibility that your daughter could come and visit you (and perhaps see your husband as well) in the next little while? As a kind of support for you?

Tis Wednesday evening now - I'll be back on during Thursday - and hope to hear back from you then, before we fly out on Friday.

Kind regards Ellen

Neil