Accumulative grief and Aspergers

[Tamerah]

Hi everyone,

I've never written on a forum before so I hope I'm doing it correctly.

I'm a 47 yr old female with a long history of depression and social anxiety. I’m in a relationship with someone I believe has Aspergers. He
displays many of those traits, in particular an astounding lack of empathy. We’ve been together for just under 2 years. We’ve been living
together for 4 months.

3 months ago my little brother suddenly passed away. Last weekend my father was diagnosed with aggressive terminal cancer. The one thing
I need right now is empathy. While I love my partner, his inability to accept that I'm in a lot of pain is destroying that love. I find myself avoiding going home because I just don't want to deal with it. I want to move out but everyone I talk to says I shouldn't make any rash decisions at this
point in time. My question is - how do I stay where I am when things are only going to get more painful for me? I'm fearful that keeping the status quo is only going to cause another mental breakdown and this is the very last thing my mother needs.

Thoughts and suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.

[MsPurple]

To Tamerah

You have posted just fine on the forums. There is no right or wrong way to post on the forums (except for posts full of swearing of course).

I'm sorry to hear about your brother and father. It must be really hard to deal with. I know how helpful someone with empathy would be right now but I know he is not showing lack of empathy on purpose. Do you have an understanding of his condition? Does he have an understanding of depression and anxiety? It would be really beneficial if you both have an understanding of each other and be open with each other about it. Family always tries to be there for each other, but sometimes family support is not enough. I suggest you talk to someone about this. Do you see a therapist/counsellor/psych? They would be able to help you through this difficult time and also help you out with your relationship concerns.

Sorry I am not too good on relationship advice but I suggest you talk to someone about it before making a decision. Even if it is talking to friends or a professional. I know other forum users will have more insight then me on the mannor anyways.

Hope this helps. Hope you are feeling ok. Just remember to do self care and to look after yourself

[Tamerah]

Hi MsPurple,

Thank you for your reply. Sorry, I thought I'd mentioned that I have a regular psychologist. I must've deleted it. She's wonderful and has been working with me for a long time.

I think just typing it out helped quite a bit. Things are moving quickly with my father so time will tell how it all pans out.

Thanks again.

Tamerah

[james1]

Hi Tamerah,

I'm sorry to hear about what's happened to your brother and now father. It sounds like a lot to deal with in such quick succession.

It is great that you have a regular psychologist. Have you ever thought about having a joint session with your partner? That could help.

I wanted to post here mostly with a story of my own experience. I have a friend who really has no empathy. For him, everything is just fact - true or false - and feelings just don't make sense. I'm really close to both him and his fiance and having spoken to them both separately, I know that they really struggled at times in their relationship.

His fiance (let's call her N) is very much a people person with great care for people's feelings. She's quite emotional as well, and needs reassurance. Unfortunately, he not only doesn't know how to give reassurance (instead just saying do this do that), he doesn't know when to give it because he can't read her.

On the flipside, he finds her frustrating at times because she can't do things which seem really clear to him. E.g. just stop being friends with the person if they annoy you.

They've been dating for just under five years now, and proposed recently. They made it work by recognising that, yes, they have serious misunderstandings, but they are both trying hard to understand the other, or at least communicate when they are confused or misunderstood.

Their relationship is by no means a fairytale, but it works and they genuinely love each other. I don't know if I could do it, but I thought I'd just share it with you because they are happy.

James

[Tamerah]

Hi James,

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm sorry for the delay in responding. My father passed away on the 17th of March and I've been trying to work through all of that.

Your friends fiance and I sound very similar. My partner and I are still working at it. We have a better understanding of where each other is coming from now. I think it will always be difficult but, often, the most difficult things are the things worth having.

Thanks again for your response.

Kind Regards,

Tamerah

[james1]

Hi Tamerah,

I'm so sorry to hear about your father. I hope you have had the chance to have some quality time with your mother recently. It sounds like you both have needed it.

It is nice to hear that you and your partner have a better understanding of each other. Oddly, I find my friends actually have one of the best relationships I've ever seen - they care about each other and show it in their own ways, but it's also really practical. Best of both worlds I guess, and their personalities just happen to match each other as well, aspergers aside.

James​