Help & Suggestions required: 1st Anniversary of Mum's death

[SilvaDragon]

Hey Guys. am new to the Forum. Have suffered Depression most of my life & diagnosed with BiPolar about 10 years ago. Medication mix has been great & I've been coping with Life etc well. Wednesday this week, 2nd August, is the 1st Anniversary of my Mother's Death. it was a strained relationship, with lots of verbal abuse over many years. She was a negative, nasty person in her final years, mainly brought about by my Father leaving her after 47 odd years of marriage. (He became the biggest bastard in the world as she continued to be negative) She was a control freak, like her mother before her, & because I did what She did, break the rules & become a stronger person & live my life the way I wanted to, including giving up 2 careers because she took control & manipulated a situation & took my kids off me back in the early 80's, I was the worst person in the world. My brother & my son were the shining lights in her life as she was a product of her generation & very much a male orientated person. Us Girls were always in trouble etc. all the bloody time.... so after looking after her in her last months, getting her the care she needed & into an aged care facility, visiting every day etc, the final logical thing she said to was abuse. she died 4 days later. My brother, sis in law & I were all with her as she passed quietly & peacefully, for which I am thankful.

I am in such a mess with my thoughts. I'm very flat, after being so good for so long, I'm not sleeping, I'm writing down what I can i n my diary. Trying to keep busy & do things around the house, looking after my daughter & the kids as well at the moment. it's Star Trek Sunday at the moment so I'm distracting myself with my Star Trek as well.

I would welcome Ideas of how to cope over the next few days. I hope I can take on board your suggestions.

Keep well, people. Peace & Long LIfe.

[White_Rose]

Dear SilvaDragon

Hello and welcome to the forum. I am sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment. The anniversaries of the death of significant people in our lives can be difficult to get through.

I get the impression you are not upset at your mother's death, which is quite reasonable, but because of all the harmful things she did to you as you grew up. Is this at least partly true? I would like you to talk more about your life if that is possible. I suspect there is a great deal of anger inside you because of your mom and it is this anger which is causing you to be confused and upset. We are not supposed to be angry with anyone once they have died.

Well of course that's not true. Dying does not make their hurtful deeds go away. But living with the sense that no one will apologise or regret anything of that nature is very hard. I experienced a similar situation with my mom. It was not as bad as you describe with your mom but hurtful at times. I spent a long time mourning her. She died 25/12/1999 in the UK so I was unable to say my farewells.

I think my grief was for the mother I never had, rather than the one who died. Hope that makes sense. Do you think this is your situation? No matter how old we are our moms are such important figures in our lives because of their nurturing. And of course growing up without this is hard.

Then when you take care of her in her final years it's reasonable to expect some expression of gratitude. I do understand the attitudes of boys are best but it is fading I believe. Not in your case however.

I see you have Bipolar and depression which is also hard to live with. I am so pleased you have a stable medication routine and living well. Keep to your routine as much as possible as this will give stability to your life.

Do you see a psychiatrist about your Bipolar and/or depression? I ask because it may be helpful to go and talk about your mom and work on releasing your anger and hurt. It won't be an easy journey I know but I think it will help you in all sorts of ways.

I am a Trekkie also. Love them all. Go for it. It will take your mind away from the present day worries. What other activities do you have normally? I like to get out into the garden, although at the moment I am a little unwell and cannot do this. Do you enjoy walking? It is a good way of refreshing your system and giving you a lift. What about planning a function? Family party or BBQ. Meeting in a park where the children can play.

Mary

[SilvaDragon]

Hi White Rose.

thank you for the reply. Would you believe an hour or so after I posted, my cockatiel, Paulie, passed away from shock in my eldest granddaughter's hands as we were cleaning out his cage.....Poor kid was a mess.. we've given him a little funeral & I'm ok at the moment. have dinner on cooking but it's so quiet without Paulie chirping in the background & pecking at his seed or his seed block....just have to get used to it.

Yes there was a lot going on with Mum. The abuse & control was over a very long period. from when I was about 12 or 13, right up till the Thursday before she passed last year. I've broken the cycle about the Male Fave in the family, & that was another thing she was angry at me about. I didn't favour either of my kids, who are now 38 & nearly 37, & we have a great relationship.

& you're right. I'm angry with Mum cos of no gratitude but never expected any anyway. Mum was one of those people who never showed love, gratitude (it was always "you did this wrong, you did that wrong") or anything else positive. I have turned that around with a lot of work on myself. & Strangely enough, I am MISSING the abuse!!!!!!! I got SO used to it over the years, I never expected anything else out of her. Only once, many years ago, in early 1984, did she express good words to me, when she said she was proud of me for going out as a Conductor on the Railways same as Dad, I worked out of Melbourne, Dad was working out of Wodonga, where the family lived.

I've done some grief counselling in the last 12 months. It's helped somewhat. but still have many issues to work through.

Thank you for your kind words. Live Long & Prosper!!!!!!!!

[White_Rose]

Hello SilvaDragon

Sorry to hear about the cockatiel. I can imagine how upset both you and your granddaughter were. A funeral sounds lovely to help your little girl. When my eldest daughter's cat died her daughter was very upset. So they had a funeral. Granddaughter drew pictures on a cardboard box coffin and then they buried the cat. Granddaughter was a bit upset because she said the cat would not be able to breathe when he was buried. Mom explained.

It's good you had some grief counselling. I know what you mean about missing the abuse. My mom wasn't quite that bad but I always needed her approval and she simply didn't notice or would be very offhand. Still I needed some recognition no matter whether it was good or bad.

I think it's a bit like women in domestic violence situations. Women are afraid to leave because they have no confidence, and if they leave will return because the marriage represents security and they are prepared to pay the cost. Very sad.

Do you think it would help to get some more counselling? I found issues still arising many years after mom died. It's weird really that many years on I still want my mom around no matter what. If finance is an issue try Relationships Australia or Anglicare. They have minimal or no charges. Also the Salvation Army.

I know my mother had problems, after all it was war times, but it seems she was too busy doing other things to give me a feeling of safety. This is the stuff I find coming up periodically. I have no memory of her telling me she loved me but that was not really done when I was growing up.

Have you thought of having a sort of memorial service, perhaps in your backyard, for this first anniversary? Get out the family albums and remember when you were growing up. I realise this may be painful so you do need people around you. Perhaps your brother and his family. I have often found it helpful to talk about the past with those who were there but saw things from their perspective.

Perhaps light a candle and say farewell to mom if you think you can leave her there. Or of course any other process. Sometimes it helps to make a formal ending and I am guessing this did not happen at the funeral.

Make a list of diversions you can dive into when things get a bit overwhelming. Beam me up, Scotty.

Mary