How to help my kids with grief when I'm struggling too

[RedRiver]

Hi

My husband suicided 17mths ago and I am trying to help my children deal with their grief but struggle myself. I have 4 daughters, 3 still at home. We all still have trouble understanding his suicide and go through times of depression but I really worry about them. The youngest spends so much time by herself in her room and only seems to enjoy watching YouTube videos. A week ago she told her friends she wanted to kill herself.

My 15yr old has OCD and was diagnosed before his death but now her anxieties are consuming her. She doesn't sleep very well and mostly sleeps with me. Sometimes she can't eat breakfast because she is too anxious about going to school. She won't eat much at school either and then binges in the afternoon because she is hungry.

My 17yr old seems to be doing OK at the moment but she gets quite depressed too. A few months after her Dad's death she said she thought suicide was inevitable for her.

My oldest is getting married in 3 weeks but she is unhappy sometimes and can't say why. I also worry that her fiancé has some anger/control issues. He is a nice guy and has been very supportive of her but I have seen him try to physically restrain her when she is upset and he has left bruises when he holds her.

I know this is a lot and I know that there is no quick solutions but I was hoping for some advice to try and some moral support. I am not doing so good myself and would appreciate some positive thoughts from others.

Thanks

[BballJ]

Hi RedRiver,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, I cannot even begin to imagine what you and your family have gone through and are going through. I am writing this trying to think of some great piece of advice to offer you but I am sort of lost for words. I am however reaching out with my support for you... you have come to the right place for seeking help and understanding as there are many kind souls on these forums, who I am sure will comment here with their support as well.

It may be a silly question but I have to ask, have you and your daughters reached out for professional help from a psychologist in dealing with the loss of your husband and their father? There is so much pain here and I wish there was something I could say to help make it better.

Please also know you and your family can call the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636 24/7 to discuss anything you are feeling, they are trained professionals as well.

Please, post back as much as you like, even if it's just for a chat.

My best for you and your family,

Jay

[Croix]

Dear RedRiver~

Saying we are sorry for your loss is just conventional words, but here they are genuine. Many will have a fair inkling of what you are going though, and many will have faced the same situation themselves. Not only is the loss of a partner completely devastating but you have the additional burden of being concerned and frightened for your children too.

Suicide is perhaps the worst way to lose someone. It brings out great emotion, some not really expected. While I do not know you personally I'd imagine there might be guilt, fear, blame, anger, regret and even reluctance to talk because it was suicide. Sadly there is sometimes a lack of understanding with suicide, thankfully getting less nowadays. Trying to understand your own feelings is bad enough, trying to understand your daughters' is so much worse.

They may well be experiencing more intense emotions than they have ever before, and coping for them can be very difficult.

I would suggest that you get as much help and support as possible. First personal support from family or friends would be gold. Do you have anyone you can talk frankly to - who you can lean on?

Second is professional help. This situation is all new to you, and while common sense and caring is needed, having people whose experience you can draw on will be a relief. Perhaps visiting your GP might be a start. Ringing our 24/7 help line 1300 22 4636 might be another.

I'm not saying anything you are not well aware of, letting your daughters know you are always there -no matter what - will be a comfort. Perhaps you might consider also letting them know you are not always strong and may need to lean on them a little might give them a sense of purpose.

It's not going to pass quickly so the strain on you needs to be counteracted. Apart from your GP making sure you have the best lifestyle possible with diet, exercise, sleep and most importantly time for you to gain distraction doing things you enjoy. Perhaps you daughters might join you in that.

I think they are very lucky to have such a loving and sensible mother.

Please post as often as you'd like, we will answer.

Croix

[geoff]

dear RedRiver, words can not explain the grief and sadness you and your daughters are going through since your husband took his own life, your feelings are insurmountable and affecting all of you, I can't say how very sorry I feel for all of you, but it's something I truly mean.
As heartbreaking all of this is, is your daughter able to postpone the wedding, and I say this with great concern for a couple of reasons, firstly, that she might be getting abused now, as you're seen the bruises, secondly, she maybe talking to your three other daughters about how she is feeling and could be scared for going ahead with it, thirdly, if this is the case then your other daughters may react to this and fourthly, your daughter with OCD then her anxieties are going to become worse, to the extent of becoming extreme.
Money is never a substitute for the health and quality of your daughter's life.
I would also consider selling the house and moving somewhere else because staying in your present environment brings back those awful memories that continually remind you and your daughters of what happened 17 months ago, so then you can start a new life.
I truly feel for all of you, but hope that you can please get back to us because all of us are so very concerned. Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Dear Red River

I am so sorry for you at this dreadful time. The guys above have said it all about your loss and now the worry and care for your daughters. I cannot imagine such a situation but I want you to know that we all want to help and support you as much as possible.

Can you contact the Suicide Call Back Service. I'm sorry if the name distresses you but I want you to know they have excellent counselling services for those bereaved by suicide. The web address is suicidecallbackservice.org.au They also have a 24/7 phone line which you may find helpful for you and your daughters. 1300 659 467 Your daughters may also find it helpful to contact the kidshelpline www.kidshelpline.com.au or their 24/7 phone line 1800 55 1800. The people in both organisations are very experienced and can offer a great deal of help.

Please contact these services for help, especially with concerns you have for your daughters. They, like you, received an enormous shock and it takes time to heal. Meanwhile your family is struggling and you need immediate help.

I don't know if you have spoken to your GP. I always suggest people start there for support. Our GPs are generally a wonderful group of people who can offer all sorts of help and support. Please write in as often as you wish. We will always be here.

Mary

[RedRiver]

Hi Jay

Thank you for your reply. It was good just to share my worries with others. Two of the girls have seen a psychologist for their grief. My daughter with OCD saw a psychologist for help with that but doesn't want to talk about her father's death. The oldest daughter was very closed to begin with and really withdrew from the family. She has slowly started to talk with me about how she feels but isn't ready to see a professional as yet. This coming week I have an appointment to see someone because I was managing alright to begin with but things just seem to get harder the longer it is.

I now realise that grief is a long process and will take years for us to go through. I also feel now that I need some help to navigate our family through it.

[white knight]

Hi red river welcome

The above replies are so wonderful I'm sure you'd agree.

When my brother suicided in 1979 aged 26, for the first time I saw my dad cry and both he and my mother lost all ability to lead our family. Suddenly I was leading it, a role I wasnt expecting.

So in effect my grief was delayed and I was suddenly a counselor. After a while I was telling my dad that "we will get thru this together because thats what he would have wanted" and other statements of a leadership nature.

Since then my sister and I have been diagnosed with bipolar and depression so I think its highly likely my brother had those disorders as well which explains a lot. Keep an eye out for such symptoms and regular GP visits are gold even if you all feel you dont need it. Just feeling a bit down could be more serious.

Keeping busy as a distraction can tip the scales of ongoing grief. If that busyness is of an active nature eg activities like hot air ballooning, camping etc, then your grief stricken lives have a balance and that seems to be what is currently lacking.

As the head of the family you might not be up to this leadership role but it is essential you step up to add more guidence to your daughters as a family

Your daughters boyfriend likely very immature and isnt aware of his behaviour as being unacceptable. Dont tolerate it full stop. Police consultation might be needed even a firm talk from them to him.

I wish you good luck for the future. I'd finally suggest getting some male company, dates or good friends. That suggestion might be an abrasive one at the moment but please consider.

Thankyou for your faith in us.

You are one hell of a mum.

Tony WK

[White_Rose]

Hello

I have just been informed about these resources on Beyond Blue. As I do not know where you live I cannot list supports in your area. You can find them by clicking on your state.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/helpful-contacts-and-websites

This is not a live link so copy and paste it into your browser. I think you will find more help there.

Mary

[BballJ]

Hi RedRiver,

I am glad other people have responded with their great advice so please do take it on.

From my understanding of my own mental health battles and what I read on here, everyone deals with things in their own way and in their own time. I think you just keep gently suggesting they seek professional help is a good thing, I know everything may feel so hard and I cant imagine the stress it is putting you under but you are doing a great job and being a great mother. Your strength will guide your daughters through this, which is why you need to be at 100% so helping yourself first is the best option I believe.

You have this thread now and can talk here as much as you like, we just want to support you as best we can through this.

My best,

Jay