Worthless

Guest_1055 · ‎17-11-2015

Hello

I am wanting to know if anyone else feels just worthless. And what they did about that feeling that creeps inside of you.

Thanks

Guest_1055 · ‎27-01-2016

Hey Sherie, that is interesting about what you have said about the British stiff upper lip. And by that are you referring to a reservation or not showing emotion on the outside? No matter what is happening on the inside in your heart. Because if you are I think I can relate to that....

For my childhood was like that, emotional out bursts, tears and expressing emotion was not there. I myself was like that, everything I think was locked up inside, with no way of knowing how to come out or something. Then in my early twenties emotions started pouring out, all different feelings that I couldn't even name. And now, it feels like I have to manage them. Well learn to manage them. Anyway my ancestry are of British origin.

Oh I hope I didn't offend you by saying "cute", I would never intentionally hurt you, and it even saddens me a bit, to think I may have. So if I have I'm sorry Sherie.

I would think you would have to be a very accurate person and to see things in detail in your type of work.

Anyway I will post this now.

With love

Shell xx

Guest_5218 · ‎27-01-2016

Yes, thats right. Dont show emotion, keep quiet, deal with it all on the inside, show nothing outwardly that somebody may notice. All my family were like that as I can recall it. No outward show of emotion, even a parent for a child. Although I think my Mum did try to 'buck' the system to some extent. She was a very loving mother, but was afraid to show it I think.

No, you didnt offend me by calling my mistakes 'cute'. I think it actually amused me somewhat. But it makes me a little sad that I am slipping in my accuracy. Because you are right it is very important in my line of work, and I hate to think that I can no longer rely on myself to get that right. It means I will now find myself checking and double checking everything, to make sure I have things right. I'm hoping its just a passing phase and that when my current anxiety settles down a little, I will get back to my normal accurate self. ( - :

Thanks Shelley,

Sherie xx

Guest_1055 · ‎27-01-2016

Hey Sherie

You may be up still, I am not sure. I am sorry you are feeling anxiety. Hope you come out of the phase soon. And I am glad you have a loving mother. Hope you sleep well tonight..

Shell xx

Guest_5218 · ‎27-01-2016

Thanks Shelley, you too. I am heading off to bed now. Its almost 11.30pm, and I'm still really tired after not getting any quality sleep for a week or more. Hopeful of getting some tonight though, as I've just taken something to help me sleep.

Sherie xx

Guest_1055 · ‎28-01-2016

OK good night Sherie.

xxx

Guest_1055 · ‎31-01-2016

Hey Sherie

I have been thinking upon what you said about what you should be doing your life.( You mentioned this in the BB thread).

I may be going through something similar to you a bit. For me I question my existence, like why on earth am I here. It may be the same as you... I am not sure?? Or what am I supposed to be doing. Sometimes I wish someone would hand me a piece of paper, and on it, it clearly states my name. And as I read it will direct me, and point the way I should go. I can't really write much more at present.

Hugs xx

Guest_5218 · ‎31-01-2016

Hi Shelley,

Yes I think of all that stuff too. But just at the moment its more about things I know I should do for my own wellbeing, but dont have the courage to actually do.

But like you I also think about why I am here, what purpose I really serve and if I should be doing something else. It would be so easy if you could just look into a crystal ball and know that you are making the right decisions, and that those decisions will not be harmful to others.

Sherie xx

Guest_5218 · ‎09-02-2016

Hi Shelley,

I am going to be very daring and post to this thread again. It is appropriate, I promise I'll remain on topic.

I worked tonight as there was a monthly meeting for which I am Secretary/Treasurer and need to take minutes, present Treasurer reports etc to the Committee. All part of the duties of tmy position. The meeting started at 7.30pm. So I left home at 7.15pm telling hubby that I should be back around 10.30pm. He was only just back from the pub with his mate (our guest since Sunday), so I left them their dinner ready to go, and left for work.

The meeting went a little longer than I expected, and I got home at 10.45pm. 15 mins late! As I walk in the door, hubby yells out from the bedroom that I'm late. I go in and quietly explain that yes I was 15 mins later than I'd estimated. I didnt think it would be a problem because he and his good mate like time on their own anyway. The guest leaves in the morning and my absense would have given them a nice bit of conversation time together.

But no, he starts ranting loudly, wanting to know what was I up to for so long! Who is the President, what's his name? He threatened to phone him and seek an explanation, question him. He is quite drunk, enough so to be really angry and abusive, but unfortunately not drunk enough to be 'out of it'. But he has no reason to be accusing me of all sorts of things like this. I have never given him cause to accuse me of anything!

It just makes me feel so SMALL, so worthless. Like an insignificant little kid who has done something wrong and is being reprimanded for it. I havent done anything wrong! I was 15mins late home from work.

He has always made my work extremely difficult in the past by doing this sort of thing, and I just dont understand his thinking. Whenever my boss has been male, he will always look for any excuse to accuse me of having an affair with them. I dont know why I bother trying to work! I should just sit at home, tend to his needs, put up with his unreasonable temper tantrums and abuse, and suck it up like the good little wife I've always tried hard to be in order to please him. But I can never please him! It just seems near impossible.

I really cannot cope with all this nonsense right now .................... I have too much else going on at present.

For anyone reading this - dont worry I'm okay, I think I just needed to vent a bit. Its just all so unfair.

I'm sorry,

Sherie xx

hope4joy · ‎10-02-2016

Hi Sherie,

I just stumbled across this post, I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. Your husband sounds like he is jealous and emotionally abusive - trying to control you - I hope its okay for me to be this frank. My dad had similar tendencies and used to sabotage the phone conversations I had with my mum (I grew up with my dad) because of childish jealousy/his own unmet needs as a kid, and was emotionally and occasionally physically abusive at times too. He was also an alcoholic. I'm sorry you're in such a place.

A bit lost for words so shall stop here,

With kindness, Christina

Moonstruck · ‎10-02-2016

Oh Sherie.. I really feel for you..my beautiful friend from the BB Cafe - Your worth and goodness just absolutely Shines through...and this fool of a man (sorry I know he's your husband and I've never met him).....doesn't realise what a gem he has got! I am so angry with him - and afraid for you too...how many more years of this crap can you tolerate I wonder - before you start believing him..and that you are as small and insignificant as he tries to make you feel.

He's the one who hates himself, and feels insignificant and worthless...beating you down and exerting this "power" over you makes him feel big and strong...when he knows he is the opposite. Be careful..and don't believe the dreadful things he says to you..please..........hugs...Moonstruck