Worthless

[Guest_1055]

Hello

I am wanting to know if anyone else feels just worthless. And what they did about that feeling that creeps inside of you.

Thanks

[Moonstruck]

Oh Sherie....I didn't know. You are such a beautiful person..I can tell that by your replies to me. I know what you are speaking of - I've been there. Not with a man I lived with (thank God) but another, who was a typical example of the "Jekyll and Hyde" syndrome.

It's recognised as that name medically now, and with those who work with alcoholism. I advise you to do some research on the syndrome. Not all alcoholics have it - I guess we all know those who are "happy drunks"....who just get silly or a bit mushy or whatever...

.No, Jekyll & Hyde Syndrome is something else again!  He becomes "another person"...a horrible stranger you can't reason with - no use trying. He will lash out at the closest person to him, the one who is most important to him - you!

I strongly advise you to get some support from Al Anon perhaps......those of us who have "been there" with a loved one who is affected in this way...know EXACTLY what you are talking about here!   He hates himself - you can't fix that for him Sherie.....save yourself!.........much love to you.

[Guest_5218]

Thankyou Moonstruck.  Your support and advice is appreciated.  I will research as you suggested.

Actually my psych has advised me that if I ever decide to leave, to make sure I speak to her first.  She considers that he is actually a narcissist, and after doing some research, this definitely fits.  So if that is the case, then she considers I could be in danger if I was to ever leave.  So she wants to set up a support plan if that happens.

Anyway I'm sure I'll be fine, but thanks for your concern.  And I will do that research into the J & H Syndrome.

Sherie xx

[Guest_1055]

Has your hubby come home yet Sherie? I'm just checking to see if you are OK and that you are feeling safe. Can you go over to your neighbours with the pool, if you feel you need to at all?

With much love

Shell xx

[Guest_5218]

Thats sweet of you to check Shelley, thankyou.  Yes he's back, and okay so far.  If he doesnt get stuck into the scotch after the beer he's been drinking all afternoon, he should be okay.  He's watching the cricket now, after having finishing his dinner.  I will probably leave him to it, so as not to antagonise him by being there.

No I would never go to the neighbours. It would be very embarrassing to do that, and they are his friends anyway, so I wouldnt do that to him. I generally just go quietly away somewhere, and try to stay out of his way for a while.  Usually outside where he cant find me.  I hate feeling afraid, but dont feel I can do much about it.

I appreciate you caring Shell,

Sherie x

[White_Rose]

Hello Sherie

I'm not sure if I should stick my two bobs worth in here. Hope it's OK with you. I haven't been following this thread so I may have missed things.

You write very caringly to others and offer a great deal. Sometimes that is a way of managing our own emotions. However it seems to me that you are doing it tough. I can speak from my own experience. Not that my husband was an alcoholic. He was, and still is, a bully who abused me for the 30 years we were together. I stayed for all sorts of reasons. Children, promises, nowhere else to go, shame. You name it, I felt it. I finally found the courage to leave 15 years ago. My family were shocked and my husband was dumbfounded. No one could understand why I left because I had been so busy and careful not to reveal the abuse. Not physical, well not usually, but emotional and psychological.

I am still struggling with the effects of that time. One daughter is her father's champion. I cannot say anything about him because she refuses to listen. And yet she, and her siblings witnessed his put downs, selfishness, demands and all the rest. There was only so much I could hide. My other children can see more clearly and will pull him into line but the relationship between parents and children is different to that between spouses.

Now my point is this. I cared for him for many years despite his treatment. Eventually I realised he would never change. Why should he. He had everything he wanted and was completely uninterested in my needs. This does not sound as bad as your experiences but he was far more subtle and knew which buttons to press. I am still afraid of him and have difficulty in maintaining any kind of a relationship with any man, however platonic.

I am suggesting you look hard and long at your marriage. Vows are very precious and should not be thrown away lightly. The other side of the coin is your safety and well-being. All the vows in the world will not matter, and clearly do not matter, to man who has no respect for you and much prefers the companionship of the bottle. It's not a one-way street. You are as important as your husband.

I don't want to be presumptuous and clearly you will make your own decision, but please look at the road you are traveling. Unless he is prepared to change please consider making a life on your own, especially while you have a job to support yourself and the energy and strength to make this new life.

Please excuse me if I offend you. It's not my intention.

Mary

[Guest_5218]

Hi Mary,

Thankyou for putting in your two bobs worth, your advice is very much appreciated.

And you're right, I am doing it a bit tough at the moment.  I can usually just ride it out but there are other times, like now, that I think my resilience is just not as it should be.  Then I get in the doldrums a bit.

I understand what you are saying about other people having no idea of what goes on.  To everyone else my husband is a charming, witty, intelligent, guy.  And he used to be with me too.  But that changed, and he became intensely jealous, checking on my every move, even making my work incredibly difficult by accusing me of having a fling with my boss.  All totally untrue and without any foundation.  He puts me down all the time, blames me for anything that ever goes wrong, knocks any friends I have ever had, and family as well.  He can be incredibly selfish, only ever thinking of himself. He cannot deal with anybody who has a different opinion to him. So he is right and everyone else is simply wrong.  And meanwhile he runs off overseas several times a year and has flings with all the little asian bar girls.  Never admits it of course, but I know it happens.  He just sees it as his entitlement. According to my psych, these are all traits of a narcissist.  And yes, without actually telling me I should leave him, she has given me a stack of literature to read that all say that they are not capable of changing.  So I guess I know all this, but still cant make the break.

I appreciate that you say I am as important as he is, but it just doesnt seem that way to me.  I guess after 18 years of constant put downs, and being told how inadequate you are, then its hard not to believe that you really are just a worthless piece of s***.

Dont worry, I am not at all offended by your post.  As I said before, I am grateful for your input.  I am just not sure that I am capable of acting on it.

With gratitude,

Sherie xx

[White_Rose]

Thanks for your prompt reply Sherie. It took me 30 years so I can hardly 'knock you' for finding it difficult. Just keep the thought in the back of your mind. One day you will find the strength and resolution. Until then take care of yourself as much as possible. By the way, can you set up your own bank account and start saving? It's a start.

Mary

[Guest_5218]

Yes I will, and thankyou.  My psych also told me about being financially independent, and I am in the process of doing that.  Just in case.......  And I will keep it in the back of my mind, I promise.

I should mention that with his narcissistic tendencies, the alcoholism just exacerbates the existing problems.  I told him I was leaving him once, and he retaliated by threatening to kill himself.  I believed him, so of course I didnt leave.  And he was ever so nice to me for a while afterwards.  But of course it never lasts.  I think he genuinely does care for me, and I also think he actually needs me.  Which is my dilema............

Sherie xx

[Guest_1055]

Hope you have a good sleep tonight Sherie....

With love

Shell xx

[Guest_5218]

Thanks Shell, I hope so too.  Very tired, so heading off to bed now.  All quiet on the home front for now  ( - :

You sleep well too.........

Sherie xx