Worthless

[Guest_1055]

Hello

I am wanting to know if anyone else feels just worthless. And what they did about that feeling that creeps inside of you.

Thanks

[Guest_1055]

Hey CW

I just read your post, but I am going to reply in the "flying" thread to keep on topic.

So would you be happy for me to head on over to your "flying" thread, to post my reply? I am not sure what else's to do at this stage. I know you have previously mentioned you feel safe posting here, as I do to, as this thread started to feel like a belonging sort of safe home.

So I will head over there now, and post a reply to your post and I am hoping it will be OK for you......

With love Shelley xx

[Guest_4987]

Hey Chicken Wings,

Just want you to know that I read your post, going through two nights terrible sleep is a shocker no wonder you have negative feelings but feelings they are! I only see you as a very courages caring person.

Don't know what else to say but try and get some rest, you will feel better i'am sure.

Wayne and Lucy.

[Chicken_Wings]

Shelley you can post in the other thread if you like. Up to you.

Thank you Wayne, Lucy looks lovely, a real character. I don't feel particularly courageous at the moment, but I sure am trying.

[Guest_5218]

I believe I can safely post to this thread and stay on topic, because Worthless is indeed how I have been made to feel again.  Why is it so hard to build up a sense of worth, and yet it is so easily torn back down again?

I shouldnt feel this way, because I now have a job and I know I am good at what I do.  And I know I am appreciated by the old people I visit in my capacity as a volunteer visitor at an aged care facility.  And I also know that my family love me.  But it seems that it isnt enough.  I also need the love and support of my husband, and I dont believe I have that.

Last night my hubby came home from the pub drunk.  This is a regular thing, as he is an alcoholic.  But last night he was worse than usual with his verbal abuse and threats of violence.  It makes me feel very small, afraid and vulnerable.  And this acts as a trigger also for my ptsd.  He told me that I should just get out and that I'm no good for anything.  He thinks that I am the cause of all the problems he's ever had in life.

Probably when he finally wakes up this morning he will act as though nothing has happened.  He never wants to talk about it afterwards, and in fact probably doesnt even remember.  I find this very hard.  He has health issues, mental and physical, so I try to make allowances.  But I dont think I can continue to do this foreever.

Is it the grog talking when he says all these horrible things to, and about, me?  Or does the grog just give him the confidence and power to actually say what he really thinks?  I dont know anymore.  But either way, it makes me feel like a speck of dirt, which has just been flicked away and forgotten.    ) - :

Sherie 

[Scotchfinger]

Sorry to read that Sherie. No one deserves such treatment and you certainly don't. I'd be planning my exit strategy if I were you, but you might want to get a few other people's views on that. Maybe an ultimatum at least to wake him up. Take care.

[Scotchfinger]

He needs to give up the booze or you are leaving. That's my take. Alcohol is no excuse for poor behaviour.

[Guest_1055]

Oh Sherie... I'm sorry you experienced all those awful and painful feelings of feeling small, afraid, vulnerable and worthless. And because of what happened last night it may have triggered the PTSD also. Did you have the horrible dreams as well? I am guessing too you feel somewhat alone in the heart as well, because you are not free to express how you actually feel to your hubby. I'm sorry, I truly am. I wish it wasn't happening to you. It does hurt me a bit to know you suffer so. 

Are you feeling any better now?  I think it has been a few hours since you wrote your post here. If you need or want a hug, you know I lovingly and freely give them. So I am sending one to you now in case.

I don't have any experience or knowledge about the effects of alcohol on somebody. But I do understand how you would feel worthless just like a speck of dirt, being flicked away. But you do matter a lot. And I know without any doubt you are far far more valuable and so much more precious then a speck of dirt. But from my own experiences it is a challenge to believe it, then feel it. But the truth still remains anyway.

I do hope you feel somewhat better now . Here is another bunch of pink hearts 💞 for you.

With much love to you

Shell xx

[Guest_5218]

Thanks Shelley, I do appreciate the hugs and the bunch of pink hearts.  I needed that.  Still feel really down but I'll get through it as I always do.  

As expected, there has been no mention this morning of what took place last night.  Thats very typical.  He is a really hard person to talk to at the best of times.  I can try to start a conversation about anything really, not just this topic, and he just waves his arms in the air and says 'not now'.  But of course there never is a good time to talk.  So basically we just never talk about the 'too hard' topics.  

Even if he just had a little bit of respect for me and my opinions sometimes, it would be an improvement.  But I really get the feeling that he would be far happier if I werent around.  I just cant do anything right in his eyes.

Scotchfinger - thanks for your post.  Of course in theory you are right, I should leave him.  But in practice, I care about him and am concerned about what would become of him if I werent around.  Besides that, although I am not a religious person and was not married in a Church, I do take my wedding vows seriously.  For better or worse, and all that!  I will watch out for your other post which has not come through yet.

He is going to the pub again this afternoon for a punt with his mates.  Hopefully he isnt as bad tonight as last night.  Although he has not physically hurt me to date, the threat is always there because I can see that he can barely contain his anger.  He has come very close to striking out on a few occasions.  I think if it ever did come to that, then I would leave!

Its a really frustrating thing when your own sense of worth is such a fragile thing that it can all come crashing down so easily, due to the drunken antics of someone you care about.

Hey, both of you, its nice to know you care.  Thanks.

Sherie x

[Scotchfinger]

OK someone in his twenties you can understand but we are all over the 50 mark. Surely its time for him to "grow up". Not counting it is bad for his health and pocket. I must sound like the perfect angel here when in fact I have my unhealthy addictions. My biggest problem now is sitting on this computer and snacking at the same time. Major exercise overhaul required!

[Guest_5218]

Oh Scotchie, you ARE the perfect angel !!!  Ha ha.

Sherie x