will i ever get better

[Jo3]

I don't know if I will ever get better. Whether this damn depression that eats away at me will disappear.  Whether my anxiety levels will drop.  Will I ever have self esteem or confidence? Will I ever lose weight or be strong?

There are so many scenarios and questions that I can't answer.  Today I feel sort of okay.  I went for a 6km walk with my hubby this morning and now my legs are sooo sore.  Sitting on my deck in the sunshine listening to the birds whistling away among the trees I feel free but scared. I still have so much trepidation where it concerns my parents.  

And I don't have any self esteem, in fact I hate myself so much; I hate the way I look, my body, the weight I have put on from the anti depressants and the lack of confidence.  I struggle daily even though I work (that's when I put on a mask). 

I still wonder about self harm, still wonder what's it like to go to hospital.  I am scared that I may never get this depression out of my head, my body, me.  I am scared that it will be with me forever.  

It's hard to not be scared when the thoughts pop up about self harming and suicide come up. Do I just keep taking the meds forever. I asked my psych yesterday if I could come off them and his reply was that talking to my parents now wouldn't solve the depression instantly. So that means that i have to keep taking them.

Sorry guys, I am just not understanding depression, I thought I knew what it was but i don't think i really do. Was I born with it; did i develop it as I got older; is it a chemical imbalance?

 Will I ever get better - I guess time will tell.

Jo

[vip]

Jo this was me 4 yrs ago asking myself 100 questions in my head what if? what if? honestly try and train yourself not to do it .  it will make you go insane. After 23yrs im off the meds im losing weight sure i still have my sought of bad days yes this depression will always remain with us but you will find in time you will have better coping strategies ect. Try and not overthink things accept everything that has happened and in your case it was like mine very traumatic i suppose these were the cards we were dealt with in this world keep up the meds the psych continuosly until this all gets better . Meeting your parents again is the first step to recovery maybe mentioning the psych and whats happened to you is probably best to stay with the psych if they are like my parents they just dont get it unfortunately. Hang in there its 2014 make this the year you have the fresh start xx

[Neil_1]

Hi Jo

Can you please re-read my other post that I sent to you under:  “seeing my psyche today”,  as I think you’ve raised a number of questions again that you asked there.

Nes is right … you’ve got to start to train yourself NOT to keep analysing everything.  It’ll absolutely do your head in …  I don’t know if anyone does understand depression.  That’s just the thing.

I cannot see an end to me taking my meds … I accept this and if I have to keep taking them, so be it … if they at least help me in some way to remain as stable as I am, then I don’t care.  And yes, we need the tablets to assist with the chemical inbalance that is affecting our mind/brain/somewhere inside the skull.  There's no harm or shame or anything untoward if you (or me or anyone in our situation) to be taking meds for a long long time.  It is what it is.

You’re in a really awful place at the moment and with that, there seems to be no filter that is working in your brain to try and shut out all the things that are rushing at you and overwhelming you. 

Keep on with your psyche visits, keep on with your meds;  drop any notion for self harm and no, you do not want to go to hospital.

I think we may need to obtain for you another mask or two … but perhaps one for home as well as for the one you have at work.  Just for a little while … so it might just help to shut out all the nasties.  Just a thought.

Kind regards

Neil