New Year,............

[Notmyself]

Happy New year to all my Beyond Blue Friends!!! 

I hope that through all your daily struggles you managed to feel some happiness and positive energy throughout the festive season!! 

I haven't written in such a long time and for that I feel guilty and sorry!! You've all supported me alot and I feel as if I have been selfish! 

Never the less, here I go!! 

If i were to reflect truthfully and entirely on my last year I would be a ball of tears, fears and sadness! So I'll keep it brief. 

It sucked major Donkeys..... Depression.... Other health issues, simply not coping with my everyday life, very nearly destroyed a lot of relationships in my life and my will to get better and try to carry on a strong healthy happy person. 

Christmas day its self was a near on disaster, an event Christmas eve most def ruined my Christmas and I can say that it was a turning point in my head and in my heart!! 

I decided to try my very hardest and put all my effort into staying positive!! So far so good!! Now I know it seems so smug of me to say it but I am proud of my achievement so far!!! 

Its hard, and very very trying, but Im not giving up. I put a shield up and when I get those feelings of that sneaky black dog creeping up to rock me, I bang bang deflect all the bad vibes and think of something thats making me happy!!!  Naturally I still have moments, but I'm just trying not to dwell on those moments! 

I got a promotion at work, my relationship seems to be blossoming even more so, This is all good and I feel appreciated and respected! Its going well!! Plus I no longer have to work away so i think thats a pretty big chunk of my problems about to go away!! 

My biggest struggle at the moment is small and its my weight, I know its only a minor issue but its mine!! I'm 25 172-175 cm tall and I weigh 57kg, just before Christmas i was 55kg and thats where I want to be, so Im doing it!! I often get down about my weight and realistically I know I have nothing to worry about Im not fat or over weight, im closer to underweight than I am over weight but it is a strange little thing always on my mind! I wear baggy clothes so I feel smaller!! I watch what I eat. But its nothing major so Im feeling positive about life again!! 

So I want to thank all of you have had helped me through the hard times, and to everyone who is struggling over whatever just remember that  no problem is stupid, your not alone and thongs will get better. 

Dont ever give up. 

🙂 xxxx LP 

[Neil_1]

Hi LP  

I love it when I get to read these kinds of posts.  A beautiful shining example of positiveness and success.  I am so pleased for you with all the goodness that you’ve written in your post.  Before I do go on though, I must applaud your comment about thongs getting better … and whether they’re the ones we wear on our feet or the other, I think that’s a fantastic attitude to have.  

I have no doubt that you will sneak back to your ideal weight in no time … your uplifting attitude will see to that.  You’ve already commented that you will watch what you eat and if you combine that with some cardio of some sort and you’ll be there before you know it …  and if you find you’re struggling a little with that, please come back on and ask for me.  🙂

 I do enjoy the fitness side of things and used to be a personal trainer, long long ago in a galaxy far far away, but I do still remember some hints, tips and tricks if you need any.  

Again, brilliant post LP and thank you so much for sharing.  

Cheers  

Neil

[Notmyself]

Hello Neil, 

thanks for your reply!! 

I totally meant things!! not thongs!! hhaha!! 

I fear I spoke to soon, as the last 3 days I have felt nothing but sadness! Its so strange how ONE simple tiny argument or the word from ONE person can make it all come back 3  fold and  make all my hard  work seem completely ruined in every way! 

I have 6 days until I can go home and hopefully find some peace in my own home with my comfort around me!! 

I messaged my mum today telling her I wish I didnt exist!! How does ones view change in a matter of days? 

I feel like I am constantly letting my partner down in every way and he has no understanding at all of what its like to be me and feel what I feel and he just cant seem to go easy on me! Im in constant fear of losing him. 

I think I spoke tooo soon and I have set my self back a little!! 

Losing weight is simple, I get sad, I dont eat! Problem solved!! Not entirley healthy but this is how I always work!! Sad but true!! 

UGH!!!! But still I wont give up, I'll keep trying. For my self only. I'll be my own first priority for the first time in years! And hopefully I can resume my position of being in control of my self!!! 

[Neil_1]

Hi LP

Great to hear back from you, but not so great in what was written in your post.  But I'll get to that.

Another use of the word "great" here is, it's great to hear that your post although worrying at times, does portray you with positiveness coming through at times.

"You won't give up", "I'll keep trying", "you'll find peace in your own home" and a number of others, who belts out to me that you've got a very strong inner spirit and determination to better yourself and make things hopefully right once more.

LP, there must have been something that happened recently for you to post the way you did ... as it's so different to your earlier post.  How come you've got 6 days left till you can go home?  Were you living in this other place when you first posted?  Sorry, if I'm asking anything too personal, please don't answer it ... I don't want to ask you things that you don't find comfortable in answering.

That must have been a hell of a message for you mum to receive.  Does she know of the bad place you are in at the moment (and I mean that mentally)?

The sad thing about this illness is that for the majority of partners, they simply don't know or understand it ... or perhaps even the wider community as well.  They can't see depression or mental illness and so for a lot of people, they possibly think that it's made up or something.  That couldn't be further from the truth.

You aren't letting your partner down ... you're having to deal with these awful issues while you're in a very dark and not nice place.  It's so hard to look after yourself at these times, let alone try and be there and 'up five' for anyone else.

Do you have anyone professional that you can contact and be able to see?

I hope so, because I am concerned for you.  I hope you can get back to us and post again, as long as you feel comfortable to do so.

Kind regards

Neil

[Notmyself]

Hi Neil, 

Thank you for your reply, Its good to have some support. Reading others posts ion here and others replies helps me too. 

I do have a fight in me to get better or at least better myself and my outlook on the whole black dog nesting in my head. 

A simple harmless argument with my partner about nothing, is what happened, set me back to the beginning with all the fears and feelings I had before I felt Good again. And its not as if it was a major argument about anything that mattered, but i feel like as soon as I have a small issue with anything whether it be my partner my mum, my washing not drying in time or running late, I lose all progress and fall back into my hole. This is where sometimes I want to give up and just let it be, But I cant. 

I am working away at the moment, and that's how long I had till I can go home!! And then I start my new position. 

My mum knows, but I dont really feel like anyone in my family, or friends takes me seriously. Everyone seems to think I am making it all up, or its just a rough patch, no one asks how im really doing or takes the time to try understand. They all think im just a silly girl. 

I dont have anyone as yet, I was going to see someone locally to my home, but a friend of mine went there and felt no support from her or understanding. I dont really know where to go, and I always feel pressured by doctors. 

I just really want to stop feeling sooo tired and sad and stop crying. I want someone close to me to try harder to understand and not blame me!

I seem to get told alot that my feelings are wrong and i bought all this on myself. 

Thanks again, 

LP