seeing my psych today

[Jo3]

Hi everyone

Can't wait for 12 noon when I see my psych.  It's been 10 days since my last session but it feels like forever.  So much has happened in the past week that it's doing my head in.  

I thought that me seeing my parents would help me feel a lot happier.  But I'm not and I now know that it's the depression, the chemical imbalance that is affecting me.  So what do I do? Keep taking my meds, keep seeing my psych and GP, exercising, doing stuff that I can do.  Maybe in my head I thought I would be "fixed" "cured" when I saw my parents. But that's not the case. Not at all.  In fact part of me feels like I am heading downhill again.  Is it the emotions. It has to be - the roller coaster of emotions I've had this week. I've had to deal with so much this week that I really don't know how I coped - well I'm not that's the point.

You know, I craved for my parents for three years, I cried every day for them; and then it turned to my dad.  I wanted to see him but couldn't, i wanted a hug from him but couldn't. And then last week I got the hug I so much wanted.

I have a feeling this is going to take a long time for me to be happy again, thing is will I ever be happy again? I try, i really do try to be the best wife, mum, daughter, sister, friend.  I really do but sometimes I don't know. I doubt myself so much, I have high expectations of myself, i can't make mistake, i can't fail. And I have - because I have depression, I have a mental illness.

So where to from here - I don't have a clue.  All I know is that my parents are speaking to me, I lost my last grandparent the other day; i struggle to work, i struggle to be happy. I don't know anymore.

I hope by being on here I can gain some strength to keep going, because some days it's not easy; some days it's hard. I know I have a lot of friends on here now that we support each other; and i hope that one day, if anyway possible, we could all meet up - i would just love to hug everyone and say thanks. Thanks for keeping me alive, thanks for keeping me strong and thanks for picking me up when I'm down. (wiping me eyes with tissue).  I really and truly believe that BB is a fantastic and safe site to use; we all understand each other and know what we're going through. 

I think I'm rambling on now, so I will go.  Let you all know how my session goes today - though I'm thinking it won't be great, I'll need tissues.

Jo xx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Jo,

It's weird that we feel time stretch out for so long between psych appointments, particularly over the holiday period. Yet the day they come, you turn into a bundle of nerves.

Every session I have ever had I needed tissues. I'd safely wager psychs and those in a similar profession are used to them. So if you cry, don't worry, it's a good and healing thing. I encourage it.

You know when you go to the shops and you find yourself craving a certain kind of chocolate or food? For me it's cadbury Snack or Turkish Delight. You wait for it and without realising imagine how good that chocolate is going to taste. Payday comes. Woohoo! You get that chocolate. About two squares in,  you find it doesn't tastes as good as you imagined. About half the block in I just feel bloated and don't want that chocolate anymore.

Seeing your parents is like that bar of chocolate. You craved it, anticipated for so long. You even mentioned it yourself- you thought once you spoke to them, saw them again you would be happy.

You have made amazing progress Jo. Those acts you think are so small- exercising, taking your meds, going to see your psych aren't small at all. It wasn't long ago that I was in a hole so deep I couldn't imagine getting out of bed. You are doing great Jo. You are doing everything you need to do. Restablishing contact with your family, after all that's gone on is a huge step. You should be so proud of yourself for that. Don't let the monsters in your head tell you otherwise. Listen to this monster.

Seeing your parents may not solve everything instantly. I have said before and will say again, there are times I wish there was a magic wand I could fix everything with. I could just wave it and we would all go back to being the people we were before all this happened to us. That wand doesn't exist. It doesn't exist because the best things in life are worth fighting for.

That's all you need to keep doing Jo, keep hacking away  at this day by day. Exercise and coping mechanisms are your weapons. If you look behind you, you will see an army made up of all the people that support you- your psych, GP, friends and the people in this forum. We have your back. All you have to do is keep fighting.

You will get stronger and the monsters will get weaker. There will however come a break in the battle and you'll see the blue sky and and everything you have accomplished. You will see how strong you have gotten.

Will there still be monsters? Yeah. Everyone, even those who don't suffer from depression have bad days and monsters to fight. They just won't affect you as much.

All rollercoasters have an end. All we have to do is hold on to ours and not jump off early.

GA

PS: Apologies for the Neil length post but one more thing. When you catch a cold you don't FAIL.None of us here are failures for having a mental illness. Don't ever think that.

[geoff]

dear Jo, lovely post from GA as usual.

What I can see is that although your dream has now come true and you have finally regained contact with your parents, is not your finale to this situation, because you have hesitation as to what is going to happen in a day or so, or maybe next week, the nerves are still there, will I ring them or will I wait to see if they ring me.

Doesn't it remind you of your first ever date, which goes well, but the second time you date them you get 'the heebie-jeebies', will I do something that may stir the pot, or upset them, this is no different as to how you are feeling now, anxious, agitated, with so many questions running around in your mind, will I, won't I, what should I do now, or who should I contact, my sister or my dad or even my mum, and the answer is the question mark ???

Talk to your psych about all of this and see what they have to say, and we would be interested as to what they do say. L Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Hi Jo

GA has hit the nail on the head so many times with her brilliant response to you.

The monsters in your head are still growling, but we've just got to try and set up mechanisms to push them to the background - even just for a little while.

And YES ABSOLUTELY, you've still got to be taking your meds, seeing your GP, seeing your psyche and YES, still coming on here as well.  Even while you're in a low and terrible place, you still have the ability to respond to others in need and provide them with great advice and support.  Takes one helluva special and strong person to do that Jo.  And that is you.

GA's analogy (and I LOVE analogy's) of the chocolate and your parents was spot on and clever.  Running with that theme now ... you've got the block of chocolate, but don't consume it all now.  Put it in the fridge, but you know it's there ... it's there for YOU whenever you want a piece.   And that must be an absolute load off your shoulders knowing that now, as opposed to how you were a few weeks back.

The realisation now that there is still deep seated depression with you is ok.  We know it's ok to live with this ... it's not fair, but it's ok.  We're doing things to try and minimise its effects on us to try and keep it at bay (and who knows, one day, there might be a light at the end of the tunnel that is sunshine).

You do know where you go from here Jo.  You've built up a wonderful family, there has been massive advancements made with your relationship with your parents ... even though it's only been a couple of meeting so far, that's massive from where it used to be and yes, the progress will be slow and I believe you've acknowledged that, but again, that's ok.  You need to keep seeing your GP and your psyche to thrash out the monsters in your head from the traumatic past that you've had;  thrash it out with your professionals, and keep that a long way away from your parents (at this stage anyway).  You're still going to work and that is brilliant.  It's an outlet, it's a distraction and you may not realise it, but it is most probably helping you, as you get to interact with others and hopefully the monsters are in the background as you do this.

One last thing ... Jo PLEASE PLEASE even if it's just for a week or two ... please lower your bar of expectation on yourself.  I believe you've got that bar way too high and it's definitely not helping you on a day to day basis.  Lower it so you can almost step over it ... I think it's at a height now that you'd need a pole vault to get over it ...hence why you're beating yourself up so much.

You're a brilliant warm fantastic person with so much love and compassion in your body ... all the close people around you know this, we know it on here and I Jo, you KNOW it too.  Drop that bar and step over it and for the time being, don't look back at it.  And for goodness sake, don't do a circle and try the jump again.  Just the once and step forward.

Kind and warm regards

Neil

ps:  my apologies (actually, nah I'm not apologising) for the length of this post.  It had to be done.  Hey GA?  🙂

pss:   and I'll leave you with this thought:   Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.  🙂  🙂   Think about it ... 🙂

[Jo3]

Hi GA & Geoff

Thanks a lot for your messages.  

I will keep hacking away and doing what I am still doing.  I'm still scared though of being controlled again by my mum.

I spoke to my psych yesterday and he said not to have high expectations. To just go with the flow and see what happens.

My mum is phoning me every day to see how I am (which is nice of her) because it means she is caring. And just this morning she phoned me and I told her that i had a psych session yesterday.  I think she was shocked that i am still seeing someone.  She said - oh are you still seeing him and then she said oh sometimes it's best if you can deal with it yourself and i turned around an said i can't not at the moment with my depression and he is helping me a great deal.

She that's what she does - spins things around to make me feel bad and weak for seeing my psych.

I need my psych and I can't stop now and don't even know when i will stop.

My psych suggested that I see them when I want to see them and if I can't when mum wants me to then that's okay.  i am not going to run back to them every time she calls me or wants something.

I told him yesterday that even though i didn't see them for 3 yrs i felt free being away from them. so i have to do my way.

Geoff, you're right - it's like i am walking on eggshells, not knowing (a) if my brother will pop in at my mums to say hi and I'm there (b) what if mum asks me questions about the abuse.

I am still fragile and scared and it worries me a lot.

Jo

[Jo3]

Hi Neil

Every time I see your response I always look forward to reading it because you always put something funny in it!! And then I laugh.

Neil, I hate the growling in my head, yes I am still fragile and confused with what's just happened.  I need to just go with the flow, day by day, even if it's hr by hr.

I think what you wrote about me being brillant etc etc is an exaggeration. Really I'm not that, well I don't see it anyway.  You may see it but I just see me as a traumatised woman going through childhood abuse, depression, anxiety and all the other stuff that goes with it.

I am going to still see my psych weekly and my GP weekly or fortnightly. They have been my tower of strength to keep me going.  My hubby - well I think that now because I am seeing my parents that i should be fixed, ok, great.  BUT I'M NOT.

I still just coping.  Neil, I don't know how to lower my expectation, lower the jumping pole. That then means failure because I can't achieve or get to where I should be.

But in saying that I will give it a go, i will try.

Neil, you have to explain the thought you left with me - I just don't get it, I'm sorry I am so dumb i don't understand much.

Looking forward to hearing from you again

 And I am sorry because I always forget to ask about you - it's not always about me.  So Neil how are you?  Are you doing okay. Hope you had a nice day today.

Your friend

Jo

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Jo,

Don't feel bad for seeing your psych.

When I was in high school, post second attempt to run away and umpteenth attempt to killl myself I was hospitalised. After being released after a week, I had three counselling sessions. Three.

Did I have three because I was that strong and didn't need them anymore? No.
I had three because that was all my father could tolerate. He couldn't stand the shame on the family. Want to die? That's fine. You're just being weak and stupid. But let someone outside the family know?

NO NO NO He couldn't have that. We had to be happy Brady bunch damned families to everyone else, even if we were rotting from the inside.

So with him watching over me, I had to say over the phone to my counsellor that I wanted to stop the counselling when all I wanted to do was the opposite. I wanted to scream at her, let her know what he was doing. No one in my family at the time was strong enough to stand up to him. I wasn't strong enough.

I don't mean to take away from your post- this thread is about you, Jo, not me. I have more than enough threads of my own. I am just, like you a little fragile and reactionary today. What your mother said hit a nerve. While my father is a terrible excuse for human being, I'm not saying your mother is.

The point I am trying to make (emphasis on trying) is you know when to see someone and not your mother. YOU know what you need.

I know it sounds terrible after reuniting after all these years, but maybe try get some distance from her? She could call every second day. If you need to talk to her on the day in between you could call her. If you want to do this and she keeps calling everyday, you can always not pick up if you aren't ready to speak to her that day. I don't know if thats good advice or not. It might even be bad advice. It's the only advice I have got.

You are in charge of your own recovery not her Jo. Do not ever forget that.

Again apologies for ranting.

GA.

PS Hi Neil.

[Neil_1]

Hi Jo

I nodded when I read what your mum said about your visit to your psyche.  It's not just her to have those views of people with depression or chronic mental illness ... and I believe that the older generation are very strong in their views that there is no such thing as depression.  Simply, pull up your socks and get on with life.  It certainly doesn't help our cause.

For me, I wouldn't be telling your mum of your psyche visits, because she will turn things around on you and will make you feel crap.  You don't need that at all.

It is interesting that she is calling you each day.  But yeah, I'd be just sticking to topics of the day, etc and steer clear of the other - if you can.

You are to continue seeing your psyche until YOU say that you don't need them anymore.  That is no-one else's decision to make, you and you alone are the one to make that decision and at this stage, get those thoughts out of your head because you simply don't need to stress about that.

I believe firmly with what your psyche is advising you with regard to you mum.  Very wise advice indeed.

With regard to the brother that you have ... I would only think about that if you ever cross that bridge.  But if it were me, I'd just leave the house straight away if he turned up.  I have a brother that I haven't spoken to or seen since my Dad passed away (6 years) and he lives reasonably close to Mum.  If he ever turned up while I was there, I'd leave the house.  It hasn't happened yet and probably won't as I think Mum always tells him when I go to visit her.

You're doing good Jo ... you might not think so, but I'm proud of you for how you're coming across of late.  Yes, you're fragile as anything but I still feel a few sunny rays coming through.

Cheers

Neil

[Jo3]

Thanks GA & Neil

for your support and comments.  

GA - I am sorry to read that you've had such a horrible time with your dad.  That is shocking.

I think for me to heal I need to back off a bit.  I will only call her every so often and if she wants to call me daily well she can.  But I won't be talking about my psych visits.

Neil - I will do what my psych says to me and also my GP.    Neil, I feel so sick in the stomach thinking of my brother.  

But I can't say to my mum that I don't want to see him or when he comes there I just walk out.  Because they (my parents) don't know about my brother (or if they do have any idea they're not saying) and if I was to say something or walk out my parents will work out why and it will ruin my relationship with my parents.  And it will kill my dad. I know what you're saying (but he deserves it) I know that but I just can't upset my dad again.

I feel like i am stuck in the middle and it's not even my fault.

Thanks for your kind words and for being proud of me. There is a tiny bit of sunshine coming through but only a tiny.

Jo