Why am i feeling like this? Need help :(

[alenaxo]

Hi everyone,

Ok where do i begin..

I am 22 years old and have battled depression for 6 years now. Unfortunately it runs in my family and have the personality for it to target. I have big self esteem issues to the point where i cant leave the house without hiding behind make up and fake tan. I cant take any compliments and have never thought im good enough. I have an amazing boyfriend where sometimes i think how did i even get this person and doubt myself completely. I fear the future and just think he will eventually break up with me. I self doubt myself that much that jealousy comes into the picture. I get jealous even when he goes out with his friends.. WHY?! i think that his friends might egg him on to find someone better than me because i think im not good enough even though he would never do that i somehow keep putting ideas in my head that im not good enough and that he will just find better. I have no confidence in myself and he has to suffer for it. My depression has even affected us sexually because im not confident and self doubt myself. 

My boyfriend can never understand what im going through and just says im being silly but there is so much more to just being "silly". Sometimes i am that fed up with the way i think that i just cant be bothered anymore, i dont know how to help myself??

I am called beautiful all the time even by strangers yet i cant take any compliments or see why they are saying that. Everyday im negative in any situation and i dont want to be. I have tried reading self help books, they work for a short term period but eventually my depression takes over me.

Can anyone please give me some advise who is going through what i am????

thanks,

Alena

[Neil_1]

Hi Alena

I'm glad you signed off with Alena, cause I was going to ask you what is "Alenaxo" about?  Sorry, that's ME being silly.  Welcome to Beyond Blue and I'm so glad you've made this step.  Very positive and I hope between a whole stack of us and some professional help, we'll be able to assist you in some way.

You know when I was reading your post, even before I got to your last paragraph I was thinking:  "I bet your boyfriend says exactly the same to his friends, in that, wow I can't believe I've got Alena as my girlfriend, she's totally amazing and I can't believe someone who looks as sensational as she does would want to ever go out with me".

Your last paragraph confirmed to me my thoughts.

But we've got to get YOU to see that.

Have you thought about going to a GP to discuss exactly what you've posted here?  I think that is possibly something you should think seriously about doing.  They can help and they can give you advice and perhaps even recommend you to some other professional to help you with your thoughts.  And there's absolutely no shame in doing something like this.  It's your welfare and health which the concern and we want you to try and overcome these thoughts.

Also 6 years is too long to be battling this illness by yourself.  It's time you did seek professional help and I think you've made a brilliant first effort by coming to this site.

I do look forward to hearing back from you Alena, and I know you'll be receiving other warm responses from the other wonderful people who are on this site.  We don't judge anyone here and you'll receive care, support and hopefully advice that might be useful to you.

Kind regards

Neil