why hello hello hello pls help

[felix mendelssohn]

Hi everyone,

I'm only just working up the courage to say what I'm dealing with. Having read lots of posts over the last few days from people in much worse situations I can't help but feel like a whinging brat, but at the same time I am very tired of keeping everything to myself and things don't seem to be getting better.

I'm a 20yo old uni student, living away from home, completing an arts degree in music performance. I come from a stable and supportive family, no traumatic events, decent friendships from an early age that I still maintain. Hell, I don't even have to work during my degree thanks to scholarships and money from my parents. Objectively quite an enviable life. So what's the issue? Pretty much everything + depression. Oh, I also have T1DM which sucks.

I'm very homesick and miss my family - but if I stay at home nothing improves, I stagnate.

I have lots of acquaintances, very few friends, and at the moment I'd say no close friends. I feel that the more people know me, the less they come to like me. So I'll just keep it brief and say I struggle with forming intimate connections with people, and I blame no one but myself for that.

I generally have a pessimistic world view. Not so much that we're all doomed, but rather that we are powerless to dismantle the structures that perpetuate injustices, and that in order to do so would cause even more harm in the short term. Moreover, I see so many smart and politically engaged people with absolutely no interest in understanding the other side of the debate. Everyone is polarised.

I see no meaning in life on an existential level. I am not religious and my life philosophy is probably one of hedonism at the moment. Yet at the same time my depression and social ineptitude mean that I cannot even explore that.

As for uni, whilst I find playing and listening to music enormously helpful, the highly competitive environment and heavy practical workload is not healthy for me. I feel mediocre at best in comparison to my peers, and despite lots of focused effort to better myself the progress feels negligible.

Of late, I have come to drink a LOT of alcohol. Binge drinking several times a week, normally on my own. I don't fully understand why, but I feel it 'dumbs me down' to a point where I can actually relate with other people (and oh yes I know how pretentious that sounds and hate myself for it!). Alcohol, music, and my cat at home, are the only things that I feel bring me genuine pleasure.

Out of characters

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[DisplayName02]

Hi felix,

Glad to hear how ur going, though it seems a bit stressful what with living with your parents. Perhaps one upside is they provide sort of a touchstone for staying relatively clean with drinks?

Those withdrawal symptoms sound super sucky, are they mostly over now? It was interesting how you mentioned the waking into the same dream thing, ive had recently a couple of dreams like that where i wake up in bed like five times over but i cant focus or see - its very bizarre and getting such intense additives as yours must have been terrifying.

I get the uni thing completely. Luckily im not really tied down to any commitments at the moment but a fair few of my friends are in uni and struggling with that whole side of things.

I agree with therising too, but it can be a struggle. However I would hesitate before saying that you are somehow "repellant", after all I enjoy talking with you, and I think you have an incredible mind and intriguing personality. Sometimes the way we think can be the problem, yes, but dont attribute that to ur whole self, u are interesting and worth knowing, even in the midst of all this.

Im sorry that u feel like u do. I wish I could provide a heal all to help with everything, but the most I can do is reassure you that I believe you are worth knowing, that u always have someone to talk to even if its us, and finally that things will get better (no matter how annoyingly slow or weird or twisty that path)

Stay safe x

[Stressed Guy]

Hey Felix,

I just want to start off by saying I'm sorry you can't make friends or form meaningful connections with people. I kind certainly relate to that as well as being depressed of course.

I'm just going to add something else too, I don't believe you're completely pessimistic as your comment on my post was optimistic.

Also, I get about trying to talk to about your problems with others. I have a similar issue where people closest to me don't seem to care. I just wanted to add that you're not whinging and you did the right thing by reaching out for help.

With the alcohol side of things I think I understand what you're talking about. You drink to kind of numb your pain. I'm sure if you keep working on yourself you'll kick that habit.

I'll add something else, you're 20 years old, just don't beat yourself up about everything. And with the music side of things don't put too much pressure on yourself (You'll improve and get better at that I'm sure of it)

I play soccer and trust me I know where you're coming from in terms of competitiveness. If I have one bad game I'll beat myself up about it. I haven't won a Grand Final yet (I've made a few but lost them all) and honestly it makes me want it that much more.

I'll add one other thing, maybe you can't talk to your parents or friends but someone you meet will listen to your problems. Even though this is all anonymous on here, we're all listening.

John

[felix mendelssohn]

Thanks for both of your replies!

DisplayName

Sorry for the delay in replying, I've been feeling very foul lately and haven't really been checking anything. The withdrawal stuff is totally gone which is great, but as that chapter ends I realise I've just gone full circle and I'm back to where I was many months ago with nothing to show for it.

How are you going with all of your strange symptoms? The psychosomatic thing was just a stab in the dark really... What you said about the disrupted sleep also makes me think you could investigate your diet if you haven't already?

The uni thing is actually getting to be quite a big deal. There's no structure any more, no easy way to hold myself accountable and no separation of work and relaxation environments. Early in this semester I was really happy with the uni courses that I was doing and interested in the content. Now I just don't care and would rather drop everything. But I also tie my self-worth to my ability to get the work done (and to a good standard), so I know if I drop it I'll just fall into a deeper state of despair with crippled self esteem. Yum

Thanks for thinking I'm worth knowing and for sticking with me through all of this. 🙂

Stressed Guy

Hi there John, my mind's a bit foggy at the moment but you were the guy moving to the Gold Coast who was a bitter at his former self for not doing more, wasting youth etc.?

First of all I'm sorry that you're still clearly having troubles. I might revisit your post again later when I'm feeling more alive and see if there's anything else I can suggest. I don't think I was actually being optimistic with what I said to you. Optimism has connotations of a positive future outlook, I was just trying to encourage you to treat your younger self like a little brother maybe. We all change through our lives and become different people. So we shouldn't hold our past or future selves to present standards.

I'm don't totally agree that 'working on yourself' is a great way to kick alcohol, nor in all honesty do I think it's a great way to kick depression. Self betterment seems like a bit of a trap to me. Self acceptance (somehow without surrendering accountability) seems like a more holistic approach which will ultimately lead to self improvement as a by-product.

Not sure how much sense this is making - I will come back and clarify stuff later probably...

Kindlý regardiõs

Felix

[White_Rose]

Dear Felix

Hello and welcome. A bit belated as I see you have made many posts but I have not met you before. Great to have you aboard.

I want to comment about your medication. There seems to be a general impression with many people that an AD can cure your depression/anxiety or whatever cause it has been prescribed for. An ad will not cure your depression. It's not like say an antibiotic which will attack a bacterial infection and see it off (usually) leaving you well again and in no need of meds. An AD works on you personally and helps you become more able to manage therapy etc more easily. These days the most common AD are SSRI and there are hundreds of these. There are other groups of AD so it may pay you to read up on how each type of AD works. Dr Google has lots of information, some good, some not so good, so look for a reputable site. Ask your psychiatrist. I think this was one of the questions I asked when I started to see a psychiatrist.

Working on yourself does not include self-betterment. That's what happens when you go to uni/discuss matters of importance/read a lot. You said, Self acceptance (somehow without surrendering accountability) seems like
a more holistic approach which will ultimately lead to self improvement as a by-product. I agree most whole-heartedly. It is amazing what a difference it makes in your life when you can do this. I hasten to add that I have made some progress in this but by no means have I reached a complete acceptance.

I have had some traumatic incidents in recent years and still find it hard not to become angry and self pitying. The reality is you cannot make or stop someone doing something. All you can do is take responsibility for your own thoughts and actions. This applies to friendships as you cannot make friends with someone who is unwilling to be your friend as you have said. Those who offer or accept friendship do so because it is their decision, not yours. If they choose to take on what you describe as a burden it is their decision.

While we are so busy trying to safeguard other people and shield them from our "unworthiness" you are taking away their decision making abilities by not giving them the opportunity of friendship. It is hard to open up so as Display Name has commented, why not try the small things first.

I hope my suggestions sit well with you.
Mary

[DisplayName02]

Hey felix

Glad to hear your withdrawal symptoms are completely gone! It does suck not having any meds as an aid, but as White Rose said they arent nessecarily the only thing moving you forward. Have faith in yourself, as I have faith in you.

It seems uni is becoming a real issue for you, but its good that you are self aware enough to know how you would fare if you dropped everything. Perhaps it would help to distinguish the two states of relaxation and study a bit more? You could, for example, have two desks or setups for music study and music relaxation. Or perhaps even use a certain room/area that you dont go in except to study?

Another possibility to increase your desire to study is to look at the interesting parts of the curriculum. While they may not be the exact thing u need to look at, spend ten minutes or so on things that capture your mind a but more, and then 30-60 mins on the other stuff. This is what helped me a lot through all my study, because i get bored veryy easily.

As for me, well im not sure really how im doing. Ive been feeling quite "floaty" in a sense - hard to describe here cause not enough words. I have already had a look in to diet/sleep/routine etc and as far as I know there isnt a link.

Anyways Im glad to hear from you and I hope you can work out this uni issue, let me know how it goes and if any of those solutions could work 🙂

[felix mendelssohn]

Hello to the both of you. Unfortunately I have been really dead lately due to a bunch of reasons and haven't really been active on anything, but I thought I should reply briefly out of courtesy

White Rose

Hi there and thanks for your input. I am familiar with the different medications, as well as their role within a wider therapeutic regime.

It sounds like we're on the same page regarding self acceptance.

I do understand what you're saying about it ultimately being other people's decision to care. I don't even know what other people could realistically do to help though, nor do I see how I can in good conscience ask them to invest themselves in a flawed product that's really not so far from self-destructing. I am sorry to hear that you've had your own unpleasant experiences in the not too distant past.

Displayname

I can't actually physically differentiate study and relaxation areas as you're suggesting, it's just not possible unfortunately but it was a good suggestion.

Yeah, idk I feel like I work a bit differently, but right now it's more just an overwhelming lack of motivation and disengagement that goes right to the core of my own self that I'm dealing with right now, if that makes any sense... but I really don't want to complain about it anymore than I've already done.

[Stressed Guy]

Hi Felix,

You said "We all change through our lives and become different people. So we shouldn't hold our past or future selves to present standards".

I agree with your quote but I have one question. Why are you doing that?

I honestly believe if you want to give up alcohol you can. I'm not going to sit here and say I know what you're going through because I don't.

I know that with perseverance you can give it up but that could take time. I honestly just want the best for you and for everyone else on these forums and that's a fact.

Also, in regards to my post you don't have to comment on it. Me as a person, I like to think of myself as a "work in progress".

That essentially means that I won't get my act fully together for a few years and maybe that's alright.

I've got to figure it out myself. People on these forums can advise me but the only person that can take it on board is me.

I will say something else. Look I felt depressed in my early to mid twenties and I feel bad about it. I just don't want you to feel the same. I just want you to be happy with your life.

If you want to stop drinking, you want to make more friends you can. Maybe I don't know how you're going to achieve that but I definitely know that it's possible.

I don't know if any of this helps in the slightest but I thought I'd try. If you ever want to talk more in the future just reply to this post in the future.

John

[felix mendelssohn]

Hi there John and thanks for the follow up,

I'm not sure I totally agree with you in your suggestion that I treat my past self harshly. If I'm honest I think I'm even pretty forgiving of my self, though perhaps a valid point would be that I hold myself to unfair standards. To give an example, I'm doing a music performance degree. Had I put in a hell of a lot more effort into practice when I was younger I'd have a lot more going for me now. Still, I don't regret my decisions as they all made sense at the time. Regret is just totally pointless and unfair.

All of that said, this does nothing to alleviate the discontent that stems from being relatively inept at music performance. So maybe I'm just an idiot for pursuing it, but at the same time it's the only thing I really get some satisfaction out of. I'm not hung up on the past in any way, I just feel I'm going nowhere and at best will achieve mediocrity. I think this would be true regardless of what study/career path I chose. I just don't enjoy the present and do not see the future improving despite all of the effort that I put in, which leads to an intense despair. I try to develop good routines, speak to people about stuff (not this heavy stuff obviously), work hard at uni when I can, I've sought out meds and psych support, tried exercise but that's complicated by my t1 diabetes.... it's all pretty pointless. Socially there's nothing good happening and I don't have a clue what to do - I have no good friendships (covid's really highlighted how little anyone cares about me as I message people and just get ignored) and no obvious prospects for a romantic relationship (must have an offputting/intimidating/alien personality, plus living in the middle of nowhere) - so nothing socially which is hard for any young adult.

With respect to alcohol, I'm not even 100% sure I want to kick it. Yes I know it sends me into dark places but it's also a fleeting escape from this mundane drudgery that is my life. A life without pleasure, without social distraction or validation, a life without meaning, why would anyone want to stay in that? Plus in the hangover I can focus on the physical pain rather than how hopeless it all seems. 😄

I know this has all come out quite intense, sorry. I'm just very tired and frustrated and a bit stressed out from uni on top

I hope you yourself are keeping well and if you have anything of your own you feel like discussing I'm happy to listen.

Felix

[Sophie_M]

Hey Felix, its Sophie from the moderation team here, we just wanted to pop in and offer some words of support. 

We can imagine living in an isolated area would be really difficult for a young adult like yourself. We know it would make meeting new people and starting new friendships an even trickier task than it is. It sounds like you're an ambitious person and its really admirable that you're pursuing something that makes you happy. We're concerned to hear you are using alcohol to mask your feelings, is this something you would feel comfortable sharing with your psychologist? they might be able to suggest some healthier alternatives to get you feeling better. 

If you feel up to it, we’d encourage you to reach out to our Support Service. We’re available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our professional mental health counsellors at our Support Service will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area.

Lifeline is  another great option for support, which you can access by calling 13 11 14 or visit https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat

Kidshelpline also offer 24/7 counselling for those under 25 years and are available by calling 1800 55 1800 or visit https://kidshelpline.com.au/ We look forward to reading your next post. 

[Stressed Guy]

Hi Felix,

I don't think I'm giving the best advice here so far, sorry about that.

I'll start off by saying I know what it's like to have no friends. I don't have any at the moment and that's something I plan to rectify in the future.

Also, I have 2 brothers but they have their own lives and we don't talk to each other. This pandemic has highlighted that no one really cares about me either. I've texted my brother on messenger sometimes and he takes over a week to see it l.

I just wanted to say that I'm socially inept. I'm also in the same boat where I think it won't get better. What I'm doing with my life is not living. It seems like my life has been a joke.

I just want it all to get better and I want that for you too.

If you love music performance then keep on doing it. Hey, I'm a writer and I want to publish some of my stories one day. My mum thinks it's impossible, so does my dad and everyone else in my family. They call it a 'hobby. No, it's more than that and I want to go about proving everyone wrong (It gets pretty tiring doing that all the time though. It really zaps my energy sometimes)

So, what I'm trying to get at is for you to keep pursuing music. Maybe it will lead somewhere, maybe it won't. How do you know if you give up now? Have you gotten any feedback from your teachers? Have others said it's bad?

I'm also sorry to hear about your struggles with alcohol. In regards to numbing the pain, I know what you mean. My heart hurts and I cry sometimes for a variety of reasons. A lot more than I've mentioned in the past. It also seems like no one listen to my problems much like yourself.

You're 20, right? Well I'm 26 and I just wanted to say that I don't want you or anyone else on here to waste years thinking of what will happen or what might be.

No one knows what will happen in the future. It's scary but also kind of exciting and interesting all at the same time. Also, don't put a limit on what you're capable of. I've had people in the past who have said I couldn't do something and more times than not I prove them wrong. You can do that too and in the process you can prove yourself wrong as well. The only person who's putting a limit on what you can achieve is you.

If you ever want to talk more about anything I'm here to listen.

John