why hello hello hello pls help

[felix mendelssohn]

Hi everyone,

I'm only just working up the courage to say what I'm dealing with. Having read lots of posts over the last few days from people in much worse situations I can't help but feel like a whinging brat, but at the same time I am very tired of keeping everything to myself and things don't seem to be getting better.

I'm a 20yo old uni student, living away from home, completing an arts degree in music performance. I come from a stable and supportive family, no traumatic events, decent friendships from an early age that I still maintain. Hell, I don't even have to work during my degree thanks to scholarships and money from my parents. Objectively quite an enviable life. So what's the issue? Pretty much everything + depression. Oh, I also have T1DM which sucks.

I'm very homesick and miss my family - but if I stay at home nothing improves, I stagnate.

I have lots of acquaintances, very few friends, and at the moment I'd say no close friends. I feel that the more people know me, the less they come to like me. So I'll just keep it brief and say I struggle with forming intimate connections with people, and I blame no one but myself for that.

I generally have a pessimistic world view. Not so much that we're all doomed, but rather that we are powerless to dismantle the structures that perpetuate injustices, and that in order to do so would cause even more harm in the short term. Moreover, I see so many smart and politically engaged people with absolutely no interest in understanding the other side of the debate. Everyone is polarised.

I see no meaning in life on an existential level. I am not religious and my life philosophy is probably one of hedonism at the moment. Yet at the same time my depression and social ineptitude mean that I cannot even explore that.

As for uni, whilst I find playing and listening to music enormously helpful, the highly competitive environment and heavy practical workload is not healthy for me. I feel mediocre at best in comparison to my peers, and despite lots of focused effort to better myself the progress feels negligible.

Of late, I have come to drink a LOT of alcohol. Binge drinking several times a week, normally on my own. I don't fully understand why, but I feel it 'dumbs me down' to a point where I can actually relate with other people (and oh yes I know how pretentious that sounds and hate myself for it!). Alcohol, music, and my cat at home, are the only things that I feel bring me genuine pleasure.

Out of characters

F

[DisplayName02]

Hi F,

So while I am by no means an expert, I hope my side of things can help a little, even by just giving you an avenue to explore. Im not sure what youve tried or thoight about so this is a bit random at times 🙂

Firstly, you dont have to be in the worst situation of anyone in the world to reach out for help. Life sucks sometimes, and you have just a right to wanting happiness as anyone else.

For the no close friends issue, in my experience a lot of people struggle with that. In fact many of my acquaintices and friends have come to me with that same issue multiple times. I have no solve all, it depends who u are as a person. But I can say that the main reason I have always felt like I have friends is because I consider everyone a close friend (cheesy ik). More specifically inthe sense of, peopleonly become close if u treat them as such. A close friend perhaps is defined by you as someone who you can share important issues with. Well the only way that is going to happenis if you take the first step. Now obviously im not advising going and spilling your life story to just anyone, but try being frank with some of your current friends. If you were feeling particularly homesick one day, share that with someone who you feel can maybe sympathise or empathise with you.

Another things to keep in mind is that friends dont have to know everything about you to be close, or even hang out a lot. Different people understand different sides of you the best, and thats okay. Everyone you meet is seeing you through their eyes and every (not toxic) friend is caring for you in their own way. Thats why its great to open up to different people about different things. Perhaps look at what your definition of a close friend is?

Finally, as much as ik u probably dont want to hear this, everyone goes through this stage in life. I spent 5 years without any friends whatsoever in school, I now have plenty of close friends. A good friend of mine struggled with the lack of connections in her life for a long time but she now has many close and even best friends that she can rely on. Even though it takes work and it may suck rn, it will get better.

On your other topics, I do want to speak about them too, but Ive kinda run out of space. I might leave another reply? Im sorry if this is too much or not relevant, but on the off chance that this can make a difference in your life Im willing to sound overeager

I hope things work out for you, dont be afraid of reaching out - YOU ARE IMPORTANT

[felix mendelssohn]

Hi DisplayName,

Finished replying on your thread, so check that out if you haven't. Also had a nap.

Thanks for your reply, I might respond and then give a bit more info that I couldn't fit in the first post if that's alright.

I do understand that you needn't be in an objectively bad situation/environment in order to reach out for help - I mean I've done so here, despite it. I guess it's just that on one level, I feel bad for distracting attention from others with bigger issues, and then on another level I feel very 'weak' for struggling despite having so many advantages and things to be grateful for. Anyhow, I'm not sure there's too much to be done about that.

I agree with much of what you've said about the nature of friendship. I agree that there are different kinds of friends. Some persons are fun to engage with for witty banter, others for a robust debate, others for just their warmth of spirit, energy or outlook. Certainly, I've definitely noticed that offering a level of vulnerability to, placing trust in and/or confiding in a potential friend makes them so much more open to reciprocating and ultimately forming a stronger connection. As you said, you shouldn't start with spilling your life story, but discussing lighter, surface issues is probably more socially acceptable.

To skip to the point, I think that I am really really really not comfortable sharing my own difficulties with anyone. I mean it's okay here, we're anonymous, but to share an issue of that gravity with someone in person is a really big burden to place on them. I haven't even told my parents about this and it's been going on for ~2 years. I am literally withdrawing cash to pay for my AD meds (started probably 6 months ago, also counselling therapy a bit before that) so that I don't get pharmacy expenses showing up on my credit card history which my parents could see and question. I was kept in a psych ward for a day because I refused to let the doctor inform anyone, again because it's an unfair burden. Plus if my parents found out they'd probably freeze my money to stop me getting alcohol which is literally the only thing that makes me feel human.

And say I did tell someone about it all, what are they realistically going to do? Reason with a depressed, deluded and probably intoxicated guy? Be a comforting ear that makes my troubles seem reasonable and my drinking justified? All I see is possibly a lot more harm being done if I do decide to end it. I just see no way to win here.

Felix

[DisplayName02]

Hi Felix

Firstly thankyou for checking out my thread, it means a lot to me that you took time out of your day to help me and yea really thankyou so much ☺️

Right now my heart goes out to you. I can see youre really really struggling and it must suck so much for you right now.

Ik this sounds a but cliche, but life will get better, even if you feel like your stuck now.

While theres a lot going on in your life, dont ever doubt the importance of sharing even if you find it too difficult rn. An ear to listen isnt just there to comfort, its to support and sometimes snap you out of bad habits in your thinking. People can help. Now im not saying that its not a real struggle cause it is. It actually really is so hard, I know from experience.

You mentioned therapy, do you still continue with that? Because that is a really good first step to expressing your emotions. Overall though I really want to say that you are worth your own self love and happiness. You might be struggling with things, but you are beautifully and uniquely you under all that. What I guess Im trying to say is I think the first step could be maybe trying some self love or acceptance methods? Its not easy by any means, and even saying it to yourself wont nessecarily make you believe it, but even by repeating it in your conscious mind youre beginning to trace the pathways in your brain thatcan help all this.

Finally, I just wanted to say that you mentioned it was unfair burden for others to listen to you. Again I know you may not neessecarily believe me right off the bat, but it actually isnt in your boundaries to question wether its unfair or fair to them. You arent forcing them, it is their choice to care for you - and thats what makes love and care special. You are not at all to blame for someones ability to support you, if someone cant support you (maybe bc of issues or fragility in their own life), it is their choice to tell you and to lead you to someone who can. I know that this isnt something you believe but there is never any harm in asking.

Again, I am not expecting or saying it will be easy to talk to people. Take things in small steps and try to care for yourself throughout it. Maybe try doing little things for your body like buying a nice soap or aftershave to start with?

Also, all of this advice may or may not be helpful, I honestly am just writing out of the experiences Ive had and the experiences Ive helped other people through

Wishing for the best ☺️

DisplayName

[therising]

Hi felix

You sound like a very natural sort of person

• You're fed up with the foolish ways of politicians and others who are more invested in their closed minds than they are in having a mind open to a plethora of naturally intelligent and exciting possibility
• You recognise, with gratitude, all that is given to you and at the same time you recognise the incredible struggles that can come with raising yourself to multiple challenges
• You cannot find meaning to life on a basic level, yet hold a healthy curiosity in finding meaning on some other level
• Whilst you enjoy the nature of music, you are perhaps naturally not competitive in this field maybe because this feels forced to a degree. I imagine the heavy workload also takes away a little from your natural love of music

The list goes on in regard to the understandable aspects of a very natural person.

How easy would it be if the tribe we best vibed with suddenly came up to us and said 'We want you in our close knit group' and then you found out they were the greatest most inspiring and open minded people you'd ever met. Folk will want to join a group they feel they click with. Whether it be the armed forces, a religious community, a cult or something else, everyone's looking for a sense of belonging. There is nothing wrong with being picky. If you naturally feel you don't click with folk, it can take significant time before you do find your people.

You mention you blame yourself for an inability to form intimate connections with people. Please don't. Most of us aren't taught the skills in forming such connections. We typically wing it. There's skill in being able to naturally read whether people are right for us or not. There's skill in engaging people to be able to let their guard down and be their natural self. Most of us aren't taught the natural skills; if anything we're gradually taught judgement, creating distance as opposed to acceptance (self acceptance included). You mention dumbing yourself down with alcohol in social settings. I can relate. I used to binge drink during my years in depression. I found it allowed me to accept life as it was - challenging, unsatisfying and depressing at times. It allowed me to accept others and their superficiality or disinterest in finding greater meaning in life. I found people were happy to stagnate, which is rather depressing.

Do you think you could be looking for naturally open minded folk who love discussing the philosophical side of life and how we tick?

🙂

[felix mendelssohn]

Thanks to both of you for your really considered and insightful replies. I'll try to respond to both of you as best I can.

Displayname

Yeah, just gotta stick it out til something changes for the better. I'm just pretty tired of waiting if I'm honest. Sometimes I think, "wow I think these antidepressants are actually working, look at me doing this and that, things aren't actually all that bad" but it'll never last more than a few days at the most before I flip back.

I understand the importance of sharing, but... arrrgh... the act of sharing that you're struggling can easily be interpreted as a 'request' for help, which I still feel is an unreasonable thing to ask of them. This may be a bit deluded, but I also feel that the only way to keep yourself accountable is to not share it. The moment I started getting treated 'special' and with extra sympathy, I would begin to question whether I'm fabricating it for said special treatment.

Yes, I'm still doing therapy, though I haven't over the past few months because of the Summer uni-break. Actually seeing a psychiatrist in a couple of days for the first time to check out whether I'm on the right meds and feeling what I should be feeling. I've certainly felt less angsty and impulsive on them, but that's about it, and there are of course side effects. Also concerned that I may be further hastening the destruction of my liver.

As for expressing emotions, I normally try to do this with my music, which is probably really healthy and mature of me (yeah, go me!). I'm working on the self-love stuff, but it's two steps forward, one step back, you know. 🙂

Thanks for your thoughts and care, it really means a lot!

therising

It's interesting and very kind of you to describe me as natural; I so often feel quite the opposite, which I'm guessing you understand? To feel so alien to your peers in so many respects, yet still desire meaningful relationships and friendships... and then not to allow yourself to think that you're different, because to do so is counterproductive and interpreted by everyone as 'haughty' and antisocial. It's a challenge.

I'm really sorry that you've had the same experience with drinking. The reasons you described for engaging in it ring true for me, so I think we're on the same page. I just feel it makes me more human and 'natural'. I agree, finding like-minded folk would go some way to addressing my social dissatisfaction, and maybe that in turn would make me feel less of a need to change myself?

Felix

[DisplayName02]

Hey Felix,

How are going? Did you end up going to the psychiatrist, and if so, how was it? Hopefully you have worked out a balance or allayed some worries about the meds?

I just wanted to say that therising is certainly right in saying you are a very normal and natural person in some of these struggles, not everyone clicks and sometimes the situation/area you are in can limit types of people that you come in contact with. You will probably find that one day you suddenly come into contact with your type of people.

In terms of the flipping between thinking that everythings getting better and then it suddenly getting worse, something I find helps me is focussing on those good days as a way of looking at life, and thinking of the bad days as just off days that dont indicate your life. For me that helped because it allowed me to not stress about how "well" i was doing but rather focus on managing myself within the moment. Dont forget every good day is a win.

I definitly understand the "what if im just making this up" thing, it sucks a lot. One of the ways I pushed past that to get help at times was to keep in mind an absolute indicator of something wrong that I remember, and use that to ensure to myself the issue is not just something Im using for attention. Its really hard for me, and this is one of the areas I find really difficult in my life, so for now thats my only advice but if I come across anything else helpful ill let you know 🙂

I know it might be a bit annoying to hear me say this again, but it is never wrong to ask - even if it is unreasonable. IF through the act of sharing they interpret it as a request for help, it is still absolutly okay. Another way of looking at it is like if your sibling or family friend asked if you could spend a week helping them move, reassuring you that you dont have to. If you dont have the time or space, you can say no. Whatsmore, while its a big thing theyre asking for, its not unreasonable simply because they arent demanding it or holding anything over you. If you ask, without demanding, blackmailing or bribing, it is never unreasonable. It is always the other persons choice, and therefore within their boundaries.

Anyways thats what I believe, and - uh - sorry if that came across a bit intense but im not sure how else to say it whole getting my point across, sorry!

Keep us up-to-date, and I hope everything goes well,

Display Name

[felix mendelssohn]

Hi Display Name,

Thanks for checking back on me, actually means a lot! 🙂

I did indeed see the psychiatrist; he's suggested changing the medication that I'm on to something a bit more potent. So if I can see it through, I've now got to face (probably a few weeks of) withdrawal from the meds that I've been on, then whatever effects the new medication throws at me. All the while trying not to drink very much if at all so that my brain can reset and let the new medication actually work. What really concerns me about this is that I have to go through probably months of uni (and life) without any effective way of coping. So yeah, rocky times ahead I think.

Thanks for agreeing that I'm mostly normal and reasonable. I've tried taking some different classes this semester at uni to hopefully meet some new and different kinds of people, so fingers crossed I might click with some of them. At the same time I do feel like I'm probably unappreciative of the friends I do already have. But look at me - I have friends! I ought to be totally fine, but I'm still just so dissatisfied. I feel like I need a knock on the head, honestly.

Looking at the good days as 'normal' regardless of their infrequency is an interesting idea. I'll definitely test that out in the weeks to come.

Yes, I believe we're both afflicted with that issue of not trusting ourselves. We really have the same advice to each other there... Writing to oneself when in a totally foreign emotional state serves as that hard evidence I reckon, hence why I suggested it to you. It's not a fickle memory, it's an honest account of experience. It certainly is an ongoing struggle to take oneself seriously though, I know.

I really don't know if it's just an ingrained part of me, but asking for help is really not who I am. I get that 'we gotta overcome toxic masculinity' and 'no man is an island' and all of that, but to have been brought up in a community where everyone suffers in silence and men don't/can't cry, you learn that there's a certain nobility and satisfaction that comes with toughing out your problems on your own. It's about preserving that last shred of dignity and doing all you can to not burden society more than is necessary. Similarly, many take a principled stand against accepting charity. The ultimate effect may be that it causes more harm than good to go it alone, but it might be that person's only way of proving their self worth to themselves. Not sure if that makes sense really, but I tried.

Felix

[DisplayName02]

Hi Felix

So ive written a little under my thread but I just wanted to check up and see how u were going with the medication process. Are u still going on the more potent stuff and if so when? Also how are u coping with uni- are the different classes going well? And also how is the alcohol thing going, do u feel a bit more in control in that space?

I also wanted to mention that i completely understand the not wanting to ask for help thing, because im the same when it comes to working out problems on my own. The way i worked around this is by changing my thought process - i started drawing similarities between ordinary things i leave up to other people to help me and things i felt i ought to be able to do. For example, I dont assume to be able to make my own phone. I dont have access to all the resources and even if i did, Id have to spend copious amounts of money time and energy to make it, not to mention even learning how to. Instead I buy a phone at a shop because there are people much better equiped for that side of life, and they can provide me with what i need. Same if my pet was hurt, I wouldnt try to help myself, Id take her to a vet - bc theyve trained and have access to the resources i dont. So its the same with any personal problems. If you dont have the resources or knowledge, sometimes its better to go to someone who does. It doesnt diminish your self worth, bc as long as youve had a crack at it (which you have) its merely time/money/effort saving venture. At least, thats how i portray it to myself in my mind. It works fairly well, as i give myself chance to work it through which often works out bc i feel safe knowing i can always go to someone. Im not sure if this is making any sense but thats sorta what i started getting myself to think.

Anyways again hope youre doing well and i look forward to ur reply x

[felix mendelssohn]

Hi displayname,

Thanks for checking back on me. I do sometimes feel like I'm doing my best to give advice to people here on this site, but they don't understand it's coming from a deeply flawed person, haha

I'm totally off the old antidepressants, the withdrawal effects of which were pretty unpleasant. Probably the worst was a night where I had these nightmares of sleeping in my bed, experiencing intense emotional distress, being paralysed, screaming out to break out of the dream, only to wake up into an identical dream. This repeated like 20x, and when I did wake up I was fairly convinced that it was just another dream - I was pretty reluctant to go back to sleep after that...

The psychiatrist wants me to go on stronger meds now, but I think I'd much rather try to manage without for the time being. With the virus and all I've had to go back home, and I'd rather not be trying to secretly deal with a new medication right in front of my parents. I've cut down the alcohol a bit, because it was not gelling well with the withdrawal, and also because I'm now under my parents' noses. I guess the challenge is to keep it that way

Uni's a challenge - most of my subjects are chiefly practical and can't be done properly online. Very hard to find any motivation to engage with what work is possible, though I expect this is a very common sentiment.

I agree that it's important to delegate responsibility to others when you're in a position of weakness. That's what I've done by seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist. This said, I'd rather not make that weakness known to people who aren't bound by professional secrecy.

Really I think I just need what therising was talking about - some people with whom I can actually click. Sometimes I think I find people like that but I'm always disappointed. I'm also very much aware that anything I say in the pursuit of meaningful contact just makes me come across as haughty, condescending, even misanthropic to lots of people when that's really not the case.

At present I just feel very alone, misunderstood, understimulated, stagnant, disillusioned and pretty hopeless that anything's going to change.

I see my mind as the problem. My thought patterns and world outlook contribute to a comprehensive existential depression. My mind and personality is clearly also repellent and/or screwed in that I can't form meaningful connections. If I drink a load of alcohol that tends to sort things out because suddenly I'm operating on a similar wavelength