Why can't I just be happy?

[Aussie.Girl]

Apologies for the essay...

I recently quit my job because I was feeling overwhelmed with stress and it was causing RSI as well as issues with my back and knees. 

I thought that afterwards I would have significantly less stress and I would be able to complete some tasks which have been on my to do list for months. However, external factors are still getting in the way (the weather, getting sick etc) so I have basically made no progress at all. 

Anyway, I have been thinking for a long time that I would like to work from home in future and with the end of year sales I was able to purchase a laptop. 

I live with my family and we have a desktop computer but it is a shared device so I thought it would be good to get laptop just for me. 

I did loads of research and spent hours at the shop testing before deciding on a mid-range HP. 

As soon as I got to the car I panicked about the price (even though I have savings and it wasn't crazy expensive). 

Now I can't bring myself to open the box because as long as its still sealed I can return it for a 100% refund (I have 2wks to decide)

I don't know what to do, I thought I would be happy with this but now I just feel guilty every time I look at the box because I didn't /need/ a laptop and I've never really spent that much on something not strictly necessary.

I feel broken... This isn't the first time I've tried to do something fun or buy something nice only to feel guilty and anxious instead. 

What should I do?

I can't even tell if I want the laptop anymore, it just makes me stressed to think about it. 😓

Why can't anything in my life just be simple? I'm trying so hard to do the right thing and I always end up stressed and upset afterwards. 

I just want to be able to live my life without feeling guilty for every little thing... I want to feel relaxed and happy and free. I left my job and I still feel trapped, and I don't know what to do...

Please share any advice you think might help, and I would appreciate opinions on whether I should keep the laptop or just return it. Thank you 

[sbella02]

Aussie Girl,

Thank you for reaching out to us, I'd like to warmly welcome you to the forums whether or not this is your first time here. We're happy to have you.

I can definitely understand the anxiety and guilt that can come after making a significant purchase. If I may delve a little deeper into your response to it, do you know what made you feel like that? Do you feel like you are undeserving of something like a personal-use laptop? Is there guilt for you associated with using a personal device rather than a shared one? Is it the guilt of feeling like you could've spent that money on something else, or someone else? Do you feel like you might've paid too much for what the laptop is worth? This may help get to the root of why you feel like this, and thus, relieve you of your guilt.

If it helps, I've made a few expensive purchases in the last few years, including a guitar which cost me a little more than I'd like to admit. To myself, I justified this purchase by reminding myself of my passion for music and the long duration for which I've been meaning to buy a guitar. I also viewed the purchase as a reward for my academic successes earlier in the year. 

We don't necessarily need to justify gifts that are expensive if they're for our personal use. If it can add value and ease to your life, whether it's for personal or professional use, it was worthwhile. A laptop, for instance, can have a variety of uses for you. You can write and record things, surf the Internet, play games, keep track of events... whatever you need to use it for.

I know it's not necessarily about the laptop, but the principle applies to anything that we may "unnecessarily" splurge on, if we're aiming to be financially responsible overall. Sure, there might have been other things we could've saved for, but if we've saved up specifically, we're being financially responsible with other purchases, it'll make us happy, bring us inspiration, income, or make our lives easier, it was worthwhile.

Please continue to chat here if you'd like to, we're here to listen and support you. 

My advice: don't return the laptop. Allow yourself to relish in your purchase. You deserve to be happy 🙂

All the best, SB

[Aussie.Girl]

Hi, Thank you for your reply. 

I think the guilt comes from knowing I have no income at the moment (even though that was my decision; or maybe especially because that was my decision), and then spending a 'large' amount of money seems like a poor decision. 

I am always very careful with my money, so I guess it also feels like I'm going against what's expected of me by spending so much as well.

I also feel like it's silly to have bought something I don't really /need/ as the shared computer works fine and I have my phone and an iPad for basic internet tasks. 

My iPad won't run some windows based programs (or at least not the full desktop versions) and a couple of games I'd like to try so that was my main reason for buying the laptop.

I guess I just feel like I haven't earned it? 

And that there are more important things I should be saving for/spending my money on...

Sorry for complaining, I just want to be sure I've made the right decision because I hate feeling so guilty and anxious about something that was supposed to be a positive thing.

[therising]

Hi Aussie.Girl

With sbella02 mentioning how an expensive purchase can add value and ease to our life, I couldn't agree more. For me, my laptop is 1) a key resource and 2) an important investment in a whole variety of ways. The question could be 'Is your laptop a good investment for the future?'. I know, hard to tell until it pays off in some way.

'How could it pay off?' is the next question. A strange suggestion perhaps but you could consider an exercise for the imagination? Imagine asking your future self 'Tell me, how has this laptop paid off? Name at least 5 different ways you can tell me about'. What might your future self say? Could it say

1. It's been instrumental as a resource in helping us manage our mental health. While you've managed in some ways through your phone and ipad, the laptop opens things up even more, based on a variety of new resources you'll come across through it. You have no idea just how much of a difference it's made
2. It leads you to investigate a lot of 'working from home' jobs
3. The laptop leads you to consider what online courses you'd like to do, ones that would lead you in different directions, ones you aren't considering right now
4. It comes to offer you a sense of achievement in a number of ways and, most important...
5. It is our investment. While it cost a bit, this investment, it is solely ours and that's something to be proud of

It's definitely hard at times, unwrapping a gift we've given our self, especially when it's an expensive one. It's like 'How can I possibly justify this?'. If you feel you can't justify buying this gift for your current self, perhaps you could gift it to your future self, who's possibly done quite a bit with it from the moment you unwrap it. A strange way to look at things but I find once perspective changes, the mind becomes free to open up to many possibilities.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Aussie Girl,

Staying in a job that is causing RSI along with knee and back issues will eventually in the long wrong cause you a lot of pain, maybe operations to fix these health issues, in my eyes, you done the right thing for both your physical and mental health….

You have a vision, a dream of working from home, to do that you need “tools”, just like a mechanic needs his tools…without them you cannot start to do anything….The laptop you bought…is the tool you need to start your dream of working from home….

Please don’t feel guilty about your purchase… to follow your dream of working from from, you 100% need it….You deserve a chance to do what’s in your heart…believe in yourself beautiful lady….and never give up on yourself or your dreams….

My kindest thoughts with my care Dear Aussie Girl…🤗🌈🦋.

Grandy..

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Aussie Girl,

The first time I bought something on the expensive side for myself I remember feeling a kind of anxiety and guilt too, like did I make the right decision? It can still happen to me now. I have plans at the moment to start a photography-related business idea for which I knew I would need a new kind of camera lens. I decided to go for it despite my minimal income at present, but did have that anxiety a bit again when it shipped within 2 days. But like others above have said, I think it’s about having a future focus and being able to see the value of the investment. That value may be financial or work related, but it may also be the enjoyment value which is just as important for your happiness and wellbeing.

The laptop will have the value of you having independent access to it so you don’t have to negotiate use time with others. You can even sit and work in a cafe if you want to. If you did end up working from home in a self-employed capacity you can claim it as a business expense.

 I am finally learning in my middle-aged years (48 now) that I can prioritise choices I want to make. I grew up thinking I’m not deserving of things and would feel guilty for existing at times. But I’m finally learning to let go of the harsh inner critic within me who has popped up at regular intervals throughout life. That critical voice that questions whether I deserve things is finally starting to diminish.

 I would say listen to your instincts and intuition. If it felt right when you were inspired to buy it I find that’s usually a good sign it’s right. Our deep knowing and intuition can often be opposed by our inner critic who decides to pay a visit just when we are trusting our instincts. So I would say gently feel into your decision at an intuitive level and let that be your guide.

 I’m excited now about my new camera lens as it allows new creative possibilities regardless if I successfully start a business or not. But it is also a great motivator for developing my business idea. So it might also help allowing your imagination to travel freely about future possibilities with the laptop.

Take care,

ER

[Aussie.Girl]

Thank you everyone for your advice.

Unfortunately I'm still sick and can't think straight so I don't feel up to making a decision at the moment. I just don't have the energy to do anything...

Hopefully this cold/flu goes away soon.

[Ggrand]

Hi Aussie Girl,

I’m sorry sweety that you’re not well…hope you feel better soon, Please take as best care of yourself that you can….

Sending healing hugs and thoughts..

Grandy..

[Eagle Ray]

Take care Aussie Girl,

Yes, it can be a good idea to wait until you feel better to make decisions. Rest well and hope you feel a lot better soon 🤗

ER