Why are you not smiling-you used to be so funny

[Daisycqt]

Ever since I was a child I was told " you eldest sister had the brains, your next sister is beautiful, but never mind you're the funny one".  A tag which has annoyed me all my life as I'm not a blasted clown. Since my depressions got worse and I've slowed down physically and mentally, I'm getting reminded of this even more, especially when I cant be all bright and happy. Even right now, after telling family I am fine, not cross, I've just been told "I don't care what you say, something's making you cross right now because you are not all happy and smiling"  which means either I've got to pretend to be happy or I'll end up in a fight in about 3 hours or so. I can't handle a fight so I'll slap on a smile and then everyone else will feel ok while I'm crying inside. Why can't I just be how I feel? Why are their feelings more important than mine?

[white knight]

Hi Daisycqt,

I just asked a few questions about you on your other thread. This one though is clearer to me.

I wrote an article recently here called "Wit- the only answer to torment"  try google to find it.

So, some rehearsing might be required. eg  Someone says "you used to be so funny" answer- "that's before I became sad, sad that people only ever see my missing humour and not my internal love and kindness"....

"Snap out of it".....answer "oh, I didnt know you have mental health credentials"

They might seem rather sarcastic but you get my meaning. I ended up with this view of people (including family) that "throw" stones at you without reaching out and helping because I was fed up with these sort of comments. And your painted picture of those lingering comments comparing you with your sisters would make me so angry.

So if you are really angry use some phrases but remember, these people love you and dont mean harm. So they need to be educated regardless of their ages. Some you might be able to sit down with and explain your feelings about that comparison. Others you need your combat hat on and go in full swing. One answer comes to mind is "if you were compared to a clever sister and a beautiful sister how would you feel"

My dad always taught me to reverse the situation. Then throw it back at them. Sounds cruel? You have to toughen up and equalise some people in order not to suffer more pain and depression and look after yourself better.

So in terms of your own mental health...charity begins at home...

Tony WK

[Daisycqt]

You are right of votes I need to let them know what I am feeling but you can't get over a lifetime of conditioning. That said when I had the inevitable argument ( hence my delay in reply) I was able to do as you suggested and let them know how I was feeling and that I was not just. A cardboard cut out. I am not sure how much went in but the argument ended well so perhaps a seed has been sewn!

[White_Rose]

Hello again Daisy

I am somewhat puzzled about why you and your family argue about why you are or are not funny. Apart from generally accepted differences in personality, why would anyone assign a role to you. Are you expected to be the family cheer leader?

I know my own children have their own way of interacting and siblings like to stir each other, but why the song and dance. I remember when my daughter's fiancé teased her one day and she did not jump down his throat. Her brothers stared at her in amazement and then asked the BF if he had a death wish. My daughter just smiled. The BF's rating sky-rocketed in her brothers' minds. But the subject was then dropped. It was obvious she was in love.

Had it been a major or adverse change I would have been surprised and perhaps concerned. Maybe had a chat afterwards, but no great drama. So I can understand why you got annoyed with your family.

In some ways I agree with White Knight's response. Giving a flippant answer in a public situation is probably better than an in-depth explanation. You could say something on the lines of, "Why do I have to look happy all the time? I have bad days just like everyone else."  I don't see why you should feel forced to smile to please others.  Ask one of them to take over the role of smiley-face while you have a rest.

Yes I can see it leading to a huge discussion if you let it. Either walk away or tell them how you feel. On that topic, why not get BB to send you some information on depression. Explore the tabs at the top of the page and navigate to the information you want. There is also stuff for family and friends which you can hand out. It will take the strain off you telling them what's wrong.

I hope that's all helpful

Mary