who can I talk to when im depressed?

[lunaviolet59]

Since I was a little girl I have gone through long periods of depression.  My teachers had me see the school counselor but I wouldnt tell her anything because I didnt trust her. I used to try to tell my parents but they blew it off as dramatics and ignored it or laughed at me for it. Because of that I internalized it a lot during my childhood. Ive always had friends but if my own parents wouldnt believe me how could I possibly let some kids in? I started gaining weight and withdrawing from people. I started to self harm. I dont even remember when I started having thoughts about hurting myself. It just sort of was. By the time I was in highschool I was a completely different person. I had an emergency surgery that left me unable to ever have kids. I didnt have anyone to turn to and while my family thought id just been ok with it I was constantly reminded of what I lacked when I was at school or when our family had a new member. It became a big trigger for me and I didnt know how to cope. What could anyone understand?  None of them were failures the way I would always be. years passed and I found myself engaged. The man I loved and trusted hurt me in so many ways and I would let the abuse continue because I was desperate. It took him leaving before I even realized what id let go on for almost two years. I started going to parties and experimenting with drugs. Every day I had hundreds of thoughts about ending it all. I hoped that id down the right combination and all my pain and emptiness would just go away. I told myself that every day was a new hell. Then at one of the parties I was sexually abused when I wasnt able to do anything.  I still have nightmares and plead in my sleep. Its one of the reasons im afraid. Im afraid that all this will make me unable to connect with anyone. Ive been unable to have any relationship longer than 2 weeks since my fiance left and married the other woman. I cant sit with my friends without feeling like its forced. And I know they love me and I dont wanna lose them. But I cant tell my family any of whats happened or anything that im going through. Id just be an even bigger disappointment. And im afraid they'll just laugh at me again. There's nothing that bites more than your mom mocking your cry for help. I want a promising life and I want to get past this but its all locked up inside and my only outlet is the internet and my cats. I dont want this to bring me down but imbjust afraid to seek help. What should I do?

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[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Luna, 

I love your username. First of all welcome to beyond blue, I hope you can find the support you need here.

It sounds like you have been through a lot. That previous sentence seems like an understatement. I can't imagine the pain you have been through. Sometimes it really seems like life just doesn't give us a break, I have been there for a few months. But on to you.

You have been suffering from this illness for some time, but have you seen a proffessional in tnat time? A GP you trust, a psychologist or counsellor? 

Aside from professional supports, do you live with someone, a friend, or family? It can be daunting to tell this to anyone, I know. Most people just don't understand, even if they try. Up on top of this site, under the resources there are some free information sheets for family and friends. Is there a friend you trust, who If you gave that info you might be able to talk to? Maybe they could come with you to a GP appointment. 

I don't want to pester you with questions so I'll leave this here and hope you post back soon. If the answers are all no, don't worry there are more things we can do to help, and just knowing that someone else is suffering like you can help ease the pain, let you know you aren't alone.

Hope to hear back from you soon, 

GA

P.S:  I almost forgot, I love cats. They are my saviour and at the moment the centre of my world. I have two myself, the smaller of which you can see in my profile pic. How many do you have?