What was your outcome?

Needhugsx

Good evening x

25yr relationship with my husband and 20 years married with 17 and 18 -year-old teen boys.

High functioning corporate husband who will refuse professional help so this is not an option.

For 2 years he has been going a bit downhill with depression with the last 12 months being the hardest. December 2025 he started to spend more nights away from home, zero contact and I retaliated, thinking the worst, lots of questions, texts etc. all the things I shouldn't have done. But I have learned, studied and now understand how his head feels. For the last 4 months he stays closer to work, easy commute because he lost his license because of reckless driving (another symptom). I understand this and he comes back here once per week. It's hard, I am managing, I miss him but I know he needs peace.

He has been my best friend, the kindest soul but he is really stuck and the best I can do is text him, " good morning, I hope you have an amazing day" etc. It's hard getting no replies and the last time he phoned me was over a month ago and before that would have been a couple of months. I'm getting used to it but I miss his voice,his touch, He's compliments and his company. I am 12mths perimenopause so it's perfect timing but I have brushed it aside and have to cop it. I don't get angry, I just get sad.

Recently I have been dreaming and thinking about what it would be like to start dating and having attention from other men that could give me more than what I'm getting now. But then I snap out of it and think that I could never do that to my husband. All I'm doing is protecting him and making sure I don't hurt him. He's starting to say things like, " if we ever moved on from each other, would I always be welcome to come over and be a part of your lives etc?. Of course I say yes, but now I've realized he just needs validation that I'm not going to abandon him. I never will, I'll never ask you anything for me because he has given me the best 25 years of my life.

I think what I am asking, without professional help, are there any couples that have or can come out of this the same as what it used to be, or better. I'm constantly reading the bad side, the unsuccessful stories, women who walk away who don't understand....

But I really want to read some good stories just to pick me up a little bit.

He trains hard at the gym, he manages to work everyday In a management corporate role, highly intelligent but I know he is masking when he comes here.

Thank you

therising

The warmest of welcomes to you at a time where you're questioning so much. I feel so deeply for you.

I think the only way a relationship can come out the other side of a transitional stage, stronger and healthier, is if both in the relationship reform themselves in different ways. How that looks will of course depend on those people as individuals and as a couple. If there are kids involved, it can also include how the family dynamic is reformed.

For one out of the couple to reform themself, their expectations, their lifestyle, their ways of thinking/perception, their behaviour etc while the other does what's easiest for them typically won't work. I say this based on my own experience, having been married to the same guy for 23 years. We don't have the most conventional relationship but it still works to some degree. I live in the house with our 2 kids (in their early 20s) and my husband lives in the granny flat in the back yard. Btw, it's always been his much loved 'man cave'. Just want to make it clear he's not suffering too much.

I think it's not until we're forced to face certain challenges that we rise to meet them. If one in the relationship is constantly rising to meet the challenges involved in personal transformation and/or relationship transformation and the other is not wanting to face those challenges, there's only one in the relationship doing the hard work required for constructive change. If we say 'I'll do whatever it takes' but our partner is saying 'Nup, can't do that, that's just not me', it's one sided. If we say 'I'm willing to face a lot of the hard stuff' but our partner's saying 'I can't do that. This is what's easiest for me', it's one sided. If we say 'I'm prepared to do a lot of self questioning, a lot of soul searching, a lot of what it takes to better understand myself' but our partner announces 'I'm not into all that s**t', it's one sided. Personally, I've found that doing all the personal growth stuff is what can lead to outgrowing a person. You're technically not growing together at a similar rate. While we're facing change and growth, our partner's still facing avoidance. I accommodated my husband's avoidance for years, without actually realising it. I reformed myself to be able to manage it and actually lost parts of myself along the way, parts I'm now redeveloping.

By no means (at all) am I suggesting your husband's life is easy, especially while facing depression. I'm very familiar with the challenges of depression. There does come a time where there's a need to face what's depressing, instead of choosing what feels easiest while in a depression. If we don't face it, it's typically the people around us who suffer in certain ways. At the moment, you're suffering while your husband chooses to live separately from you and the kids because that's what's easier for him.