What to do when people say things like this

Earth Girl

My parents say really racist things. My Mum often says things like "Those Asian people" "A police officer was chasing an Asian man because... and then the Asian man..." "There's this Asian woman on this show who I don't really trust... I think it might partly be because she is Asian" "I don't like saying certain sayings like you're welcome because it's very American" "I don't like annoying American accents." (She once also impersonated the way Asian people speak, and she was mumbling when she did it and not even saying any words).

When I was little, since my parents kept talking about how evil Americans are, I thought they must have been really mean people. My Mum was reading us a picture book, and she said, "Typical Americans, they don't know how to draw."

About 5 years ago I think it was, I asked her why she didn't like Americans and she said, "Because they think they are better than us!" I said most of them probably don't think that and she went "Oh yes they do!"

She also says things like "There was a very nice black man at... today" and the other day she said, "Dad and I went for a walk, and there were two men there and one of them was black." When she finished the story, I asked what him being black had to do with anything and she said that she was just talking about his appearance (even though there was no need to). I mean, if I was asking what someone looked like because I was trying to find them then it would be okay to say, "They are tall, have dark skin, etc.", but she'll say that people are black or Asian when there's literally no need to.

My Dad was watching a show and he said "Wow, she's dark haha." Why do they feel the need to say these things!?

I've tried to explain to them that there's no need to say these things and that every culture has nice and not nice people in them and that I've known lots of really nice people who are Asian. But they just get annoyed with me and my Mum says "Fine, I just won't talk to you about this sort of thing then" and I said Well, I've told you before that I don't want to hear it!

My Mum has also told me that she doesn't think that I should worry about being politically correct because it's a waste of time.

I can't cut my parents out for many reasons, but even if I could, they would make me feel bad and say, "We may not be perfect."

Everyone thinks they are so nice, but they have no idea how temperamental they are, and they act very differently outside than they often do inside the house.

Sadie-Eve

Hi Earth Girl,

Sending kind thoughts and best wishes your way.💖

I just wanted to share that I have experienced what you have, in my own family. In my view it can be a generational issue. It is positive and to be celebrated that you yourself don't interpret the world with race at the forefront of your interactions. However, unfortunately this is not often the case for particularly older generations. In my home there is an older family member who also comments on how dark someone's skin is and thinks it is fine to always comment on womens appearances.

I think you should have confidence in your approach and in your views.

As a daughter or son it can be hard to realise that the parents you love have their own issues, biases, problems and unresolved pain. We are used to them being the ones who are always right (particularly when we were younger).

Surround yourself with good friends who are kind and respectful people, continue to educate yourself.

It is hard when people we love hold small-minded views.

All the very best.

Earth Girl

Hi Sadie-Eve, thanks for your support and well wishes. 💓

Yeah, it sounds like it might be sort of like a generational thing and my parents definitely have unresolved pain along with me and my sisters and probably my Grandparents and so on. My parents say some things that are really great, it's just that they also do a lot of hurtful stuff to me and I don't like the way they talk about some races, but it's hard for them to understand since they were brought up when this sort of thing may not have had these things talked about as much as now. I try to get them to understand sometimes while remaining polite, but it might be better to not say anything since after a while, it turns into a bit of an argument.

Thanks so much. 🙂

Psychdiaries2

Hey there,

I understand and relate to your frustration over your family’s prejudices. I also have noticed similar biases that older generations have and often times when I have called my family out on it, they don’t seem to understand. I agree with you that these are racist statements and they are not ok.

I always try to call them out on it, even if they won’t listen. I guess that’s all that you can really do. Explain why that was not ok to say and hope that they’ll question it and change their behaviour. After a while it gets exhausting trying to argue your point across people who don’t care to understand, so I guess there comes a point where it doesn’t seem worth it to keep arguing. It is heartbreaking though to see people have views that are purely racist, but I hope you have friends and other family members who are kinder and more respectful of everyone.

Thanks for sharing. Hope you have a nice new years!