What it feels like to go insane

[Scared]

Been away a while and I dont know where I been.  But my life views have changed dramatically. Depression sufferers are amongst the toughest breeds mankind has ever seen.  The sheer weight we carry and still survive somehow is remarkable.  Its sad we have no strength to communicate this but I am bound with my brothers and sisters for life as we struggle for survival together. Yes I have seen death felt it lived it but I see the beauty in my brothers and sisters and if I could I would protect you all.

Yes my tone has changed as I have relived my hippie days during treatment. A long lost part of me that has been buried for decades.

A hidden aggressive non violent protest for change that I was lost in 40 years ago at the beat if Bob Dylan Neil young at the time of Laurel Canyon and Woodstock.

But I had to die first to get there and lose my mind on the way which was frightening to my core.

They tried to silence the hippie for what reason.  They exercised brotherly love and care for mother earth and natural lifestyles.  Their non conformity towards the way things were going in the 60 70s was about LOVE and PEACE.  And you stamped him out.  Why? Why would you do that.  Manson was never a hippie so dont blame hippies.

So I live in this world eons away from the beauty I was once involved in.  Not being able to tell you here where I go twice a week at hospital is a crime and yes I am anti establishment but not wrecklessly indifferent to things that make society run.  My treatment is out there and I cant tell you.

Thats crazy to the enlightened person because people need information but instead are bombarded by misinformation lies scams gag orders and integrity has become almost a mythical idea from a long lost time.  And all this does matter.  Its our health we fight daily for and it doesnt come cheap and without effort.

Respect to all my brothers and sisters and let your freak flag fly and above all peace in our suffering

[indigo22]

Hello dear Scared,

I am so glad to see you here again, we have been concerned about your welfare, I am relieved you are ok.

I too miss the hippie days, the world seemed less complicated and there was more kinship then. I am glad you have turned a corner with your treatment, you are so deserving of a good life without living in fear constantly.

I have a fairly good idea about the type of treatment you are having and I am pleased to hear it is working for you. I would love to hear about what your life looks like now, are you still living in the apartment that you moved to a few months back. I feel protective of you too, I knew you had the strength to get through all that darkness but you needed to know it too. We have missed your kind words on the forums and hope you will be here as often as you are able (no pressure at all).

You have our support and care always,

indigo 💜

[Scared]

Hello Indigo I have not forgotten you but I know you understand people disappear and go thru stages of isolation and periods of difficulty.

I had to leave my beautiful safe place as they are renovating.  I moved into bad housing at xmas and was in a dark place.

Police and psychotic users are regular visitors and its not a healthy place to be.

But there has been some change in me.

I have become a voice for my right to live in safety and health.  Im sharp in my debate and counter when Im fed bullshit with fast verbal precise defense skills.

This is something I had long ago and I remind myself that its a bit like the late John Lennon was like in his tone and sharpness. Not that I try to emulate him.

Im defending myself more especially advocate against injustice for myself and others.

This is a huge change for me to be able to stand up for myself where for so long I was a passive witness to the world bulldozing over me.  During treatment today Bob Dylan showed me such power behind his lyrics almost spoiling for the fight.  I didnt choose the hippie memory it just came to me on my first injection and I felt so safe so I always head there during treatment.

I have so much more love for my brothers and sisters as a result.

Today Bob Dylan and Neil Young were on the chair at the New world order Government steering mankind towards a brighter world future.  I was like WOW man we are all going to be safe now.

There are times I get very scared when treatment goes down the wrong path but I do my best to ground myself and get back to Woodstock to calm down again.

To witness your own death during treatment redefines the urgency in ones own life that words cannot ever come close to explaining.

Yes the treatment can be heavy and I feel for all the 1 st timers who never did all the fun mind expanding things we hippies did in Nimbin and Mullumbimby and Byron back when it was only a quiet little town. I used to always challenge the establishment and its refreshing to have the mental energy to do that.

Its the love and vitality I feel going back to my hippie ideals of the late 70s is where I feel healing is taking place.

Im still not well but far from where I started when I 1st joined BB.

I read some my posts and I cried so much for that poor man who wrote them.

Im not a bad man and I deserve some relief as I worked hard for it.

Altho there is no way possible to prepare someone for treatment I would recommend it to everyone.

I think you guessed right what treatment is.  Glad you still around and I have a big hug for my sister Indigo.

[Croix]

Dear Scared~

I'd like to join Indigo in saying how pleased I am to hear from you, particularly as you seem to have found a safe place to go to in your mind. You sound happier and more determined.

The music of the 60's was basically anti-establishment hope, and pointed out the  problems in the world to be overcome. I'm hoping the treatment is giving you a fresh start with a voice to point out the problems you have and a sense of community with  others who suffer depression.

It is a real pity your accommodation is the pits, I hope it is not permanent and you get something better.

I too have a place to go in my mind when things are bad, and that is not the same, it is a sort of music though, the settings of a sward of grass beside the sea, listening to the waves and gulls and feeling the wind and rain.

If the old you has passed and the new you is happier I'm glad

Croix

[Scared]

Hi and thx Croix.

Accommodation is bad and I find it easy to dwell on it.

But I need to see a silver lining to it.

I can argue my concerns with it and put up a sharp debate on the fact that men are expected to handle fears and unsafe environments but if it was a woman or their daughter living here then see how things change for the better in a hurry.

So to be able to point out the facts that men dont have the same right to health and safety as women do in these environments is a win for me to be able just to string the words together in the 

1st place.  So when the establishment is met with my questions of course they have no answer for their sexist position on men. 
This is far better than just getting angry and self pity that I did in the past.

In short im rewiring my brain thru neuro plasticity to see the positive and man its hard relentless work.

But my treatment turns your brain to putty so I make hay while the brain is pliable and rewire the neuro pathways.

Treatment does not come with a manual and I believe would be more effective if you had a therapist to help.

Im making it up as I go along using all the knowledge I gained from my own research over the years.

So seeing a silver lining in everything i can whether the outcome is what I want or not can only reinforce the neuro pathways to be stronger to see the positive side.

Im only going by what my gut instinct tells me to do.

So the world is on notice that things are not going well since I been gone.

This is not their world

Its OUR world that means all BB too

[Scared]

I just noticed my user name " scared"

Man I was terrified back then with monsters coming for me if I dared nod off to sleep.  Now I understand why I chose that name

[therising]

Hi Scared

As so much in you is coming to life or coming back to life bit by bit, your sense of liberation through those parts of you is inspiring. Sometimes it can take years to make greater sense of why certain facets of us ceased to be exercised. Meeting with them again is like meeting with an old friend and incredible guide in life. When certain facets are recongised as being our greatest guides, the thought can become 'No wonder I have felt so lost for so long, without them'. 

Perhaps one of the most liberating parts of ourself is the intolerant part, a part that recognised and felt injustice when we were young. While it is one thing to be taught to master that part of us and educate us out of being driven to full blown tantrums, it is another to be conditioned to completely suppress it. With complete suppression, there is no sense of drive toward justice. With complete suppression, we are taught how to get the most upstanding part of us to take a back seat and not say a word. With it being such a soulful driving force at times, the whole process of suppression can feel soul destroying, that's for sure.

I look forward to hearing more about your liberation.

[Scared]

Thank u the rising.

I began to wonder when I abandoned my ideals and why.

Then I quickly realized STOP.

When is not important. Its important to learn why so a mistake is not repeated but that comes with cost for me personally.  To open up and say honestly hey I lost my way in life and say its ok I found my way back now is so much faster so much less effort and so much healthier living in the now rather than exploring the past and ending up with an answer if something like life just got in the way.

As reflection is a normal and healthy way to be a balanced human it can also lead down a rabbit hole of analysis  I dont know the formula of when to reflect and when not to and I would never dare advise any body on whether to or not.

My gut has to tell me because it holds a huge story board of information I picked up over a life time. Instinct. Which cant be taught.  
Im also mindful that my brain is capable of unleashing suffering of such magnitude that I do fear its power against me. Im a pretty smart guy and all my knowledge I have about the world is pretty much useless facts. I want to stop being right about this or that and just get right with living in mainly ignorant bliss.

I was awesome in debate and thats coming back after dormant for decades but I want to bask in the occasional victory and then let it go so I can enjoy some bliss.  We have all gone thru such suffering and I cry when I think about it.

Im just a soft loving and caring man deep down and I need to learn how valuable I am.

[audiology]

Hey there Scared! Just wantedt to drop a quick comment to say I absolutely love your verbal acuity and as a fellow battler of depression I am glad you've found a treatment that is working for you!

[therising]

Absolutely 100% agree with needing to be careful about going down that rabbit hole. It can be a little like 'I wonder when I began to lose that part of myself. I think it was when I began associating with this person or those people. What are those people like, really? I wonder how they were raised or what influenced them to be the way they are? Why do they trigger me so much?' and so on. With every new question there is a twist or a turn leading to another question and another. While it can be fascinating, hitting on so many revelations, it can also definitely be time consuming and in some cases a time waster when there is living to be done.

Not sure whether you can relate but I've found that when the time is right to explore what needs to be explored (regarding the hard stuff), it'll be presented to us by life in some form. Took me decades to finally work out that this is what some depressing cycles can be about, for me personally. It's like all can be going well and then suddenly there's the feeling of a downshift. While I used to think 'Why can't I always be happy?', these days it's more along the lines of 'Okay, so what's the lesson here? What's depressing or potentially depressing that I need to address?'. When finally I hit on it, it's like 'Aha!' and I cycle back out into newfound wisdom or bliss or something along those lines. I used to think the cycles were like going 'round and 'round and never being able to fully escape the threat of depression but I've found it more so about naturally cycling upwards.  You could say that in one full revolution or cycle, there is a sense of evolution. The hardest part is being or feeling stuck in the depressing part of that cycle with us not yet having moved through to its completion (the point at which we gain what we need to, in order to evolve and graduate into the next cycle).