I have a huge problem and there's no way out of it, it's a big long hot mess of a problem and for years I've been trying to think a way out of it but every time I think I've got a way out it blows up in my face. I used to be such a happy person, even though my life has been way worse than it is right now even then I was happy in general. But this problem has just destroyed me. I never knew I could be so disabled by something.
now I spend hours each day and night crying and I've thought about ending it almost every day for over a year.
No one knows though, In fact most people probably think I'm fairly happy, and on the rare occasions I'm around other people i do usually feel a little better. But I can't go out much and that never used to bother me. Wish I could go back to how I used to be.
One night I came close to doing it.. well close-ish, I thought about doing it that night rather than just someday soon, but I didn't actually attempt or anything, and I wished I had someone to talk to, someone to tell me that there IS a way out, but I would
fall apart the second I tried to talk about it, I HATE crying in front of people, yet I do it so easily, god it's so annoying, I'm never going to have the guts to call one of those hotlines, I just find it too embarrassing even though I know they've heard it all before, it's also why I most certainly couldn't talk to someone I KNOW .. That would be even more humiliating. I'd almost rather leave this earth than talk about itt to someone yet at the same time I want to so very badly.
Theres one thing that keeps me here, it's my dog. That's probably pretty disturbing to hear if you know that I have two children, but honestly I wouldn't be worried about them, they'll miss me I know, but they'll be taken care of and they'll get over it. But my dog who is on my lap almost all day, who follows me about the house as I do my stuff, she would just never get over it. And I'm lucky I have her I guess. She keeps me alive.
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