This internal struggle is so dark and scary

[still_hopeful]

Been struggling with anxiety and bouts of depression the past 9 months.

I was having mild panic attacks in meetings at work - nauseous, couldn't think straight or do public speaking. I was dizzy and would just freak out. Often I'd fake being 'sick' and explain my feeling off / nervousness by saying I was unwell. The prospect of a meeting brought on so much dread. Had some social anxiety, even with my best mates. I just felt off. Like a glass wall was between them and myself and I couldn't get through it. I couldn't be myself. I was seeing my pysch weekly over the past few months and then started on a low dose of medication. Had some side effects  - headaches, inability to concentrate, drowsiness and occasional thoughts of suicide. Have been on that for over a month and it was slowly wearing off and I was feeling more anxious and have up'd my dose  as per GP rec's. It's made me really irritable, depressed and I even lashed out at my ex partner last night and felt so terrible.

This week I've had two nights where I have woken up in an absolute panic. Terror. So much anxiety and sadness. I can't stop crying. I've had to take the whole week off work. It's almost 4pm and I still haven't gotten out of bed this hasn't happened to me before like this ever. I have been lying here crying all day - feeling so alone and sad. Even though I have been reaching out to amazing friends who are there. I'm so lucky in lots of ways. But all I can think about is ending my own life. 

 This is so hard. I feel like a burden on my friends and workplace. I don't like my job and need to change. I'm not sure what to do. Take time off? How on earth do you get better? Should I stop giving the medication a go - it was working for a couple of weeks once the initial side-effects wore off... and I finally remembered what it was like to feel normal again. My life just feels so empty. I'm single. 30. A young woman with a great job. But I don't know where I'm going and what I want. I know my problems are petty compared to others doing it so much more tough - but this internal struggle is so dark and scary. I just want out. I wish it would go away.

 Does it get better? How does one break through the glass wall? Do

suicidal thoughts wane? They scare me.

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.
 

[White_Rose]

Dear Still Hopeful

Welcome to BB and I hope we can help you. You are in such a dark place and doing it alone is tough. There are people here who have been where you are and survived. Hold on to that thought. It may not feel like much now but it can be a beacon for you.

If the ADs are not helping and are making you feel more unwell I suggest you go back to the GP and discuss it immediately. No good staying on drugs that make you feel worse.

Night time panics are fairly common. I have had some humdingers in my time and it is truly awful. Sometimes I have been so terrified that I have called an ambulance for help. I know what is happening to me but it does not reassure me. You need help and the paramedics are fantastic.

Have you talked to your doctor about time off work? It may be a good thing for you and let you become more calm as the ADs kick in properly. I realise though that financially this may not be an option.

Staying bed is not a sin. There are times when getting up to go to the bathroom is the limit of your strength. Let yourself rest. Depression is an exhausting illness. Can you watch TV in your room or do anything else? I used to wheel the TV in and lie in bed and watch videos (shows my age). If I fell asleep it didn't matter and it helped to keep my mind away from those other horrible thoughts.

Does anyone at work know about your illness? You could do with a support person there, someone who could keep an eye on you and who you could talk to when things get difficult.

Are you seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist. If a psychiatrist he/she can give you a medical certificate for work.

The psychologist I see told me that thinking about suicide is a way of being in control. It is the only thing I am in control of and can decide to do or not. Everything else is up to other people. That's one of the reasons we think about suicide. Sounds odd I know but sometimes thinking about it can help us to stay safe.Don't be too scared about it. Thinking and doing are two different things. Thinking is OK. If you feel you are going to do something then phone an ambulance for help immediately.

Apart from that, accept it is part of your illness, just like having a high temperature, having some aches and pains or spots. Once you start stressing everything gets out of proportion and you feel worse. Decide who you are going to call for help if you need it and then let the fear go.

I just exceeded my word limit and had to delete some of my post. Hope you get back to us.

LING

[SubduedBlues]

Still_Hopeful

Why hello there. I sure would like to give you a hug right now. I think it would do us both some good. 

The good news is that the self harm thoughts scare you. To me that means you are more afraid of death than life. My grandma always said the easiest way to find solutions to your problems is to listen to other people's problems and help them solve theirs. 

I think this act of kindness and charity gives us purpose,  and a reason to go on. 

If it ever gets too much, you're always welcome to join me under my rock. We can sit and talj until we both feel better.

D'

[freemefrommydemons]

Hey stillhopeful! 
Well as your name suggests, dont give up hope! Often medication does have those kind of side effects, such as increased anxiety levels and increased suicidality. However once your body gets use to the increased dosage I do think it will begin to wear off again! Dont give up. As for the glass wall, I completely understand that. Sitting around friends, but your not sure how to interact with them, and even though your surrounded by people you just feel so alone, but what you have to do is challenge the thoughts! Its a craz hard thing to do, but with the right help it is possible. For example 'I may feel lost, and dark inside but I know that it is possible to overcome this. I deserve freedom and happiness and it is possible to feel like my old self again' 
Keep us updated, keep strong and never give up! xx

[geoff]

dear Still_hopeful, I would just like to return you to page 1 as I want to reply to you, but I have to leave the site as I have a doctors appointment this morning, but have to take someone shopping first.

Stay as strong as you can, I know it's not easy, but will reply again. Geoff.