What am i going to do??

[mjm]

Where do I start? Basically, I've been engaged now for 1 year to my Partner.The wedding is this December and i'm absolutely scared. Some days whilst at work I will be happy and grateful that I have such a loving partner and then the next day, part me will say "get out!! leave her! If you marry her, you'll be a slave for the rest of your life!"We've been together for 5 years. I love her soo much but she does have pretty damaging traits. She is a control freak. It comes from her high anxiety. But still her bossiness is very hard for me to deal with. She loves to plan each and every thing that happens whilst I love to go with the flow. I feel like I can't even have one weekend that isn't scheduled.We're currently going through all the wedding preparations, its so heartbreaking because I'm not sure if I can go through with it.My dream has always been to backpack asia for 1 year on my own. Then return to Australia and live in a hippy commune. Part of me wants to go away from this world that I live in, Sydney. People seem so stressed and unhappy. Im one of them. Im sick of this life of working my butt off so I can buy another fancy table that I hate, but because my soon-to-be-wife "needs one". I hate pretending to be this educated yuppy that she wants me to be. I'm not, i'm a laid back, chilled guy. I hate materialism. Part of me says stay with her. We've had some amazing times over the past 5 years.I left my great and stable job of 3 years 1 year ago. When I left that job i thought i'd progress to the next challenge. No..no such job ever came, I've been doing odd jobs ever since. I wonder is it my partner that i really want to leave, or am I just really unhappy with my life in general?Why did I propose to her in the first place if I didn't want her to be wife?I've been seeing a shrink lately,but she won't give me an answer. I need to know, do I stay with her and risk being a slave husband? or do I leave her into the big bad world again? Ive my partner told her that I'm having doubts a few times since my doubts arose (3 months ago). She was broken,which was so so hard for me to see. She said last week, she needs an answer now as I can't keep waiting for an answer but I don't have one! My dad says go with your gut feeling but I'm not thinking straight at the moment.My gut feeling changes daily.The big bad world for me is not a good place at all. I hate loneliness. I've suffered from depression and anxiety now for roughly 8 years.Please help!

[Doolhof]

Hi MJM,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thanks for your post.

I'm sorry to read you have found yourself in this situation. It is a difficult one for sure. I ended up marrying a guy I didn't really love all that much, it just seemed convenient at the time.

The guy I really wanted to be with was the other side of the country and seemed too wrapped up in his career to realise how much I loved him, and only declared his love for me after I was married!

We are still together after nearly 30 years of marriage. We both suffer from depression, anxiety and stress! Would we have been better off if we had travelled a different road and been with other people? I don't know. The "What if's" in life can haunt you.

You are in a situation that you can have some control over. If you feel like this lady is going to control your life, do you really want to go through with the wedding?

Can you try to organise some couples counselling before the wedding? Trying to sort things out by yourselves is not always that easy to do, with another trained person present it is a lot easier.

Maybe you could get out pen and paper and write down the pros and cons of getting married to this lady.

Is there a chance you can get away for a weekend by yourself to think things through? Have another chat with your Dad, your Dr. a counsellor. Only you can make the decision.

Do you have an opportunity to leave Sydney, to live and work some where outside of a huge city? Would your partner be willing to move?

Sometimes compromise works, but you don't want to feel like a doormat in your relationship. I suggest you try to have a very open chat with your lady and lay all your cards on the table so to speak.

Maybe you do need to go off and do the things you feel you need to do before you consider marriage.

We can always move forwards, but we can't go back.

I try to make the most of every day and all that I have. I often wonder how my life could have been different, but that only causes pain and disappointment.

Hope some of this has helped.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi again,

I was just reading another post by Nlpreece called "Waking up in the middle of the night".

You two have similar but slightly different stories. Maybe you could read her post, contact her and share ideas on how to sort out your problems.

From Mrs. Dools

[Neil_1]

Hi there mjm

Firstly welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post.

Wowee, a very tricky situation you’ve got happening here.

Of course, all we can do here (as all fellow sufferers of mental illnesses) is to chat with you and possibly ask questions, etc  -  but as to advise and put forward our suggestions as to your future, well I’m sure you’ll agree that we can’t do that;  well this is my thought anyway, this is one of the biggest decisions that you’ll face for a while.

Do you feel there’s “give and take” in your relationship?   You say she’s very controlling, but is that perhaps because of your laid-back nature and so she simply gets in there and gets things done.  You say you can’t get a weekend that isn’t scheduled – does that mean that you don’t get any “mjm time” (that’s any ‘me time’)??  Ie:  do you have things that you enjoy – sporting, hobbies, otherwise that you actually can go and do?   Does she stop you doing these?    And in turn, does she have her things she enjoys and that she can go and do??

Give and take – do you think she’d be at all interested in going to Asia with you?   Ok, perhaps not backpacking, but some kind of alternative trip?

Have you tried writing down on paper something that has two columns:   pro’s on one side and con’s on the other side and then proceed to write down points regarding your partner.

Another question – are you currently living together?   I ask this as if you are already, then really all that’s going to change is you’re going to have a piece of paper to announce the fact, you’ll end up with 3 or 4 toasters from wedding gifts and the amount of sex had will drop off (ok ok, I said that to just lighten up the moment – you know, about the toasters!)  🙂

It’s also interesting that you label ‘the big bad world’ like that – is that more being said due to your own depression and anxiety that you have and that possibly it’s not such a bad world out there after all??

I’d love to write more, but at this point in time, I’ll send this off and really do look forward to hearing back from you.

Kind regards

Neil