Well I'm here, whatever.

[Silent_Bob]

Not sure where to begin exactly.
But you can only ever start somewhere right?
Hey, My name is Harley.
I am 20 years of age.
I guess my heads been like this since I was around the age of 15, Not to say that I wasn't already a little depressed now and then since I was like 9, but I only ever caught onto the whole thing due to my school life, regardless where i went to school i seemed to have trouble fitting in, I'm just the kind of person that keeps everything to myself, probably due to me never wanting to interrupt my parents since i was young.
Never had a problem with my parent s or anything though, was just quiet, tense, shy, and i always daydreamed.
It would seem i drifted away from everyone over my life. and school never helped. i was just the guy who didn't know how to fit it and became a loner, got beat up on from time to time and i never had the will to throw a punch back at anyone, still haven't, 
never really cried much over stuff, just seemed pointless.
I usually just stayed in a routine to avoid any trouble from anyone, even at home.
Life just stayed like that for years, moved every now and then which never helped.
My personality is seemingly quiet, until you become someone i know.
i get to be outrageous because its always like its been ages since ive seen the person.
that part of me aslo lead me into being clingy and over protective at times during relationships.
strangely enough the only reason i ever began dating was because of when my depression started.
i spoke to a school counsellor one day and asked if there was anything she could do for me.
A few weeks later she contacted me and told me about a camp wiht the reach foundation.
she signed me up and happily went along with it not to say i wasnt scared though.
but it started off well when i arrived at it all.
got out a lot of my emotions back then, was just buildup from growing up.
met a girl there and hung out, then ended up dating for about two months then never really spoke to her again.
Two more years pass and i im back to where i started and then some, grades dropped and was informed i might get kicked out, so i fixed that enough to pass then got told i would get a scholarship into year 11 for most improvement of the year.
went to year 11 with the scholarship and did nothing, dropped out half way through the year.
never wanted to be near the place again, probably the only thing i regret now.
thats when everything went downhill for me, never looked for work, start hanging around city kids, never did anything illegal though, went in and out of relationships, 3 a year or so, all only lasting to about 3 months and no further, never really pointed anyone out as a friend just people i knew. had a mate in my area  that started hanging around with me, that recently ended.
but he never really helped me with anything just made it easier for me to get out and do stuff.
now up to when i was 18, had a major problem with a relationship and sent me way downhill mentally.
ended that and tried to erase all possible contact, left everyone i knew just stayed home, only ever went out to see my mate and look for work.
routined that up until it ended, i have a job now but no friends, no social life and no self esteem.
all i do now is watch anime and work now. my head over the whole period has just been focused on why im sad and why no one can help me, i try and open up but its always too much effort and stress at times.
this is one of those rare times now, i just feel as though it's a duty to myself to try atleast.
plus i've been watching one piece and i've nearly finished the 620 episodes.
i have a big movie collection, but all DVD and VHS.

so thats just the short side of it all.
and i don't know what to do with any of it.
plus im in one of my moods where im just neutral so it doesnt really express how it effects me as much.
but, yeah im just starting to freak out because i dont want to become someone who doesnt have an interest in life and shuts out. i'm already doing it now and thats bad enough. i want to enjoy my years and get the most out of life. but im just too caught up on worrying about how much my life sucks which is whats causing it.
so blegh..

i just need to know what to do.


and sorry, gave up on the grammar along the way.(usually don't)

[Chris_B]

Hey Silent Bob,

Welcome to the forums.  It sounds like you've been able to maintain friendships at different points during your life, taking one step at a time to rebuild that would help you feel like isolated.

Joining online communities can be a great first way to reach out and build up social and communication skills that you feel you may have lost during your low periods.  There are lots of people interested in anime, perhaps seeing if there are some interest groups in your area that meet up could be a start?  If you're into movies, film societies and groups are great as well.

In some ways, your anxiety over feeling isolation is a good thing; it shows that you do have a desire to do something about it.  

Does anyone else have suggestions for Silent Bob?

best
CB

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Online Community Manager