Feeling so lonely.

[Carlyrm]

Hi I've posted before about being long term unemployed. 
I'm now employed but sometimes my depression does arise so I do realise being unemployed was not the complete root of my problem. I work full time and don't have time to go back to my psych and as soon as we break for the end of the year I'll go back when I can. Sometimes, even day after day I'll feel like I'm about to have some sort of breakdown it will make me feel dizzy and breathless (though I'm not sure it could also be something that is physical too I should go back to my gp also) I think if I still feel awful by lunch I'll leave. But I never do because I don't know what I'd do when I'd get home, I'm really at a loss with that so I stay and usually the tense/sickly feeling is eased a bit by powering through work. It could also be hormonal too. It's a christmas casual job that may or may not be continued into the new year I heard most people end up staying I wouldn't mind staying because the people that work there are great and so caring - nice to deal with after I've been mucked around by employers most of this year from being unemployed. I have worried that I may not stay it gets me depressed and worry no one really likes me. I begin to think of my ex partner who broke up with me and how much I feel anger but also a lot of love still for him and that hurts too. He has been the only person who has really stuck by me during this rough year apart from my family, other friends have rapidly dropped off and I've given up on constantly trying to "catch up" I felt so isolated this year and still do. I don't have a social life and dread weekends, I like it because I can do gardening/hang out with my cat and see some of my family but that's about it. I can't remember the last time a friend text me or called me. I do feel very lonely but most days try to ignore that fact perhaps that's denial. I used to be quite sociable and have lost some confidence in that area but have no problem talking to people and meeting new people I'm just not sure where to start. I feel myself safe at work most of the time but feel uneasy during the weekends like something is missing in my life. I go through phases where I cry a lot and feel quite overwhelmed, I don't know who exactly to talk to talking to my mum helps but feel I can't tell her everything my ex partner was like my best friend but they're quite busy at the moment. I feel isolated at times it really gets to me. I'm not entirely sure what to do.

[Beetle]

HI Carlyrm

Congratulation to having found a job! Well done.

pad yourself on the shoulder that is a major archievement! :)You sound very down and lonely and i hear that you are isolating yourself too since you have given up on catching up with friends. I dont know how long you have been diagnosed with depression, but it looks like you should go back to your psych. GP or both to see if they can help you with this bad patch. You sound like you really see yourself in the worst possible light, wheras i am sure that you are a very nice and loveable person.I felt like this when my depression hit me.I had to see my GP to get meds and also have counceling. Its hard with working fulltime and gettting to your appointments, but please try to make space for them. Because you sound like u r at the end with your strenght. Try to ask for an afternoon off and schedule your GP psych appointment into that afternooon to get some help.You cant struggle through this on your own.I called lifeline nearly daily when i was down and beyound blue. please do that to get some clarity.

And please let us know whats happening. You are not alone. Just post and we listen to you 🙂

Beetle

[Carlyrm]

Thanks Beetle
I have been diagnosed since August but I think it's been a lot longer than that. I'd really like to go back asap, I finish after early December hopefully I'm able to get an appointment in that time - it can be a long time to wait for help and that's what has bugged me before. I'm not sure how I can ease myself back into socialising when I have been out I've gone out alone and left alone and it's upset me and I often feel worse by going out than before. Working helps to serve as motivation and also a distraction but can't help but wonder whether I'm dealing with things properly or whether I have to just ride through it and I'm overreacting. I feel really confused and would rather not add medication to the mix, I'm already eating much healthier and stopped drinking alcohol so I do feel somewhat better. Just very up and down. I'll just wait it out in between now and then.