struggling to find reasons to be here

[will85a]

i was diagnosed with depression when i was 13, recently been diagnosed with a chronic depressive disorder, anxiety, PTSD, cluster b personality traits, poor impulse control from a brain injury caused by a car accident which was a suicide attempt 6 years ago. since then i have tried several times to end my pain. recently my 3 year relationship broke down, we no longer talk, my family want nothing to do with me, i have no friends, so i am truly alone. i have no job, the injuries i suffered in my car accident limit what i can do, and employers see me as a liablity because of them. i have a cat and 2 dogs, i know they will be looked after when i finally succeed in ending my life. i'm struggling to find reasons to stay,  have nothing and noone. most girls i meet are grossed out by my burn scars from the accident. 

[BennyBoy]

Hi Will85a,

I see you have found allot of bads and not many goods that's ok, after all how can you know if you want a change in life unless you notice things are wrong 🙂

Buddhists believe you will never be truly alone you always have yourself. Sounds strange I know but you can be the happiest or saddest man being alone... Its going to be hard if you don't love the person you are talking to.

Thus!! in my onion the best way to love yourself(the person you talk to inside) is to show love and compassion to others.

If you don't want to be physically alone you have many options to find kind heart people. for example; (I have to say this one first :D) Join a Buddhist temple, Join a church, interest group like a board game club. Ooo try volunteering that shows love AND you meet people win win!! 🙂 

Last of all I want to say don't expect yourself to be a certain way. Doing that is like a Chinese finger trap the harder you try to fight it the tighter it gets.

I know you will find some peace soon,

Thanks Ben.

[Carlyrm]

Are you seeing a psych on a regular basis? I know it's helped me when I have had hardly any support from friends - someone outside of life can really help just to offer support. How about employment agencies? Have they assisted you in anyway? If not they should I know centrelink is hell to deal with and it's incredibly hard to find a job no matter what your situation and experience. While I can't relate to your situation entirely I've been through terrifying experiences that lead me to risky behaviour which may have lead onto injuries making my emotional/mental state immensely worse. This sounds like it's happened to you, don't let the fear and disease of depression and anxiety win you over. Think of all the people who you haven't met yet who will become good friends and positive opportunities ahead. Once you have ended your life there's no going back, you will devastate some people who do value you - that's a fact. Women who have showed some interest in you and then reject you for your scars aren't worth the energy getting upset over - they're immature and don't accept you as you are and you wouldn't want to settle for less. I hope you get better, you deserve the best.

[geoff]

dear Will, the result of any brain injury always has an everlasting effect, training can improve it slightly, but long term it's always there.

I can relate to your injuries as my brain injury has effected me as well.

There are some girls who can look passed the scars and take you as a person, someone who needs some love and affection, because in the long run it's the personality that counts, and I realise that you are struggling to find this at the moment, and I can empathise for you.

Having depression for a long time is an illness that we always seem to ignore, or maybe it's denial, hoping that it would just go away, but it never does, unless we seek professional help, and from what you have said, I'm not sure that this was done, but you can't be blamed for this, because most of the time we don't want to face the facts that we do actually have depression.

You are so alone and saddened by all of what has happened, and it's a shame we can't sit down together and get to know each other.

Can I ask you if you are having any therapy and please Will can you get back to me. Geoff.

[vip]

Hi Will with my suicide event 3 yrs ago i have a lage scar down my spine two holes on both sides of my hips where they put a metal bar to hold my lower body up so im a bit of a mess too but my husband is not bothered by it so somebody that cares for you will get past your burns dont worry too much about it.Could you try volunteer work like in a nursing home or hospital ect burns units or something that would see you helping others and on the plus side lift your confidence up thats actually what i started doing before i found a job and found it was the best thing. You just need to start your life over again i hope you have a good psych who can help you out here if i can do it Will you can too yes very traumatising what we have been through but use this experience to make you stronger thank your lucky stars your here and start that new life. Let me know how you go take care. x

[Chris_B]

Hi Will,

Thanks for joining the forums. It's concerning to hear you talking about suicide as if it's inevitable.

Suicdality, I feel, can be like a brain-eating cancer.  It does not pay attention to the life situation of the person it latches onto, it is a form of severe depression that ingeniously works with your psyche to distort thoughts.  It has one purpose: to subvert the one pre-programmed instinct that is paramount in humans, our desire for self-preservation.

Having experienced suicidal thoughts, I recognise from your post something that I have done many times that is frightening: having a "logical" discussion with yourself about why it all makes perfect sense to leave this earth.  

When those thoughts get hold of you, you can need an emergency back-up plan: firstly, a level of self-awareness that recognises you are no longer in control of your brain and that you need to seek help.  Please use the beyondblue support line on 1300 22 4636 for when you're on your own and you feel these thoughts are getting overwhelming.

In the long term, it's about building a support system around you.  It's tough right now, I'm sorry about your relationship ending as it sounds like your girlfriend was the main source of support in your life.  Building back up a network of good friends is a great start, and maintaining those friendships when you get back into a relationship again - which I am sure you will.  

As others have asked, it'd be good to know if you have some psychological support happening with the multitude of stresses you have going on right now.

So glad you've found us here and hope you'll continue to post.

best
CB

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Online Community Manager