Hi, I have been suffering depression for almost 2 decades, i'm 35 and
feeling low self worth. I lost my older sister and her husband in a car
accident in 1993 and i was 14 Years old... throughout high school was
not good, kept to myself. I've progres...
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Hi, I have been suffering depression for almost 2 decades, i'm 35 and
feeling low self worth. I lost my older sister and her husband in a car
accident in 1993 and i was 14 Years old... throughout high school was
not good, kept to myself. I've progressed in studying to advance myself
in life, however just feel that I don't want to be here. I've worked
very hard to try and be in a better place, have travelled and lived
abroad, but still no happiness can help me in my situation. I have
returned from living in Europe 2 years ago and since I've been back...
have only worked 8 months and now have been unemployed for a year which
has triggered a big portion of depression that has made me weak and
unmotivated to do anything really.... My health has been on the
decline... I keep to myself because I can't trust anyone.... feeling
very isolated and socially afraid.... So i lock myself in my room and
try to minimise my interaction with people. Since not working for a
year... I'm suffering also from Anxiety, sleep apnea, insomnia, stressed
and feeling that low. I don't have a family... I've been single for a
decade as I don't trust people to be close as fear of people being
dishonest and I can read people so easily because I find a conclusion in
anything that is negative. So in that, I don't have much to lose. I
rather a person who has a family and a job to continue living than me
having nothing. I have thought about doing the inevitable, but because
my health has had a rapid decline, I guess I'm slowly withering away.
But that doesn't worry me. I'm here to write about my story as having
someone that was so close to me gone and the only person I could trust,
I have always wanted to know why I'm still here. I think everyday that
I'm worthless, I wake up and I'm still here living, why? I don't know, I
just hope to not wake up. I am speaking with a professional about my
illness but still unmotivated to do anything. I used to exercise, read,
take photography, travel etc, but now I feel that its all a waste of
energy. Talking to someone is maybe ok to get out what I think about
everyday and for what I have endured throughout my teens and 20s, but
not only that I've grown up in a very violent abusive family where mum
and dad punished me for things no child should experience. I'm not a
violent person as because what I have went through as a child has made
me understand that the growing attacks of people in public has made the
offenders resort to this behaviour is most probably the resort of their
upbringing, however in my case, I wouldn't harm others because of how
bad I was violently abused as a child. I constantly think negative about
everything.... I constantly wish bad things happen to me because I grew
up being punished and I don't see the enjoyment of being alive. If I had
mutant powers, its the ability to smell lies of others who speak to me.
Could be a recruitment agent, strangers, some friends. Just have this
feeling of able to read peoples body language to show they say something
and contradict themselves, lie, gain something from me, use me, cheat
etc. This isn't normal I know... maybe the only reason I am able to see
through people is because I'm very honest and direct as I don't sugar
coat anything, but possibly because the constant disappointment I go
through with everyday tasks, fail job opportunities and people like some
of my friends who want to help, say they don't have time for me shows
that my strength in having faith in humanity is dead to me.
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