Feeling Like a Yoyo

[Notmyself]

I haven't been here for a while. 

I'm tired... Tired of feeling like a yo-yo so up and down its unbearable. 

It's hard to grasp that one thing can make all the bad subside for a while, but once that thing also has a bad moment all the feelings come rushing back what feels like 10 fold. 

I try, I really try.... Who have I become! Angry that I wasn't strong enough to be braver or to have the guts to challenge this black dog head on and fight for my right to be happy and less complicated or confused. 

Dreams, Terrors, general feelings of hopelessness surround me daily... Take me away somewhere beautiful and peaceful with none of the stresses of day to day life, oooh wait this dog wont leave my side, maybe we can be friends. 

I recently had a pretty good 2 weeks, it was quite a nice change from crying my self to sleep every night... Felt possibly half normal again..... But one tiny thing takes you from the top of ladder and swings you back down to step one. 

Constantly in battle with my head.... my mind a complete mess. 

Yo-yo's aren't cool any more. 

[Chris_B]

Hi LPaige,

Good to see you back here at a time when you need support.

As someone who lives with depression, I know the yo-yo - and you're right, it is so exhausting.  The hopeless feeling gets made worse when you hit the bottom and think "here again", and wonder if things will get better.  But - and of course its easier to see this when you're better - they always seem to, don't they?

Are you receiving any treatment at the moment, either from a doctor or psychologist?  Even if you are, now would be a good time to revisit what treatment you're receiving to try and stop the yo-yo - like a fairground ride, everyone wants to get off eventually otherwise we just feel sick.

In the meantime, can you think back to that 2-week period recently when you were feeling good - what happened in that fortnight? What were you doing? What are the things that help to lift your mood, who are the people in your life that help support you?

Hope to hear from you soon.

best
CB

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Online Community Manager

[Notmyself]

Hi CB,

Thanks for your reply, its comforting to have people who understand! 

It's so tiring, I feel I'm trying my hardest and keep going backwards!!

The only treatment I currently receive is coming here and the pills I am on, I am meant to go have therapy but it has been hard with my work roster, I work away and things have been really hectic with work lately... Then again I wonder if its simply because I'm not coping the way I should. 

The 2 week period, I know exactly what made me happy and begin to feel half normal, and it was my bf, he and I had recently had some MAJOR issues which lead us to split up, however as complicated as it may seem, he didnt move out, you might get a better understand from previous posts. But we started to mend and enjoy each others company and he had a better understanding and patience as to what I was going through, which to me was reassuring. But one small thing can put me back in square one instantly! And thats where I am now, Away from home, with people I dont really know, just spinning! 

I'm trying to keep focused and knowing im not alone helps. 

Thanks again CB 

LPaige

[geoff]

dear LPaige, nice to hear back from you, but I just wish it would have been in better circumstances.

Whether or not we have faced depression when it comes knocking we can't avoid it, it's too powerful and too dominating, and this even applies to someone who believes that they have overcome this illness, which causes us to have a relapse, and this includes myself, so we can't or don't have the strength to face this dog and push it away.

Once you or me or anyone else has had depression, we are still prone to fall again into the midsts of this illness, because we know the shortfalls, the triggers and the likelihood that it can happen again, so we are easy target.

My new psychologist believes that I am still in depression and suffering from PTSD, so there we go, that's his professional belief.

Working away and feeling as though it's 'hectic' is because as you say ' not coping the way I should', so your depression lingers away dragging behind you still, and god you just wish it would leave permanently.

When we are in a relationship and you have depression it's difficult on both of you, especially the one suffering, but then there are times when all is OK, and that's good, but 'the honeymoon' can't go on forever, and unfortunately we fall back to the way we were.

The opposite person who now believes that since we have had a good two weeks believes that now you have overcome this illness, so they presume that life can go on just like before.

It reminds me of when I first became depressed my ex thought that a few minutes in the bedroom would make me feel better and that my depression would just leave, well it didn't so she became annoyed, and we were back to square one.

I am just wondering whether you have had a period of solitude before, sorry I can't remember, I wish I could, so what I am asking is how long is the down yo-yo compared to the up yo-yo, that is the time when you felt OK and then broke down again. L Geoff. x

[Notmyself]

Hey Geoff, 

Thanks for your reply. 

I am just so up and down its too much for me to handle. And the way I handle situations is also so up and down, 

I react to things in such a way I end up in such a state. 

I'm trying to keep so busy, that I am running out of work to do, so I change the room around at work, or write in my journal but I'm feeling like I can't escape my own head. I want to have a moment of clarity, a free mind, just for a moment. I am so exhausted, I want o go home and lay with my dogs that's when I feel the best

I spend a lot of time on my own. So much time to think which is good and bad. There are times when I love being on my own, and other times I hate it, but even in a room full of people I can feel so alone. 

I just wish the people around me would understand more, or show more respect to the way im feeling, instead of making me out like a crazy person. 

My up's are strange, I can still feel the down, but I can push it aside to let the joy in. And the down well its much longer lasting then the up! I was ok for nearly 2 weeks, although I had some bad days in that time. 

I hope you can make some sort of sense of this!! 

Thanks Geoff. 

[Mbuna]

LPaige

 Geoff and Christopher have given you some good feedback. The only thing i can add that may help is exercise. I know its hard when you are feeling down.  I find it very helpful. I'm not a fit person at all. I'm actually overweight. The exercise still helps me a lot. It does not work for everyone but maybe you want to try it. We all get that yoyo feeling. You are definitely not alone.

[Notmyself]

Hi Mbuna, 

Exercise works great!!! When at home I go to the gym every morning! And it does really help me, but when I'm away for work going to gym is a bit harder, trying to find a car and it can be quite expensive! But I still try to go a couple of times a week at least!!! 

Thanks for your reply. 

[geoff]

dear LPaige, I know that feeling of being in a room full of people but there we are all alone, people don't talk to you, they pass you, bump into you and don't offer anything to you.

The pleasure of dogs who just want a pat, and they just idolise and love you so much, but what I have done and this has been for along time is that I have a fish tank on my desk and when in thought I always look at those little fish swimming around the tank, and I find this to be very therapeutic. L Geoff. x

[Notmyself]

Hi Geoff! 

My dogs oh, I could lay with them for hours and I do, I'm almost sure I annoy them with the amount of love I give them! But its well reciprocated and I know they appreciate me! 

I have a fish tank at home in fact 2 massive ones! Its very relaxing to sit and watch! 

This week I will try to remain positive and strong, It is all just too much at times. 

LPaige

[Mbuna]

Lpaige & Geoff.

I am right with you on the fish thing :-). I have three 6 foot tanks full of them.  I had never really considered them to be that therapeutic. I do love my fish though.

Cheers 🙂