Frustrated, sad and lonely

[SadYoungMan]

I am a 27 year man, who is having real trouble in the everyday aspects of life. When I consider the various symptoms of both depression and anxiety I feel like I have most of them, and have had so for at least 4 years. I find most days I simply cannot see what the point of being here is is - if anything, I feel like a burden on society.

In the distant past, my Mother passed away when I was ten and my Father, Brother and myself did not cope well with this. I have only vague memories of the years following my Mother's fight with cancer, but clear memories of her ordeal in the lead-up to her passing away. Following this, my Father re-married twice and both times we lost our respective family homes and the second time we moved from the area where I grew up (Northern Beaches of Sydney) to a regional area of NSW. I know that I have had significant trust issues and concerns since these events, which has caused me to isolate myself from making friends and leaves me in a position now where I do not really have any.

It was not until I was 26 that I had sex (although I thought it would never happen), and it was with my first - and only - girlfriend; who I met when I was 25 when our respective parents encouraged us to date. Initially, I am not sure that either of us had a strong attraction to one another but we continued to date for 6 months until she decided to move interstate to 'pursue here dreams'. She explained that it was something she 'needed to do alone', but that we could continue dating. By this time I had established quite strong feelings for her and provided support in as many ways as I could (financial, emotional, etc.). Overtime, however, she began treating me in the same way that others do - telling me to wake up to myself, telling me that I was useless and was simply being mean. Being delusional, perhaps simply because I wanted some kind of friendship, I overlooked this and looked forward to her visiting - the last time she did she essentially explained she had no feelings for me and that was the end of it.

I went on a date a few weeks ago with someone I was set up with and became really frustrated with her constantly changing plans to just meet for the first time (I cannot explain why this was so frustrating). On meeting, we talked and found that we had a lot in common and agreed we should meet again. After texting one another for a few days we made a date at a restaurant. Unfortunately, just as I was leaving to meet her I received a text message saving that she 'didn't feel up to it' and I never heard back from her. In discussing my current living situation and explaining that I live at home with my Father (having never moved out), I realised that, like most people, that she found this a major concern/a turn-off/very sad.

This brings me to my current situation. I am currently in the final stages of writing my very boring PhD (which I was supposed to complete years ago), am earning an above average income working 2.5 days a week and have saved a deposit to purchase a home. I have ambitions of owning a home, but feel that I need to support my Father. He owns a retail business which he runs entirely on his own, which he is running using various very large loans and is injecting more money from his home loan into the business every month just to cover the business' expenses. I pay a large 'rent' to my Father, which covers some of his expenses and we share a car; which means I drop him off and pick him up from work every day. As he is in remission following having an operation for Bowel Cancer, I have to run his shop when he has to go for tests and appointments with specialists. I am useless at retail and barely make any sales. I know that if he were to go to hospital for a long period, again, financially it could be the end of us.

I constantly go through bouts of feeling sorry for myself, feeling lonely and isolated, being agitated and frustrated, and very rarely feel like I can see any 'light at the end of the tunnel'. I have no motivation for my studies or work (or even getting out of bed each day) and can hardly ever concentrate (which is hard after being a star student and employee for many years). When I go to work (at the university) everyone is angry with management and many people, including my PhD supervisor, have recently been made redundant. I know that there are very few people being employed after completing a PhD and after submitting more than 100 job applications this year I have not been interviewed/shortlisted for one position (even positions for graduate positions). My current work is also very uncertain. I have also been suffering severe back pain and headaches caused by scoliosis and spent more than $4000 on therapy in the last financial year. I have seen no improvement in the pain and rarely sleep more than a few hours per night. I have also been to many GPs and counsellors and have not found anything helps my mood or pain.

When I think rationally (I have very little emotion, except for anger, frustration and sadness) I feel guilty for not making the most of my talents, opportunities and abilities and this makes me feel worse. When the only person that really seems to have any care for me (my Brother just asks me for money), my Father, says that I am 'impossible to live with', I question what the point is of me even being here at all. I am not enjoying any aspect of life and am only making the life of others worse, when I am around them, so I really cannot see why I should remain on this earth. This just increases my loneliness and isolation. As people say that you cannot make others happy, or love others, without first being happy yourself, I see no hope for me to turn my situation around. I can honestly say that I have no one to talk to and when I try to talk to colleagues (mainly middle-aged people) they give me the impression they simply want me to go away. My work/study supervisors and Father simply tell me to 'get on with it', which I simple cannot.

I am sorry for posting such a long comment, but, even if no one responds I think this is just an outlet for me.

[Chris_B]

Hi SadYoungMan,

Thanks for joining the forums.  There's a lot of hurt, pain, self-blame, guilt in your life now and in the past, I can see why cycling through different counsellors would have been frustrating for you as the feeling of having to start and tell your story all over again can be really daunting.

I think that it's great you've written this out - firstly so you can get it out in the open, but secondly so you can print it out and take it with you to another counsellor or psychologist - I know this hasn't worked for you in the past, but it can take a few goes to find someone who you click with.  I would say your physical health and lack of sleep will be having a huge impact on your mood - can you get a referral to a back specialist rather than a GP?  

It is possible to come out of the tunnel and regain a sense of hope about life, but - and this is the true evil of depression - that it is often impossible to know or feel this while you're in the middle of it.  

Have you tried the website Mood Gym?  https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome (copy and paste the URL) - it's an online cognitive behavioural therapy tool that allows you to go at your own pace and you can return to it whenever you need it.

It sounds like one of the biggest stresses in your life currently is being responsible for looking after not only your father, but his business.  Is there anyone else in the family or extended family that can help out with this?  Can a manager be hired to take over the day-to-day running?  

I've only scratched the surface in addressing some of the points you raise in your post but I hope others in the community will pick up on the rest, and that you will come back and keep sharing with us here.

Please remember our 24/7 support line on 1300 22 4636 and also web chat between 4 and 10pm are available too (via the link at the top right of the page).

best
CB

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Online Community Manager