Weird/Embarassing coping mechanism. Will i ruin my life more by living in fantasy land

[sofaking]

Hey everyone, first time posting here 😛
I think my life objectively sucks i am 17 but may have a future with a 100,000 medical debt, my parents dont accept me for being gay, i go to a christian school, i am socially quiet/lethargic so people probably think im weird. I have some light friendships but i dont have the time for much leisure time because im always stressed if im not working or high.
i have been doing this ever since i was 6, but i still pretend that a cartoon character is my boyfrend, i dont tell anyone the extent he makes me feel, for obvious reasons [he is also um.. inhuman,,, not even an animal, a literal talking object] but when i think of him i dont feel like shit. this is tearing me up. why did god firstly make me a gross homosexual but secondly make me sexually disturbed so i feel loved watching a static projected image of a sexless thing!

do i only do this because i am sick in the head? i was exposed to cartoon porn since the age of 6 [nobody to blame but myself for that one,, literally searched it up all the time, never told my parents that i was looking at gross things because id know theyd kill me] am i making my disease of sexual perversion worse? im not even interested in real people anymore [because they wouldnt want someone like me] but i feel as if i need to stop living in fantasy land with him. i forced myself to lose my virginity with my friend, so i could stop the thought of imagining myself as a 30 year old virgin. 
whats worse is that he actually helps me. last year i stopped smoking pot for a whole week, because i at least had him in my mind. i feel happy drawing him and whenever i watch him i involentarily smile. 

My family isnt that bad, my friends are cool, im not bullied, if i was to complain about anything with my life i would be heard [and then told that jesus loves me]. why must i waste my life away like this

[Croix]

Dear Sofaking~

I understand the things you say but I have rather a different take on them than you do. You blame yourself and frankly I think that is quite wrong. You are in an environment that forces you to blame yourself. I can see if you were a different one then most of your problems would melt away.

Having parents that demand religion and are opposed to people being gay really leaves you with nowhere ot go.

Similarly a school with the same ideas reinforces self blame and inaccurate ideas. It isolates you from love, understanding and no judgment. 

Kids are curios about sex -it is built in. in your case the easiest way to find out was though cartoons. so what is wrong with that?

Isolation, believing you are in some way wrong leads to not looking for human friendship, and if those around you say your perfectly natural state is wrong what are you going to do? A safe cartoon friend is one answer. Probably not ideal, but your choices are limited. I hope in time you have wider choices and have the enjoyment of live friends, while still being secure. You are not diseased or perverted, you are part of a huge section of our society who are gay and eventually you will come to believe this when meeting others like you.

I'm glad the pesron you had sex with was kind, it make a big difference. I'm not glad you have resorted to weed. I'm not going to give a lecture, just remind you it is harming you socially, psychologically and physically. You have plenty of intelligence, look up the effects for yourself.

You are not wasting you life, you are storing up experiences that will make you kinder, wiser and more capable as an adult. Come to think of it I use my parent's rigid and misguided behavior as a template of what not to do and I'm a better parent as a result.

Insidentally thank you for supporting Guest_60161145 and Casper, it was very kind of you, you have a good nature.

You are experiencing a particularly hard time in your life, that will change and I hope when it does you can find it in yourself to recognize there is nothing wrong - or even unusual - about you. It can be fine.

You know you are welcome here anytime.

Croix

[sofaking]

i hope i will recognise my life for what it is and you helped me 🙂 thanks

[Croix]

Dear Sofaking~

I'm glad to be of help, incidentally thanks for letting me know, gives me encouragement.

You certainly will find your true self. At the moment you are in a pressure house with parents on one side and school on the other, both pushing so hard you spend most of your time reacting, which is not the same as being yourself.

When those pressures are no longer ruling your life you will find what you enjoy, what  you are looking for, your own ideas of right and wrong,  and the strengths you find you have that allow you to react within your own nature with others.

I"d suggrst having a look at QLIFE, there are many other people's experiences and advice there.

Croix