Very very lost

[Mugumbo]

Hi All,

Firstly, I apologise if this seems jumbled, but this is harder to write than I first thought.

I' ve been battling depression, low self- esteem and a lack of confidence for about 6 years now. I've seen many doctors and been prescribed many different medications.

I generally have an upbeat disposition but I guess that comes from being able to hide my feelings very well, but there are times where it all hits me like a tonne of bricks.

Despite the medication I still find myself in deep bouts of depression and self-loathing regularly, with sporadic thoughts of self destructive behaviour thrown in to boot and recently I've been feeling extremely lonely and isolated. I believe one large key factor is that a have a tendency to over think things way too much.

I haven't had a relationship or sexual partner for nearly 6 years and I believe this is due to the way my medication kills my sex drive and libido along with my lack of confidence. To make matters worse, I'm currently living with a female friend whom I previously had quite strong feelings for. She is currently in a committed relationship with another of my friends who also lives with us and over the time we have spent living together, I think these feelings have grown even stronger, to a point of almost infatuation.

I want to break the stranglehold these feelings for her have over me, but I can't seem to. I've tried to meet other women, but I end up comparing them to her and let my self-esteem and confidence issues get in the way.

I'm not looking for a silver bullet, because I know I've got a long way to go, but I don't know anywhere else to go.

[geoff]

dear Mugumbo, thanks for joining us on this site, and making your comment which I have to tell you that it's a very sad one, and must be frustrating to a certain extent.

Well I can see that your depression is prolonged because you are living with the person you are infatuation with, and because she is in another relationship, maybe or maybe not committed to someone else then your depression pounds away at you.

Why do we always get infatuated with somebody we can't have, quite easily, it happens with me all the time, because I have been divorced and single for 12 years, my desire for that one person does drive me crazy, but if you are living with them the pain would be excruciating, and because we can't do anything about it then our depression increases.

It's impossible to try and find someone else when you are in love with this person, it just can't work out, it just doesn't feel right, or perhaps we may feel as though we are being dishonest, or unfaithful.

For example if I'm living with Kylie Minogue but she is already attached then by going out with Sarah Bull Wrinkle won't suffice, and I mean no harm in saying this.

Can I first suggest that you have your medication reviewed, because the ones you are taking have a bad effect on your sexual drive, so really they aren't suitable, as sexual drive is very important when dating or in a relationship, because if our drive or want of it is low then this will lower your self esteem to be non existent.

I wonder how this person would feel if you do bring someone else home with you, so please don't automatically think that she will lose favour for you, what it could do is make her much more attracted.

Let us know your thoughts on this. L Geoff.