Your Recovery Story

[Loz18]

I thought sharing my story might help get some feelings out of my head and hopefully hearing other peoples recovery story can give me some hope.

Looking back I believe my depression started at around 13. My teenage years were extremely destructive with heavy drug and alcohol use as well as sexual promiscuity and binge eating.

I first tried antidepressants at 16 and decided they were crap after a month.

At 20 after a very low point in my life I made the decision to move to Australia from NZ to start a new life. After a night out on the town I was sexually assaulted and not long after I got charged with drink driving and I realised I needed to do something.

My GP put me on to medication and I began seeing a counsellor every 4-5weeks. I no longer drink excessively or use drugs. All seemed well after a while and at the start of this year I chose to go off my medication because I felt great, I was healthy and have lost 15kg.

I then began to feel low again and my doctor put me different medication which I had horrible side effects from. After a few months I didn't feel they were working so the doctor changed the dose.

In October just after my 23rd birthday
I tried ending my life. I was so low and felt as though I could'nt deal with it anymore. Ten years I have been struggling with depression and anxiety. I didn't have another ten years in me.

I was put onto medication, now see a psychologist weekly and have had to drop my hours at work. I had an allergic reaction to the medication last week and my doctor has since put me onto a different medication.

I been diagnosed with severe depression and generalised anxiety disorder.

I do everything possible to keep
my depression and anxiety at bay. I eat healthy and exercise regularly, I keep my brain active with study, I have a great support network of family and friends and reduce the stress in my life when I can, I attend talking therapies and take medication but its always there, the horrible thoughts about myself, the suicide idealations and the hyperactivity of my brain.

Please tell me somewhere along the way it gets better?


beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.



 

[geoff]

dear Loz, welcome to the site and thanks for contacting us.

It's easy to tell that you are a very astute and knowledgeable person, and unfortunately this does occur with so many people suffering from depression of any type, why I have no answer to this, there maybe hundreds of reasons which any professional can give to you, some of which we may agree with, some which we find to be farcical, so it's up to the individual to accept in what they believe in.

We always encourage people to be able to talk to others who are struggling with their own depression, however these groups can differ.

You wouldn't fit into a group if they were suffering from PTSD and you yourself were not, it wouldn't be appropriate, it maybe helpful to learn so much about PTSD but your concerns are far from this problem, so that's why the group has to be based around the same problems as you are facing yourself.

Can I give you another example, if I was having trouble with continuous thoughts of suicide then the group that you should join is for those having the same thoughts, simply because everybody thinks differently, and by understanding why Mr/Mrs D thinks this way I'm sure that you would feel sorry for them and join them in the tears that they show, but it can be totally different to how you feel, never the less they join you in your tears, and what this means is that there is a connection between all of you, so then this means that the group has to be suitable for you.

There are so many of us who have tried and contemplated ending our lives, but here we are responding to you and other people, so can I say that there is a light at the end of tunnel, we never would ever believe somebody from telling us that, but we were all wrong, and have faith in those who have been there and truly have trust in what we say, it's not easy to know this and accept what we say, but please stay with us, because there is help out there, and part of this is posting on this site.

I hope that you can get back to us. L Geoff. x

[White_Rose]

Hello Loz

I join Geoff in welcoming you to Beyond Blue. Thank you for telling us your story, which unfortunately is quite common. But we survive and we go on to live good lives.

The first thing that occurred to me is why the GP did not put you back on your original ADs. It seems they worked and you had no side effects. However, I am not a doctor so there was probably a good reason, I hope.

Fourteen years ago I fell into a huge, major depression. Never been in such an  horrendous place before and I never want to go back there. In retrospect I wonder how I survived because it was truly terrible. So yes, I can relate to your pain and despair.

I did not eat healthily because I did not eat at all. Lost 22 kg in a few months. Took time of work, reduced my hours to four per day. Actually the psych wanted me to take complete time off but I was too scared to be at home on my own all day as I lived alone. And yes there days when I did not want to go on living, days when when it was all too much for me. I shudder whenever I think of that time.

So my message is that you can get better. You are doing the right things with your lifestyle and having a good support network is truly wonderful. The downside is not knowing someone with a magic wand to cure you. I used to fantasize about that because it seemed I would never change, that life as I knew it then was how it would always be.

But that is not the case. You are young and strong; you do all the right things and you have people who love and support you. I presume your GP and psych are also supportive.You can get through it and have a good life on the other side. You will get better because you are obviously a fighter.

It is the depression that affects your brain, as I'm sure you know. This horror of an illness sits there and whispers to you about dying. It sends a cascade of thoughts into your mind until you believe you are unhinged. It is depression that does this to us. So the idea is that medication will help the brain to regain its equilibrium and with counseling/therapy you will understand what upsets you and how to manage these intrusive thoughts. It's often a long process, which is the downside.

But stick with it. Amazingly there are benefits. Those who have been through depression emerge stronger and more empathetic towards others. Not just those with depression but others with difficulties in their lives. You've been there and can talk to people in trouble and it is quite a good feeling.

Please write in again.

Mary