Meltdown

[White_Rose]

For the past year I have been getting better. Understanding why I get overwhelmed by life and learning to cope in a very difficult situation. The priest in my church has bullied me unmercifully for several years because I stood up for what I thought was right.

I spoke to him yesterday about a matter and he told me I was not fit to be a leader in the church, that I was disloyal, presumably because I did not agree with him, and a bad influence in the church.  I know there are some people who agree with him, mainly I suspect because they have never heard my side of the story and it is difficult attending this church. I have decided not to leave because I see no reason for being pushed out, but he is now leaving and will be gone on Monday.

I really did not expect this parting shot and I collapsed completely yesterday. Even writing this makes me cry. What really upsets me is that it is the church doing this. It is the one institution that I have looked up to believing it has good spiritual practices, love and compassion. So this has opened my eyes in a most unpleasant way and hence I suppose my depression. Silly me for having faith in people.

I was really getting well again and feeling happy. My brain had 'unfogged' and I was thinking more clearly, had more energy and was begining to manage my life again. Then this happened. I don't understand why or how people can be so vicious or why I am so thoroughly intimidated, nervous and shaky. You would think I could have toughened up by now. Instead, here I am shaking all over, crying like a baby and wishing I had never been born.

In a few days it may all get better again but until then I feel as though I am in a huge void, tossed around by any wind, not knowing which way is up. My whole body aches, inside and out So many people how much it helps to write down their feelings and i am finding that too. But I still do not understand why I fell down so hard and so quickly. I really thought I could handle this sort of stuff.

Mary

[Tinker69]

Mary, my heart goes out to you. You sound like a very caring person, someone who stands up for what they believe in. Unfortunately, in my experience, it is those that speak out and stand up for those that are too scared or timid, they are the ones that are cut down. You sound like you are the one that people turn to when they have a problem. The one with the kind heart and patience to listen to their problems. It is so unfair of that priest to single you out as a trouble maker. Priests are supposed to be compassionate. They are not supposed to judge. I would feel the way you do if someone I believed in spoke to me in that manner. It is the same as bullying in the workplace. It makes you feel small and makes you lose confidence in your own abilities. Please do not let this priest bully you and make you feel as if you are responsible for the problems within his parish. Even though he is leaving on Monday, he is the one that should be held to account, not you. Sending a big hug and warm feelings your way. 

Terri

[white knight]

Hi Mary,

Terri is right, dont allow this bully to succeed in ruining your feelings and self worth.

Yes, agree totally, people can be cruel especially in groups. It's like a fever or feeding frenzy in a group. A few want to follow the priest as if he is immune to criticism and then the fever begins. Before you know it, it is judge and jury among people you considered friends.

So my advice is to continue as you are and let time heal. Before you know it things will revert back to normal.

Your practice of forgiving others should be extended to him and others that are misguided and judgemental.

Whatever your decisions Mary....stay as you are, stay sensitive as you are because that is your makeup, your personality. It is your value to your pride and its your wonder within yourself.

Those that have judged you have the work to do on themselves.

You? well you are ok - just the way you are.

Tony WK

[White_Rose]

Thank you Terri and Tony.

It really does mean a great deal to me to be affirmed. I am begining to recover from the shock but as we all know, it will take some time. However, I have every intention of attending his final service tomorrow morning with a smile. I suspect my motives are somewhat less than pure, but I will continue to attend church.

It's funny Tony. I had almost reached the stage of forgiveness.  It is hard to do and I felt I was getting there until yesterday. Now I am all in a turmoil again but starting to find which way is up. Once the man has gone I hope life will get better.

Thank you both so very much for your lovely replies.

Mary

[Neil_1]

Hi Mary

Just getting to this now and must say that Terri and Tony’s posts have been wonderful and very much in agreeance with my thinking on this as well.

One thing I would like to add (ok, possibly more than one) was where you mentioned in your original post was that you said, what really upset you was the church was doing this.  I might be reading it wrong, but to me, it was one person – unfortunately enough, it being the priest;  and sure he’s linked with the church;  BUT the church overall didn’t do this – it was one man, a bully.  So don’t let this sway your faith towards the church and all that is linked with that – sorry I don’t know too much about it all;  all I’m saying here is that, “don’t let one cruel bully diminish your faith that you have in the church”.

Also, pretty much everyone on this site is a sufferer in one way or another – and with that, we’re all made up differently inside as well.  Some are stronger and more forthright;  some are perhaps middle of the road and some can appear to be strong, but underneath it’s like a bed of eggshells.  I say this, cause I’m like that.  And I suspect Mary, you may be as well. 

And nothing wrong with this (for the most part – but I’ll get to that) cause that’s just how we’re hard-wired.  In times of conflict or confrontation, it is us who get knocked heavily due to our sensitive nature.  I did say nothing wrong with being this way, but you know, there’s been so many times where I’ve felt/wished that I was hard-wired differently – cause then you would be able to stand up to these bullies and give back;  and you know what, from what I’ve experienced, bullies more often than not, don’t know how to react to someone giving out back to them.

Sorry, I’ve possibly gone off a bit there, but hope my meaning was reasonably clear.

I also hope that the last service of this man went ok for you.

Neil

[White_Rose]

Thank you Neil

Yes I know we all react differently. I have often been told what a strong person I am, but really, underneath I go to jelly in the face of aggression.

Yes he left on Sunday but something quite amazing happened. I woke up that morning feeling at peace with the world. It was so unexpected and wonderful and I felt that at long last I could forgive him.  But when I went to say goodbye and tell him my feelings he apologised to me. I was in shock. So I accepted his apology, wished him well for the future and was promptly hugged.

Whatever his reasons I know it cost him to say sorry and I will accept it at face value and move on. Maybe I will never see him again.

My comments about the church were because I did complain about my treatment and he was exonerated. The investigation had so many holes in it you could drive a bus through. But given the findings of the Royal Commission I should not have been surprised. However, Neil, I do agree with you about not letting it affect my faith. I have had fantastic support from other (senior) church personnel. I can now lay it all to rest and move on with my life.

So at the moment I am very happy. I feel that my depression has gone and I am free to enjoy my life. I know I will have worries etc in the future, who doesn't? But I feel better equipped to cope. It is a wonderful feeling.

My GP has often talked about hard wiring, both in general and how we are wired differently. I too wish my wiring was different. But then I might end up worse off. At least I know who and what I am these days.

I hope your distress is easing these days. I promise you it will get bearable and eventually you will remember mom with love, comfort and even joy, and with much less sorrow. Time really does smooth the jagged edges.

Best wishes

Mary