Useless, hopeless feeling

[Neil_1]

A short while ago, my partner and my wonderful daughter headed down to the local club to have dinner together.  That's something that we all usually do, every so often and it's just brilliant sitting there, having a chat about whatever;  just comfortable and relaxing.

But now, I cannot go.  I'm a pokie addict and in early December, I self-excluded myself from all clubs within our city ... for a period of 6 months.

And so here I am, home ... while they're down there; without me.  DAMNIT all ... even the tears now won't come and I'm as emotional as all hell about this, I STILL I can't bloody well cry!!!!!!!   Angry, pissed off, so upset ... all because I've got this stupid addiction.   That was the way I felt on the evening that I created my self-ban ... and on that night, I did break down in the club ... they took me into a private room and I bawled my eyes out.  That was the first time for ages that I cried, and the 2nd time for crying, was just the other day in front of a DVD.

I cried at the club, cause I saw a young girl come into the club with her family and it rocked me.

Just a hopeless, useless pokie addict and I really feel self harming ... I was gonna write something else then, but I've had things blocked before and I don't want this post blocked.  Just a useless piece of trash, who's mind is stronger than anything and dominates me ... I can see the devil on my shoulder now, laughing at the useless pathetic piece of crap that I am.

N.

[Neil_1]

Dear all

My last post was quite a full on one ... I'm just in a bad place at the moment.  But I can assure everyone that I'm not going to do anything bad.

I am "ok". 

I've got my doc's visit coming up on Monday which will be good and out of that, I am hoping to renew my relationship with my psychologist.

There's no point in me belting out all of this to all you wonderful people.  So yeah, all I'm saying, "please don't worry about me ... I'm doing ok".

My bestest and kindest regards to all,

Neil

[Neil_1]

PS:   Beyond Blue have assured me that they won't ban me.  🙂  🙂

[guest75]

Hi Neil

Glad to hear you are ok and glad to hear beyond blue wont ban you 🙂 You're reassuring words are really helping keep me grounded.

I hope you can get passed your demons soon as you seem like a very genuine down to earth person who i can see in my short time here, you have given some great advice and very kind words to a lot of people who are struggling and its really sad that you are also struggling yourself and i dont know what i can say to help you with your situation.

you sound like you are doing a lot to help yourself by banning yourself from places that have pokies, hopefullly visiting your psychologist again will also help you with the way that you are feeling, but i can assure you, you are not a "worthless piece of crap"

[Girl_Anachronism]

HI Neil,

 Glad to hear you'll be sticking around.

It seems like so many of us live from one appointment to the next.

GA

[Jo3]

Hey Neil

I know you will be okay, and you will get through this.

Thank you for helping me during the past few days.

Stay positive and strong,

Your friend

Jo

[Mares73]

Dearest Neil it's Friday am-my birthday & I'm 41 so I'm depressed lol!!!! Nah seriously I came here to see if you were ok, if you'd read the mags I'm leaving everywhere for you etc! Your last msg perfectly explained how I live my life suffering with such awful anxiety. Nearly 100% of the time I'm on high alert, ready to jump through the window at the slightest noise, I'm always on edge-it's like being on patrol 24hrs day, our bodies & minds ready to react at the simplest things. It's an awful way to live & like you I hate it so much. Secondly how could you possibly be a fraudster? You have admitted you have an addiction, you have taken incredibly courageous steps to deal with it. Of course you still have the desire to play them, it may be something you will have to learn to live with in a similar way we learn to live with our illnesses. Many many people experiencing depression and/or anxiety have addictions of one kind or another. For me without going into my story, the addiction was about trying to fill an emptiness & it was an escape for a while. I never realised I'd have to come back to the same person that I am with the same issues I still faced. I'd just engaged in some avoidance behaviour & I still battle that feeling but I don't have to act on it. And yes we listen to others tell us we are strong etc but it has no real impact if we don't have any faith in ourselves. You need to start thinking of your strengths & scribble a list of what you can do & what you have achieved to date & include what you want for this year. I hope you are ok. You remain in my thoughts. Love Mary x (Mares73)