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[phightingphan]

School starts up again tomorrow. Safe to say I do not want to come back.

To be fair, I don't think anyone wants to come back, but I like to imagine I am suffering over it the most. It makes me feel good when I know I'm hurting more than others.

I have holiday homework I haven't done, big deal, right? Well... it is. I haven't read our assigned book for English Advanced, and my work for the book content/themes of it, which I can't finish tonight, because I haven't even read the book yet LMAO. 

I also have to work on my ancient history essay (which, might I add, is an actual assignment that counts towards my grade), but am I really willing to write 1500 words of rubbish I don't care about? No, not really- that's why I'm here. I like to complain about things I could've easily changed if I weren't lazy. 

To tell the truth, it really hurts me when I think about how there is something fundamentally wrong with me compared to everyone else. There is nothing I can do about it; I can only accept it and move on with my life, but it's so, so, so hard to. I grew up feeling different, and I was always aware of it, but it never truly affected me until it did. Until the years of being a social outcast of a child caught up to me in some of the most integral years of my development, teenagehood. Not being properly socialised as a kid will always come back to bite you in the ass, and I wish I knew that. I wish I were normal. I wish I could deal with my school problems like a normal kid. But I'm not normal, I will never be normal, and I can only sit and mull over my life until it ends.

Or, get help. I could get help, I could just reach out and be done with it. I'm too lazy to do that either, or too scared, it's getting hard to tell nowadays. 

I don't just attribute this way of thinking to my life, but rather to my brain itself- there is clearly something wrong with my brain. I am probably neurodivergent or extremely depressed or both. And yet, despite it all, to everyone else, I will always be completely well-adjusted mentally! Sure, I'm an antisocial weird freak who is addicted to her phone and is incompetent and lazy and a living, breathing failure (these are not all my words), but I'm just a normal teenage girl. I love my life. God, I love living.

[Croix]

Dear Phightingphan~

Well hello again, I've read though your past posts, even answered one when you were discouraged about art and have ended knowing three things, you are 16 year old young lady, you are terribly good at blaming yourself and seeing shortcomings in yourself, and you don't see any way out.

OK, so you think you are lazy not to have done school work and you are different and do not want to socialize, you imply that being in the world of games is not ideal and other matters too.

Suppose these are not shortcomings in you, what would that mean? I ask this because I too blamed myself for everything, lack of motivation, performance and not enjoying being with people. You have games to retreat to and I had books. I too thought it was me being lazy.

There was no end I could see to all this and I'd simply endured. Things got worse and I ended up suicidal. In the end I was so unhappy with my life, and could not change things be myself, that I sought out medical help.

Over time this was a life changer, I no longer had to cope by retreating into books and inactivity, I started to enjoy thngs, take satisfaction in what I could do, and got on a lot better with my family.

It took a fair bit or mental effort to take the first step and see my GP, but it ended up I had severe depression. Depression is a sneaky sort of disease and fills your mind with hopeless, self blaming thoughts, emphasizing all the things that could be wrong, discouraging action and filling the mind so full there is no room for anything else. -including other people.

Now I'm not a doctor so cannot say you have depression, I can say you sound like I was, very much like I was.

I do know you went to a counselor, but I suspect you did not fully open up because you did not want your parents to know what you said. That's natural, you can see this as a threat, even if they are reasonable loving people. That puts the breaks on and you end up doing nothing.

At 16 you are entitled to tell your GP not to tell your parents anything, the only exception being if the GP is convinced you are about to seriously hurt yourself or others. With any sensible GP they are not going to hit the panic button unless there is really good reason, and if they are half competent they will talk everything over with you before doing anything.

The other means of seeking assistance is the Kid's Help Line (1800 55 1800) who have an awful lot of expereice with the problems younger people have and be a real comfort and source of help. As they are so good they are popular and you may have to wait on the phone (watch tv or play a game while you are on hold). I do not suggest their WebChat even though it sounds an easier thing to do. You still have a long wait and you  time with the councilor is less.

If I knew some sort of way I could have helped myself into a better world by myself I'd not recommend so strongly you get assistance, You say you love life, however it does not sound like it, and I really would like your life to be tons better.

You have always struck me as a worthwhile person, writing well, having intelligence and the ability to see things are wrong, with skill as is needed in ULTRAKILL and Phighting plus you are polite and thank people for talking with you here. You are worth a lot, even if you do not believe me at the moment. 

Croix

[phightingphan]

Hi everyone! Some big things have happened in my life since I last posted, so I would like to address them here.

1. I opened up to my mother about my issues, like my suicidal thoughts and whatnot. It was very sudden, not at all like I had planned it in my head lol. 

2. I am going to therapy currently! I've only had like one session, so nothing has really changed, but therapy is a good step, right?
3. I am still miserable. I am still miserable. I am still miserable. I am still SO miserable. Going to therapy isn't an obvious switch; I get it, it's gonna take time to get better, but

A part of me doesn't want to get better. I kind of want to get worse. In fact, I feel regret for even opening up to my mother or going to therapy, and I wish I could've just killed myself without saying anything. It's not that I don't feel hopeful, but depression is an ugly thing and sucks away the joy from a lot of things that should make me happy. Will therapy even save me? I think of this often. I feel I am too far gone, and everything that people tell me is the same thing I've heard for the 2203930250924590th time. Words do not bring me as much comfort as I wished they did, they feel empty and hollow and devoid of meaning to me. 
I do not want to go to school tomorrow. 

[Emotions26]

Hello

Your name is a strong statement about who you are as a person

Hard times for you

I have personally experienced deep major depression and not even known that I was

I am from a different generation and "depression" had not been discovered

It was real as you are experiencing.

You can find a way out with the right therapist. 

Everything that you have written I can relate to. What you are experiencing is real and it does not mean that you are the problem!

You will have to do the work in therapy and 

you have landed here which is a good start and perhaps means that  you want to help You!

I do not know about your previous posts

I do know that there is a way out

Do not give in to any of your self doubts

Ems

[therising]

Hi phightingphan

While it may not necessarily feel like it right now, you've taken great steps toward making a difference

1. You've opened up to your mum. You've led her to become more conscious of how serious this is. Before this, she may have not been fully conscious. How she manages this new level of consciousness, time will tell. She may mange it brilliantly or maybe not
2. You'll gradually lead your therapist to become more conscious of how you feel, what your struggles are, what you need or want etc etc. While one session is a start, it's a good start. You're now there trying to make and find a difference. You're taking action
3. While misery is a horrible feeling, it's a reference point on a scale of emotion. 'Less miserable' or 'slightly happy' or even 'a little relieved' indicates positive movement on that scale. Feeling that movement is what can create a sense of progress and optimism, kinda like 'Things must be improving in some way. I can feel it'. I think this is where sometimes we have to trust what we feel, while getting a sense of where we are on that scale. For example, someone could say to us 'You should be feeling happier'. If we don't feel any sense of joy, we have to be honest and say 'Nup, just not feeling it'. Keep in mind, it's a sliding scale. Left to right or up and down, sometimes it can feel like we're going backwards after having made progress. The sliding is natural

While I used to think 'What's wrong with me? Why can't I feel any positive difference?', while I was in a long term depression many years back, I realised there was no positive difference to feel outside of an anti depressant that worked brilliantly for a time. Btw, I had to stop taking it for the time I was pregnant. After the pregnancy, it never again worked in the same way. All the other anti depressants I tried after that made no difference. It was just like all the revelations people would offer that made no difference until one revelation did. After 15 or so years in that depression, I felt the most intense mind altering major emotional difference. I felt the moment I came out of that depression. When you mention hearing the same words for the 2203930250924590th time, I get it. I've found it's the right combination of words that cracks things open, like the right combination of numbers that opens a safe. Whether it's the right numbers or the right words, it's about finding what's right for us. Not every safe is going to open with the same numbers. When things start to really 'click', you'll feel it. Until then, keep looking for what you feel makes a difference. I know it's hard but have faith that you'll find it, as you continue of your path of greater self understanding and self development. It's amazing the difference we can feel when we come to understand ourself in greater and more liberating ways. 

[Croix]

Dear Phightingphan~

Well, even if you do not think so I look at what has happened as being a great step forward. Would you like to say how your mum reacted when you told her how you felt?

You are right to say depressions sucks all the joy out of life, I found it sucks out all the hope too, and makes me blame myself for everything as well, even though it was not really deserved.

Sure you can wonder if you should take your life and not have to deal with what life is handing you at the moment.  I realy hope you have told this to your psychologist, so they can make helping you feel differently quickly is the priority.

I attempted to end my life as the world was too much for me, now I'm very glad I'm alive. This is not something I would have thought possible at the time, but then again that was depression blocking out all the good things in the world.

It might be your mum does not understand all that is going through your head, however all she realy has to do is listen, take you seriously and care. My partner did not really understand but was there for me and as time went on I was glad. I could say how I felt and it was ok, I was not alone any more.

If you can get to see you are not lazy, you are being held back by illness, that will be a huge step.

I hope you feel like coming back and saying more

Croix