Unhappy in paradise

[saltysoil]

Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum and have always wanted to post something about my own struggles. I've just recently, on the advice of the only friend I spoken to about depression, gone and seen my GP about the way I've been feeling for the last 3 years. I've always been that person that everyone likes, but have not ever been fortunate enough to be seen as someone who another may be attracted to. I'm sure there are people in worse positions than me, I'm physically healthy, employed, have a loving extended family and I'm lucky enough to have been living in a beautiful tropical town for the past 12 years. To be 33 and having never had a  girlfriend, makes me so sad I can't explain it. It never used to bother me, I know I'm well liked/respected in the community and I figured it would work out for me. To have never had someone care for me in that way, to have missed out on so many moments tears me up to the point where I just can't function when I'm alone with my thoughts. I know that to find a partner I need to be happy in myself and more confidant, but it's so hard. It sounds so selfish to me, but I would just love to have someone genuinely happy to see me, or to know that someone is just waiting for their work day to finish so they can rush over to be with me. I have so much love to give, but I'm afraid that I'll never be able to share it with anyone. As beautiful as my home is, it's transient nature is hurting me so badly. Watching friends pair up and leave all the time is constantly leaving me trying to chase new friends, and every year I fit in less and less as the new batch of people in town are always that few years younger. While I know I have to take risks, I'm worried that if I moved to the city, I'll just be another dull face in the crowd, at the very least here at home I'm well known. I think what makes me really upset at the moment is that the only person I've poured my heart out to about my feelings is also leaving in a few months, I'm not sure what to do then. I guess at the moment I'm just hoping the meds my doc put me on will help me feel well so I can at least get back to feeling happy, even if meeting a partner is not something that will happen. All I know is I can't cry myself to sleep anymore, I just hate the way I feel, and its taking all my effort to not hate myself.

Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it.

[white knight]

Hi saltysoil, welcome

Some of us, even though we have been "successful" in meeting partners and having children still have had difficulties in meeting that partner in the first place.

In my case an all boys school saw me see girls as alien...hard to interact with. My first wife I met at work, the second (didn't marry her) I met from a dating service in a newspaper and the last, my current wife, has been an in law that divorced. So with all 3 there has been a link to my life that wasn't as hard as approaching someone out of the blue.

In the older days we had dancing. Now we still have ways to meets others like sports, line dancing, groups and clubs and you really need to be proactive to meet someone. You wont meet someone in your lounge room.

So, scan the local papers. Join some small organisations like volleyball or table tennis. For everyone you meet they have several sisters you could one day be introduced to. As one famous man said- "don't think- do"!!

Good luck

Tony WK

[Neil_1]

Hi there Saltysoil (interesting name by the way)

Like Tony, I too would like to welcome you to Beyond Blue.

I’d also like to back up Tony’s post to you and to say that getting out there and being amongst others is a great way for meeting new people.  Though, I guess the term “new” is a relative type term in your circumstance, where you say you live in a tropical town … my emphasis there is on the word town.  Town to me doesn’t depict an overly large amount of people, and no need to divulge where it is – but, am I’m just thinking out loud here – being a tropical town, with my kind of weird thinking, I think of tropical town and I think of coastal places and I think of the beach and all the rest of it.    Sorry, bit of a slight digression there.

What I guess I was trying to say there was that, perhaps a city would have a larger population base for you to explore, etc, but then as you say, you’d be leaving your community as well.

You’re physically healthy, which is fantastic – are there running groups close by, that you could possibly join?  Or any number of sporting type organisations – again, something that you could join and meet new people.  Sport is always a fantastic way of meeting new people – and doing something like that, it’s then finding people who’ve already got a similar sense of interest, so you’re ahead of the pack straight away.

With your work, just going back to the city option – is there any possibility that you could score a job in a city?  Though this is a rather big move, but I’m just throwing it out there as a possibility.

Anyway, I could go on for a while on this, and am happy to do so – just let me know.  I do hope between myself and Tony, we’ve been able to provide you something a little helpful.

Kind regards

Neil

[White_Rose]

Dear Saltysoil

Hello and welcome. Congratulations on going to see your doctor. That takes a lot of effort so well done. Would you like to tell us the outcome of that visit? Were you prescribed antidepressants or referred to a psychologist or counsellor? I ask because you are so obviously unhappy and I wonder why, apart from the girlfriend issue.

I gather you have some self confidence issues which I imagine makes it difficult to approach someone new, especially an attractive girl. So the reason I ask about the outcome of the visit to your doctor is that maybe your depression is a result of your confidence difficulties rather than a lack of girlfriends. Does that sound reasonable?

Tony and Neil have given you some pointers about where to meet others. This would be great if you feel you can do this. I suggest you join a club or organisation that has some interest for you. No good being surf lifesaver if you dislike swimming. Book club? Politics, local, state or federal? What about volunteer activities? So many organisations need helpers and the satisfaction of helping others is terrific, also confidence building. The possibilities are enormous so have a good look round.

This is a short post, for me anyway, to add a couple of comments to those of Tony and Neil. Hope they are useful. Please write in again.

Mary

[albyquirky]

It sounds like you have had your confidence knocked back by not having had a relationship with a girl.

Maybe you could work on rebuilding your confidence first, and then try approaching girls again. I promise you there are girls out there that will genuinely want to get to know you if you take the first step and show them who you really are.