I'm back-latest chapter in my world of turmoil

[Mares73]

It's been quite a while since I posted.

My husband has Acute leukaemia at 43 & had a bone marrow transplant. Who knows what his future will be-the uncertainty is really hard.

I was involved with the Royal Commission & am pursuing a civil case against a priest who abused me when I was a teenager. 

I also thought my 16yr old daughter was coping amazing & was so proud of her. My 11yr old son hasn't coped well & is very hard to reach. He just wants his dad all the time he won't engage with me unless it's anger.

i just found out by accidently seeing notes my daughter had written that she's not coping as I thought. She has immense underlying anxiety & anger towards me for the impact of my depression on her life. I feel I have 2 children who I have hurt so deeply with the symptoms of my illness. It crushes my heart. How can I make it better? How can I fix the damage I've caused? They needed me so much with their dad being sick. And I thought I was there for them but I obviously wasn't.

I've tried to talk to my daughter about this & apologise but her response is always "I don't want to talk about this mum because I end up feeling guilty for being upset with you & nothing ever changes".I really fear them getting older & their main memories being of me depressed, letting them down & being over medicated. This is a reality. My illness has defined me as their mother. They are the main memories they have of me. And if I suggest taking them out they won't come & say " mum you never keep your promises so I'm not going to get excited, I don't have any expectations that you will do what you say". This is understandable as I have been sick more than a few times when I've promised to do things with them.

im so low today. So full of self hate. So sad that they are drifting away from me. I don't know that this is something I can make right. I'm trying so so hard to communicate with them & suggest doing things together but they have lost interest.

i had a abusive upbringing. I know the damage & scars it left on me. Now I'm leaving different scars on my children. They are my world. I cannot put into words how deep my love is. It's breaking my heart & creating more depression now that I know how deeply my illness has affected them. 

All I want in the world is my children's trust in me & to stop their love being overshadowed by my PTSD, depression &?anxiety.

I feel so so sad & worthless & unhappy.

mares 

[White_Rose]

Dear Mares

Great to hear from you again even in these sad circumstances. I think there is a difference between an abusive childhood and a hard or sad childhood. You did not choose depression and you tried to lessen the impact of that depression on your children. What else could you do? I used to feel guilty about my children for various reasons. Should I have returned to work while they were still at school, is one question I frequently asked myself. Well of course the answer is both yes and no. It always is. You cannot foresee what is going to happen in life. Maybe if you had known your husband was going to be ill you would have done things differently. But of course you could not know this.

Mares, you can continue to beat yourself up for all your past "mistakes" and make yourself miserable. But please think about it more carefully. The reality is that you did the best you could at the time. You were abused and it took it's toll. You mother was seemed uncaring about this and your husband. You were left to cope on your own and rear your children. You are not Superwoman. There are so many things we would like to change about the past. The biggest change in your life is to have not been abused. My dear, please forgive yourself for those things that could not be helped and that were not your fault.

I find children are very resilient and as they grow up they see parents actions from a different perspective to that of their youth. I know you have commented about your mom in the past and how you see her actions a little differently now. She has been able to talk to you these days, which she could not when you were younger. It will be the same for your children. Continue to love and care for them. Help them in all the ways parents help children but do not blame yourself. Your priest has more to answer for than only the abuse of you. He is the one who has shaped your future in many ways and is continuing to affect your family.

I can't remember if you have organised any counselling for your children. It may be useful to get them some grief counseling as the prognosis for your husband is so poor. In any case, they have missed out so much on being with their father because of his illness that it could be a real help for them to talk to someone, however your husband's illness goes. And it is Parenting 101 that children never believe their parents know anything but will accept the word of a stranger.

Please keep us up to date.

Mary

[Neil_1]

Dear Maresy

As always, it’s great hearing from you – though how wonderful would it be if it could be under different circumstances.  I guess we can only wish for such things.  Do wishes come true?  I wish.  Oh gee, I’ve got myself in a mixed up loop there.  Sorry about that.

I’ve read and re-read both your post and also Mary’s response to you.  I honestly cannot add to all the awesome words, thoughts and suggestions that Mary came up with.  I think it was a really top response and hope that it resonates with you and that you’re able to feel even just a little better for reading it.

Could I please ask how your holiday up the coast went?  I really hope that it was a nice and relaxing time for you and the fam and that you were able to push aside at least some of the stress and issues that you are facing on a constant daily basis.

Kind regards

Neil

[Elizabeth CP]

Dear Mares, I'm sorry for the difficulties you are having. I agree with everything Mary said and hope that hearing positive words reminding you that you are not to blame and you have done the best job under the circumstances. 

I understand how as a mother you want the best for the children which is great unfortunately being human & circumstances outside our control mean noone does motherhood perfectly but as long as you continue doing your best (not some ideal) children & teenagers are resilient and eventually they grow up and realise you did your best.  I had problems with one of my sons as a teenager. He seemed to think I was the worst mother in the world!!   I kept doing my best and tried to always let him know I loved him even if I wasn't able to do everything the way he wanted. Several years later he mentioned some advice he'd been giving to a friend who was struggling. This advice included stating 'your mum only does what she does because she really loves you and wants the best for you.'and 'don't argue with your parents because you won't win because they only say what they really believe is right'Obviously the person my son was helping had issues with his parents but there was no abuse or similar)  I was so relieved to know that my son had grown up and now finally recognised that I had always loved him and done my best. We know have a very good relationship. I shared this to demonstrate that negative comments from your teenage children are common and not a reflection on your failure as a mother.

You mentioned your children declining to do things because you break your promises due to your illness. I wondered if you can try organizing something fun on the spur of the moment when you are able so there is no chance of it not happening rather than planning in advance. Perhaps something small so it is easy for you to manage under the circumstances. 

The other suggestion is to arrange for a session with your therapist and your children. You would need to discuss it ahead of time with your therapist to work out goals. The aim would be for your children to be able to say what they need /want and to ask questions so they can understand what is happening not as therapy for them. Only do this if you feel comfortable.. I arranged a couple of sessions with my husband so he could understand what was happening with me. It was helpful because it was made clear that the sessions wasn't about fixing him. This is a thought and up to you to decide.

Good luck 

[Mares73]

Dear friends I deeply appreciate your responses to me. I have been in a terrible way for the past few months-partly caused by an overactive thyroid which reals havoc in terms of anxiety. I have to wait to February to see a specialist. It's hard to know what is due to the thyroid condition & what is purely mental health related.

i wake every morning in a state of full flight anxiety, stomach in knots, racing thoughts & feeling completely overwhelmed at another day. I've also developed negative avoidance patterns where I don't want to leave house no matter how good it may be for me. This is also limiting what I do with the kids. For example I took my daughter clothes shopping in a enclosed Westfield building but I could only manage 3 shops before I felt like a panic attack & had to make up a story that I felt sick to my daughter.

And I'm dreading this year. It's the most risky time for the leukaemia to return & I have the case against the priest to deal with.

As I sit here tears flowing I honestly feel so crushed, so hopeless, so devastated Att the impact of my illness on my children. I'm empty & full of self hate. I can't seem to break the cycle. I'm so tired of battling anxiety & depression every day. I wish I could wake up in morning & not be instantly overwhelmed. I feel I'm not in control of my illness-rather its controlling me.

i just want some relief.

mares X

[Neil_1]

Dear Maresy

I’m sorry to hear how you are currently feeling and that whole situation of feeling totally overwhelmed and masses of anxiety inside.

While you mentioned that it’s a risky time for the leukaemia to return, at this present time, it hasn’t yet – if possible, try to think on that aspect – that for the moment it’s been kept at bay – cross the other bridge if it goes that way.

The case against the priest – I believe this would have been dominating your thought processes big time as well – but do you have a date for when this is set to happen?  If it’s still some time away, I know this is easy to write, no doubt, rather than do;  but if it is a while away, write it down as a reminder, say a week before it’s due – so (a) you’ll not be worrying unnecessarily long time over it before it’s due to happen;  and also (b) that you will be at least a little at peace, as you won’t forget when it’s going to happen – not that I doubt that would have been the case anyway.

With regard to your children, I’d really advise you to go and re-read Elizabeth’s message about that – it was chocked full of heaps of good comments (coming from experience) and advice as well.

Ps:  I say to you mega kudos for simply getting to the shopping centre with your daughter – with how you’re feeling, that sounds to me as one helluva awesome effort on your part.

Kind regards

Neil

[Mares73]

Thankyou with all my heart for your responses. It's the symptoms of my depression that my children resent. My 11yr old son calls me a "druggie" because of the medication I take & he has so much anger towards me.

my 16yr old daughter & I have always (until recently) had a great, open & trusting relationship. But lately she can barely speak decently to me & tells me I'm "off my face" of a night. She is referring to the medication I take in the evening which does make me very tired but I'm lucid-I'm not a rambling nut! 

Both my children ask why I don't get "fixed" at the Dr & I've tried so hard to explain depression to them. Sure I regret the times they've seen me in tears or upset but that's not the sum of me. People honestly do regularly say to me I've done a great job raising such beautiful children-but my kids just focus on any faults they can find.

Ive had terrible anxiety lately, never experienced it to the degree I'm totally immobilised. Turns out I have an overactive thyroid which can mimic mental illness. I can't see specialist until 10 Feb so I can't wait as I think my hormones all being out of whack could be why I feel so bad as I've never had the kinds of symptoms I've had the past few weeks. If you google overactive thyroid it's incredible-it was like I was reading about myself! I suggest people get their thyroid checked when feeling low as it can definetly mimic mental illness.

The case against the church has no end in sight. I wish there was a timeframe, it feels like it will never end.

My husband is in "waiting mode" to see if his body accepts or rejects the transplant. It's so very hard to live with the uncertainty or make plans.

its another year & I so don't want to just pass it by like I did last year. I just existed. I barely left the house. I isolated myself & avoided people & situations. I woke up each day dreading how I was going to pass the day. I can't bare to think this year I'll do the same. I don't know where to start? Should I set some goals? Should I have a daily routine? How can I meet people rather than not spending the day not talking to one single person. It results in living in my head which is not a good place to be. I need to find the motivation to do things. I can think & plan & feel guilty then repeat those feelings all day rather than just getting done what I'd set out to do. I find that so debilitating & end up guilty feeling hopeless that yet again I've wasted a day.

how do others deal with this?

mares X

[geoff]

dear Mares, it is lovely to still have you on the sight, I only wish under better circumstances as problems are all
around you at the moment, and how upsetting that is for us, let alone for you.
I'm sorry that your husband has to suffer the way he is, and this uncertainity is just another concern for the
both of you, and this would be adding to both your problems.
All the replies that precede me need no explaination from me as they are all good, so perhaps I thought that I could
explain my situation and only briefly, although my position wasn't as bad as yours, but it may highlight some points
for you.
It was just me with depression and I thought that both our sons were coping with me from what I had turned into, however
not so, as the youngest was suffering deep down and we didn't realise his situation until he lost a lot of weight and
started running up and down hills far away, but he would never admit to us how he felt, so this developed another problem
for us.
I tried to pull him back but it didn't work, and then both sons moved to Melbourne 2 hours away, so I never knew what
was happening
because he wouldn't speak to me as the divorce was going through, so I dreaded that I had lost him, just as you feel
with your daughter, but there was light at the end for me, because after constantly phoning him over a period of time
he came back to me.
There has never been any resentment from him, no talk about what happened and what I had caused to be this way, and now
both of my two sons are my closest friends now, but more than just being friends they are my buddies.
They ring me up over any small incident that they have to make a decision on, the trust is between us all, and by
saying all of this means that your daughter can be like this, so please never give up on her now, even though you feel
as though she's lost.
Having trouble with your thyroid can cause so much side-effects including felling depressed. Geoff. x