The smallest of triggers - it doesn't take much

MisterM · ‎13-01-2016

I am so sensitive that my feelings get hurt so easily and that sets me into a pattern of thinking (you are so stupid, no wonder noone likes you, I don't know why people want to be friends with me, I should just disappear).
The smallest triggers set me into a downward spiral.

I was feeling great the last few days as I decided on which course I want to study in uni and applied.
My best friend made a reply to a Facebook comment I made, he was joking around but it made me feel stupid.
Sometimes the comments I leave I do not realise others see as silly, I do not meant to comes across like a fool, it makes me think I am a fool.

In my head last night I kept saying to myself "he's only joking" "he's doing what close guy friends do and give each other s**t" "my gosh you are so sensitive" "you know he loves and cares about you as he has told you numerous times",
but my emotions are of hating myself for appearing to be so stupid for the sometimes inane, pointless comments I leave on Facebook and kind of angry at my friend for making me feel stupid by pointing that out to me a number of times. I am aware he was joking around and that his reply in no way is meant to hurt me and shouldn't hurt me but it's like my emotions make me hate myself and get angry at him and want to disappear from any online presence.
My friend has told me that is what is so endearing about me, my dagginess and some of the things I say sometimes which sound silly. But I feel unintelligent. Sometimes my mouth moves faster than my mind and I say dumb things.

I can't understand why I react like this to something so trivial and harmless.
I know there is no need to feel this way and try to get myself together but some force inside of me pulls me down and washes over me.
I was feeling upbeat and positive about my future (going back to uni if I get accepted and hopefully into the career I want) and now I feel like I have no hope and don't feel motivated to do anything and am filled with a sadness.

Anyone here react like I do?
I wish I wasn't so easily hurt and had thick skin.
I wish I could make things bounce off me instead of setting off my depressed mood and negative thinking and self loathing.
My medication is not working at all, it should prevent this reaction from me.

romantic_thi3f · ‎14-01-2016

Hi MisterM,

Thanks for reaching out.

Absolutely, there are many people here that react like you do. You are not alone. I have caught myself saying those exact same things; wanting thicker skin, to not get offended and to be able to pretend things didn't get to me even though they did.

From my own experiences I have learned that reacting to triggers and not getting caught up in negative thinking takes a lot of time and practice. For me, I have had to work extensively with a psychologist in being able to identify when I'm heading into my own 'shame spiral'.

Know that it's not easy, but that it does take time, patience and practice. I'm sure you've heard of the saying that we have to be our own friend, and it's true. If your friend was saying that she was a fool, what would you say to her? Sometimes we forget that the people that need the kindness the most is actually ourselves.

Medication can help a lot in these situations, but they don't always teach us how to think and react. Are you working with a psychologist at the moment? Maybe they can be the best person to talk to about finding new techniques to try when you feel triggered.

Hope this helps,

Guest_1055 · ‎14-01-2016

Hey MisterM

I can relate to you, infact somethings in our personalities seem pretty much identical. My thoughts are saying wow, and my feelings well I cannot identify the name of the feeling, because I have never felt it before.

I am very sensitive so much that I am crushed sometimes, by the pure weight of words that people say about me, that somehow I comprehend them in a way, that they didn't even mean. Often then.... well I feel they don't like me, not interested in me as a person and even worthless.

Even when I do verbally say things, well they sometimes sound dumb to my ears. For me, and it may be the same for you, well.... I over think things, it goes around and around in my mind and it often leads to trouble. Well I don't know what else to say Mister M, only that I can relate to you.

Hugs

Shelley xx

MisterM · ‎14-01-2016

Hi romantic,

Thank you for replying.
Yeah I need psychology sessions to re-train my brain.
I am so damaged from childhood abuse and bullying at school and work that I will need extensive therapy, like every week for months on end. Sadly I cannot afford $200 per week.

MisterM · ‎14-01-2016

Hi Shelley,

Thanks for replying.
Yeah I get crushed and feel blood drain from my face when I get hurt.
And thoughts go around and around in my head as I overthink too.

romantic_thi3f · ‎20-01-2016

Hi MisterM,

That's great that you're wanting to bring in some help for you and talk to a psychologist. Please try to remember though that your childhood doesn't make you 'damaged'. If there is trauma because of your childhood then that still can be overcome, but your not damaged because of it.

Seeing a psychologist privately can be expensive yes, but it's not the only way to seek help. Your local GP can do a referral for Psychologists as part of their care plan to enable you to see one for free as part of Medicare subsidies.

Often there are also other people who can help including Mental Health nurses and Social Workers (both are either free or funded significantly), so please don't feel like you are stuck with getting help. Feel free to look at the 'What will it cost' document to learn more: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/docs/default-source/resources/bl-0114-getting-help-how-much-does-it-cost-06-13.pdf?sfvrsn=2

Best and most simple advice is to start with your GP. They will have a good overview of the different services in your area and can help refer you on.

Hope this helps,

MisterM · ‎20-01-2016

Thank you romantic,

I don't know how psychologists and psychiatrists can charge $200 for 50 minutes.
How do they justify it.
To be honest I don't think they really care, it's all about the money for them.
If they cared they would charge no more than $50 for the standard session.

MisterM · ‎20-01-2016

My GP who I feel comfortable with now charges $65 for a consultation.
Noone cares, only about money.
All the bulk billing GP's at my local clinic I don't really feel comfortable with.

romantic_thi3f · ‎22-01-2016

Hi MisterM,

I understand that your frustrated and I know it's hard, but you do not need to talk about your problems or mental health with the GP's if you do not want to. They are there (in this case) to provide a referral.

You can potentially ask to go to a bulk-billing GP clinic and say that you would like a referral to see a psychologist. You are not required to say anything you're not comfortable with.

This would mean that all your sessions (with the GP and the Psychologist) would be subsidised.

Sorry I can't offer more information - perhaps try connecting with others in the forums or ringing the BeyondBlue support line if you get stuck.

Hope this helps,