Uncertainty and fear

[Girl_Anachronism]

"Depression is a prison where you are both the suffering prisoner and the cruel jailer."
~Dorothy Rowe

How am I today? Afraid and uncertain.

I made good progress these past few days. I went shopping most days for this or that. I even did the dishes. TWICE. So why do I feel so bad. I was out doing things. Achieving things. This should make me feel better.  So why do I feel this crushing weight on my shoulders now? Why does the thought of next week fill me with dread?

I think I know the answer to that one. I have my first volunteer shift on Monday. Just three hours. Three hours I get to spend with cats, volunteering to help out at the cat shelter. Cats make me happy. It's only three hours. That should make me happy.

But I'm not. I am afraid. So terribly terribly afraid. My monsters keep whispering to me about what could go wrong. They keep whispering about how I'll screw it up. Normally I have at least a little strength to fight it off, or at least shrug it off and let the social anxiety of missing this appointment carry me through those three hours.

I look inside and all I find is emptiness. These past few days, I almost felt like a person again. Hell I can shorten that sentence. I almost FELT. Where did that person go? II saw her, glimpses of her in the edges of my vision. I can't even see her now, where did she go?

It hurts too much to hope. Hope should be a big positive, glowing thing but in my mind it is but a flickering candle flame. I don't dare com out of the dark towards that light because I can't trust it. It might go  out any minute. I'll be left in the dark again, the dark I know so well. Worse, I'll be left in the dark with the memories of what that light was, what it could have been.


I'm not sure why I am posting. I just felt all these thoughts, like a pressure inside my head. I had to let it out somewhere. It's chaos in my head at the moment, voices shouting over voices; faces appearing in the crowd only to disappear a split second later. I don't know if I'm making sense. I don't know....

I wanted to apologise for not posting much lately. I just can't hear over all the voices, to get one clear line of thought sometimes. And then there is the effort of coming on here and pushing all these keys to get it out. Then the waiting, the anxiety as I hope it gets posted. I hope someone sees. The fear that something will go wrong and it will disappear and I'll have to type the thing out again, which seems all too hard.

So you see I am having trouble helping myself right now. I don't know how to help others. It' like offering a hand down to help someone up and over a cliff edge. I don't have the strength in my arms when the ground is crumbling beneath my own feet. If I only had a firm footing, I could help pull you up. I could do something good. I could do something.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

I'm not sure why I'm here, in both the lieteral and figurative sense. It's like I wondered onto this site by accident, sort of lost and confused and looked up and found myself here. Starting a new thread seemed like too big an efffort, and I don't really have a new them or issue. Just the same old me with same old problems. So I hit reply and here I am.

I have been working slower and slower on my costume. THe initial enthusiasm has waned and I think that initial novelty which turned it into something that I enjoyed has gone. I still do it, slower and slower; in smaller and smaller bits, mainly when my husbands around. I think that's the main reason I do it- my husband was so excited to see me doing something and it really cheered my friend up to have someone come with her in this group to this convention since she can't make it as planned to the later convention. But if I don't work on the costume I just sit there and do...nothing.

I do so many things for other people. I live for other people. I wonder, if left to my own devices what would I do? Leave a detritus of unfinished projects, broken promises and soured relationships behind in my wake as I wondered until I had no more strength and simply sat down and stopped.

Stopped everything.

I don't know what I am, who I am or where I am going.

At the end, I just don't know anymore.

GA

[homer_thompson]

Hey GA,

None of your chosen passtimes define you.

Having unfinished projects is common, very likely no-one is judging your worth on that basis. I think it's a sign of having positive ambition.. starting something means you've been inspired, and motivated.

No-one really knows, it's not important to.. only to be.

[Girl_Anachronism]

...and you may be acquainted with the night
but I have seen the darkness in the day
and you must know it is a terrifying sight
because you and I are living the same way...

Hi Homer,

I don't think I have seen you post before, if I have I apologise. My memory has been absent lately. It eloped with my ability to concentrate. Even if no one else is judging me, I judge me. I can't stand that failing myself most of all.  I deserve better. The world deserves better. I can't deliver.

GA

[homer_thompson]

howdy GA,

likely you haven't, i'm still quite a) new and b) shy. I have spent some time reading yours though and i'm impressed with your self-awareness, insight and courage.

i understand being one's own harshest judge.. constant critical self analysis is the scourge of the perfectionist. i only intended to highlight that while you might suffer your own judgement ( and the feelings of failure, hopelessness and cyclic futility that accompany it), you've also planted some seeds of creativity and hope.. would that they could flourish like the infernal weeds of self doubt.

but in the spirit of a good gardening metaphor, i'd like to offer some fertiliser (intended) for your tiny positivity seedlings: you are totally, utterly worthwhile. you have touched people who you may not even be aware of in strongly positive ways.. you write beautifully, you are intelligent, determined, responsible, accountable and caring. You deserve to think well of yourself; I sure do, and i can tell from a quick scan of this forum that many others think highly of you too.

and we can't all be wrong 😄

good luck, good vibes. live, hope, be.

[geoff]

dear GA, I like the way you have said many things but this in particular 'I do so many things for other people. I live for other people', you know that's one way I also overcame my depression, I hit it head on.

GA, I can see slowly and surely that from looking on the outside is that the pendulum has changed direction all for the positive, and if you can't see this, well you are no different to anyone else, because it only happens bit by bit, so that you won't notice it yourself.

There's an old saying, which I always love, and it goes like this, 'GO GIRL'. L Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

You’re damn right – no-one IS judging you.  Everyone is in your corner … sorry about that cause it’s a bit crowded!!

And please don’t punish yourself for wishing for quality all the time and having that fear of failing – it happens.  It has too.  We can’t keep continuing along and doing everything right!  Could you imagine the world if that was the case;  now THAT would be scary.

Why does the world deserve better?  No it doesn’t and I’m sorry, but ‘to hell with the world’ – what’s it ever done for you?  That sounds a bit selfish, but hey why not – we’re talking about you here and you’re important than anything else in your life – you are Number One and you need to know this.

I’ve said this before and twill say it again:  “GA you’re a beautiful person, who is amazingly talented in so many ways – and to be honest, the facts/knowledge/information that you have stored in your brain would be frightening to see it all – it would need an awfully powerful computer to take on your intellect”. 

 I’m sorry if I got diverted and carried away there, but I was just sensing that you needed a boost and I hope that this message has provided it.

Kind regards

 Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed

Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

Hi All,

Just a quick update. I had a longer post but it has been deemed unsafe by the great powers that be. I had a home visit from the OT yesterday and we will be doing weekly appointments and trying a few things to reduce my anxiety about leaving the house.

Psych session yesterday and another today. Why so soon? Because I had a really low day on Monday.I thought I was getting worse and apparenly I'm bad enough to get two sessions this week. Go me.

Some days it's hard to care.

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

You know out of this there’s positives … I know you’ll say “who cares” or something like that and that’s ok … but I thought I’d like to point them out to you anyway – because hey, that’s just me. 

You’re still fighting the fight and you’re not giving in and that is bloody awesome!!  You’ve got professional assistance working for you to help you battle this … and you should be really pleased, so yes, GO YOU.  Go GA !!  🙂

Those little quote thingys are they straight my the mind of GA – I expect they are – cause you should link them together to create a song.  Then we just need a band to perform it – perhaps Linkin Park??   See below, I've added another verse to it.

Kind regards

Neil  

"I had a dream my life would be

So different from this hell I'm living

So different now from what it seemed

Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

I’m living but it’s not me

I’m trying to hide but I keep getting found

This life is just sheer hell

And how I would love to kill this black hound!"

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi neil 

A short post because I am typing from my phone from my favourite hospital. Typing on the phone is a pain, I don't know how the younguns do it. That particular quote is a song lyric from les miserables. most of my quotes are from songs. 

GA

[Jo3]

Hi GA

I haven't seen a post from you for a while and was wondering just the other day how you were and then today I see your post!

I hope you are doing okay in hospital - how long have you been in?

I am going in on Monday for a week.

Pls take care

Jo xx