Uncertainty and fear

[Girl_Anachronism]

"Depression is a prison where you are both the suffering prisoner and the cruel jailer."
~Dorothy Rowe

How am I today? Afraid and uncertain.

I made good progress these past few days. I went shopping most days for this or that. I even did the dishes. TWICE. So why do I feel so bad. I was out doing things. Achieving things. This should make me feel better.  So why do I feel this crushing weight on my shoulders now? Why does the thought of next week fill me with dread?

I think I know the answer to that one. I have my first volunteer shift on Monday. Just three hours. Three hours I get to spend with cats, volunteering to help out at the cat shelter. Cats make me happy. It's only three hours. That should make me happy.

But I'm not. I am afraid. So terribly terribly afraid. My monsters keep whispering to me about what could go wrong. They keep whispering about how I'll screw it up. Normally I have at least a little strength to fight it off, or at least shrug it off and let the social anxiety of missing this appointment carry me through those three hours.

I look inside and all I find is emptiness. These past few days, I almost felt like a person again. Hell I can shorten that sentence. I almost FELT. Where did that person go? II saw her, glimpses of her in the edges of my vision. I can't even see her now, where did she go?

It hurts too much to hope. Hope should be a big positive, glowing thing but in my mind it is but a flickering candle flame. I don't dare com out of the dark towards that light because I can't trust it. It might go  out any minute. I'll be left in the dark again, the dark I know so well. Worse, I'll be left in the dark with the memories of what that light was, what it could have been.


I'm not sure why I am posting. I just felt all these thoughts, like a pressure inside my head. I had to let it out somewhere. It's chaos in my head at the moment, voices shouting over voices; faces appearing in the crowd only to disappear a split second later. I don't know if I'm making sense. I don't know....

I wanted to apologise for not posting much lately. I just can't hear over all the voices, to get one clear line of thought sometimes. And then there is the effort of coming on here and pushing all these keys to get it out. Then the waiting, the anxiety as I hope it gets posted. I hope someone sees. The fear that something will go wrong and it will disappear and I'll have to type the thing out again, which seems all too hard.

So you see I am having trouble helping myself right now. I don't know how to help others. It' like offering a hand down to help someone up and over a cliff edge. I don't have the strength in my arms when the ground is crumbling beneath my own feet. If I only had a firm footing, I could help pull you up. I could do something good. I could do something.

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

Have we spoken already about that pic of cat?  For someone who isn't a big cat lover, it does look like a cute one.  It's a moggy ain't it?    🙂  🙂  GA, just jokes, just jokes!  🙂

Taking up the opportunity at the cattery on Monday sounds like a great thing.  GA, how many sessions have you had there now?  And how are you enjoying the experience?  Obviously the cats would be delightful - and how about the human interaction?  Is that ok for you?  I know it would be stressful and anxiety happening before hand, but I think that with the more times you can go along, the more familiar it all will be for you.

That sounds really lovely of your husband to be wanting to share his time with you.  Is it possible to try for a little GA time alone on Sunday??

I hope all goes ok for you tonight with the friends visiting.  Boy, do I know that feeling - we're just so weird aren't we?  I mean, they're our friends and all they would ever want for us is to feel ok with everything and the last thing they'd want would be for us to feel anxious about them coming over - but there we have it - anxiety is there and it sux big time.

I do hope that the reduction of meds goes ok for you over the next few days - please take care GA - and hope to hear from you whenever you feel ok to post again.

Kind regards

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

I have done just one shift. Then the anxiety kicked in and I called in sick for  the next two. Then my latest admission happened. I don't know if I can do better this time. This anxiety is hitting me something fierce. I don't know how else to be. 

Reduced meds is slightly reduced headaches but not by much. Changing meds again seems likely. People are no good for me right now. I have another OT home visit on tuesday and psych on wednesday plus any appointment for meds. So I have scheduled time for people, but tonight when the friends I thought would want to spend time with me didn't show, it reminded me of why I don't do things like that often. 

I grew up to be so independent, so introverted that independence was a sign of strength. Occasionally I have a few good friends who iwould go to the ends of the earth for over and they alllet me down tonight. So here I am, with my cats and the comedy festival to make me feel less lonely while my husbands sleeps. 

I know that there will be other times and other events. The timing was just bad, it's not me. It's just disappointing and I am oversensitive. Particularly I haven't heard from my sisters since my first night in the hospital, two weeks ago. No messages nothing. I don't know what I'd say to them. They couldn't support me when I need them the most. I don't know if I why b8ther with family. And now easter is coming up. We don't normally do any more than exchange chocolate, it's no big deal. 

But the thought of nothing this year seems appropriate. Seems all I'm worth these days. 

I guess I am just sad tonight. 

GA

[geoff]

dear GA, the thought of expecting people to arrive is always a dangerous thought, because if they don't come then that's a real let down, so we think of all the reasons why not, which some maybe true while others aren't, but our mind goes into overdrive which then leads to panic attacks and high anxiety.

Take care. L Geoff. x

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi geoff, 

Every word you say is true. I still feel so ashamed for...needing people. A part of me tells me that to be strong I shouldn't need people. But here I am on this website, after an admission in hospital. Clearly I need people. Is this weakness, or is this strength? 

Even if this is strength, to be able to say I need people and that it isn't to be ashamed of. Even if it is....most of my mind disagrees. What I wouldn't give to have nonconflicting thoughts just for once. 

Just for a moments peace.

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

For what it's worth my thought on this is the issue of needing people - I honestly don't think it's a strength nor is it a weakness.

I do think though that it's a good thing to "want" to be with people - no need to look at it too in depthly at all.  You feel like wanting to make connection with people, I think that's great.  But really, we don't need to over analyse different aspects of how we approach things.  I'm not meaning to be anything but chatty here - as in no criticism whatsoever;  just wanting to state things how my mind sees them.

Oh and from that, yes absolutely there's nothing to be ashamed of for what you've posted.

Quick question - tomorrow (as in Monday) is there any chance that hubby could go along with you to the cattery?  Even if it's just to see you get there and to get settled there - you know, if he's got something else on - so perhaps he can't stay there for the whole time, but just for a period where you feel a bit comfortable in the surroundings.   Then for Tuesday, would that be pretty good then to be able to tell your OT during that appointment that you were able to be at the cattery for your volunteer experience there?

Just thoughts GA.  🙂

Kind regards

Neil

[Vera55]

Yes, the pull and push of conflicting thoughts. No wonder it sucks us of energy and motivation. With a war on in our heads who has the room to do anything else? It's exhausting. Thank god for couches, doonas, DVDs, chocolate and whatever helps.

families and support are tricky things aren't they? I don't understand how some siblings just turn away. Don't want to know. Think we are doing it to ourselves. How do you reach out to people, who you love and want in your life and they just turn around and don't want to know. Really heartbreaking isn't it. It makes the loneliness of the illness so much more poignant.

i am sorry to say, but your social circle will change. It's like when you are the first person in your circle of friends who has a baby. All you can talk about is burps and first teeth and they talk about the latest cocktails or the newest bars. Annoying but that's just how things are.

The need for solitude is so hard too. It's the only way to regroup so to speak. In the movie The Terminator, where the baddy melts into little droplets like liquid mercury and then these tiny droplets start to merge is how I see our personalities when we start to come out of the illness. 

I think I have another hour in the garden before the dusk. Hope to come back here in a wee bit.

kind regards Vera 

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil, 

You know being chatty is what I need right know. Dark thoughts are circling.i did want to make a connection. I wanted to say to them, Look I have decided to stay here with you. Please help me keep that decision. But they weren't there. 

My husband is working tomorrow -the last few weeks of his contract so I'll either be going to the cattery alone or sending them an email saying I can't start for another two weeks. Why? Because I am not ready. Because depresiion is kicking me down at the moment and I am not capable. 

Not capable. Not useful to society. That's what I have become. I would love to tell OT that I went. I just don't feel like I can right know. 

Help.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Vera,

The push and pull of conflicting thoughts and the inability to make a decision is I suspect one of the triggers for my seizures but I don't know for sure. They don't happen everytime. 

Family.....when I was sixteen they did the same thing- they just backed off, avoided me until I was better. That's not support. Maybe I could get myself out of a hole then, by focusing on dad leaving and that I was going to be better at uni. I screwed up at uni. I don't know how to dig myself out of this one. 

I like your terminator analogy. It's just so hard to get out of the puddle. My droplets can't decide which way to go and if it's worth getting up and reforming at all. 

I know there are friends and friends. I don't rely on 70% of my friends list because they wouldn't be there. Hell, I probably see them as friend and they see me as acquaintance. They just like a post here or there. But that's fine with me because I don't  know if I'd do the same for them. They are just not that kind of friend. Out of thefour people that I invited last night, they are the four people who understand and have previously been there when I needed them, as low as I got. 

It really surprised me they didn't come last night, aftrr not visiting me in hospital. I probably shouldn't be surprised anymore. 

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

I just cancelled my volunteer shifts for two weeks. It is just too much right now. Hopefully they will let me volunteer again in future. 

GA

[geoff]

dear GA, your mind running at a million miles an hour, and this is no good, now try and lay down, but your mind has to be empty which does seem to be impossible, but put some ear phones in and listen to some music, that's what always put me to sleep, whether I cried first, but I fell asleep.

The shifts you have cancelled well I wouldn't worry about, because it's volunteer work and they will take you back at any time. L Geoff. x