Feel like this massive cloud follows me and I just bring everyone down

[CJ28]

Hi all,

I am really confused, and I don't know what to do.... I feel like there is no one that I can turn to any more. The doctor that I was seeing was brilliant, but she went back to Ireland and I haven't been able to find another doctor who seems to understand. I don't really have any friends (it's seems if you stop using Facebook people stop talking to you altogether), and I have one friend who I used to see on a regular basis, but because I am in this deep hole that I can't seem to get out of,  she hasn't  even spoken to me in a few weeks. I am going overseas with this friend and another in a few weeks (trip was booked last August), but now I don't want to go. I feel like this massive cloud follows me and I just bring everyone down. 

I am so sick of being like this. It's been 2 years. I have thought about the unthinkable to the point of making sure that all of my financial affairs were in order, I've thought about just driving off somewhere and disappearing to somewhere where no one knows who I am and just cut all ties with home and work....

I don't know what to do. I have a good job (although extremely frustrating), and I have to put on an act at work that everything is fine. I spend every minute in my room, never leaving the house. I don't want to go to overseas now, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to leave my bed. I am sick of fighting and feeling this way, and it seems like no one understands. Even the friend I see doesn't understand, she just seems to think I will just snap out of it, and I wish I could, bit I just can't.

I really don't know what to do. I'm over this well and truly. I want my old self back but I think that person is now gone forever.

[Vera55]

Hello dear CJ28.

what a rough time for you. And so much pressure with your trip coming up. I think anyone in this quandary would be experiencing doubts and frustrations.

welcome to this site. Hope that some posts can help you tease out some of these things with people who know and understand what it means to have depression and mental health struggles. Many of us have been in similar situations and might provide you with some support.

how to make friends understand that you are not well at the moment. Phew. I don't know if there is a right or wrong way. But unless we open up nothing changes. And if nothing changes we are constantly in the same space. 

I wish I took some of my own advice sometimes when in a rut.

looking forward to reading some more of your thoughts. Kind regards Vera 

[CJ28]

Hi Vera,

I just don't know what to do....

I thought I was doing ok until a few weeks ago I saw a dog get hit by a car, and the poor thing was that scared he jumped off an over pass to the road below. And despite my best efforts to take him to a vet, he didn't make it. As an animal lover, thus broke myheart.  I have dropped out of Uni (I was doing 2 degrees), I get no enjoyment from the gym or work, a friend has just started her own business that I helped set up, but now that it is off and running I'm no longer required.... I am completely lost. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I've lost all purpose...

[Tanzi]

Hi CJ

Sometimes it does feel altogether too hard. 

I find I can be cruising with a purpose and then when the purpose ends any small thing sets me off (going through what happened to the dog would) and it's like the emotions of all the bad things that have happened to me ( and there have been many ) come back tenfold and there are no colours iin the world only grey and every little task is so hard to do like going to  the shop to get food, I too have a party face that gets me through most situations, not all.

I'm currently seeing a psychologist which I feel is waisting my time so I am waiting for a Psychiatrist appointment, I also have just restarted an anti depressant that helped in the past but I stopped because I didn't think it worked anymore but I wasn't doing anything to help on top of it.

Long story short I am looking into Yoga and Meditation which I am dragging the chain on and I read Omega 3 helps along with exercise and a proper eating regime.

The anti depressant helps the endorphines stay in your body. Depression happens when they are inadequate a bit like a diabetic needs insulin, so you just need a bit of help,

Could you try googling Psychologists or Psychiatrists as they generally have a profile, and get your GP to refer you. You can have 12 free visits with a mental health plan from your GP,

I hope that's a bit of help, don't rule out the trip just yet, the tablets take a couple of weeks to work and just take one step at a time. Oh and I am writing down my feelings each day to see if there is a pattern and also to help any professional I see in the future coz it's hard to stay focused.

 Keep me posted I look forward to hearing from you x