unable to move on, exhausted everyday and faking it

[tinamon]

Hey it's my first time posting on this kind of forum so please bear with me.
For the past few years, i've been in a really crappy mental space because of a break up of a really meaningful relationship to me. I basically dropped my whole life after that, didnt go work barely went to uni at all because I was scared of facing him and couldn't bring up the energy to do anything after. Even though we had both agreed on being friends afterwards, it seemed like he found it really hard to talk to me as we used to, and I tried to stay optimistic because I felt like even if I had lost the relationship I really didn't want to lose that connection/friendship we had had. It was important to me because he got me through the first couple of years of being lonely at uni, and was a huge pillar of support, and it was also really hard to find someone at uni you could connect with that well. Right now, I know that what I feel isn't that I want to get back together, it's that we could still have an easy conversation as friends and talk about most things like before.
I tried texting and asking questions after that constantly and even felt really ashamed that I was doing so when he clearly seemed like he didn't want to talk.i hated myself for being that type of person who'd have no self respect or control and just keep texting even though he'd ignore me most of the time, and asked myself why I was being so masochistic, but I just couldn't stop myself. I only got through the last few years because he would still occasionally answer and that gave me affirmation that I could still talk to him. I've spoken with my friend about this and we've both agreed that I should lessen how much I text because it's really affecting my mood and making me really down. Please let me know if anyone has gone through the same experience. I want to stop feeling so alone, hurt and exhausted every day, as it's also affecting my other relationships with people.

[Billyc]

Hi Tina,

I read your thread,

i have to admit masochistic is new new word for me, looked it up and made my best effort putting it into context with your thread.

Breaking up with someone you still care about is the shits...

no way of painting this into a portrait.

Im sorry your going through this,

i can say that you come across as an articulate woman, intelligent and somebody that has the capacity to love someone as much as they love themself.

Well done on that front. I hate to say this but life does go on, spend your time as you need to grieve your loss and move on,

easier said then done as I find myself very much in your shoes...