Desperate to get off the hamster wheel

[Christa1]

Hi, I am new here. I have lived with depression for decades and have been on medication for the past 15 years. I work in the health industry and have worked in the mental health sector in the past. I am reaching out because I feel I have run out of options. Every single aspect of my life is problematic. My financial situation is stressful, my current work is monotonous, my teen child needs me to be strong as he has both physical & mental health issues, I have no interest in socialising, my partner doesn't understand and isn't really supportive; he also doesn't lift a finger around the house, I am constantly tired. I feel that I need everything to stop so I can just rest. I have had ad hoc time off work this year (and I only work part time) and if I keep it up I won't have a job to go back to. I feel chained to my desk and computer and I clock watch all day until I can get out of that office. To add insult to injury, the commute is over an hour each way. Work will be relocating very soon so that commute will increase to 2 hours each way. Boss is a true workaholic and does not take kindly to people having time off. I have had debt since splitting from my husband almost a decade ago and I need to work to pay it off. I have actually decided to sell my home in order to clear all my debt because I can no longer manage the stress of it. I have applied for a few jobs but have found that I am overlooked these days due to my age, despite the fact I am more than qualified. Truth is, I need time out from work. I have worked in the health sector for more than 30 years and I am completely & utterly worn out. I can't manage any of this anymore but can't afford time out. I don't know what to do. I have seen numerous psychologists in the past but nothing is actually helping me to cope day to day. I have lived with so much stress for so many years but I now feel like I am really buckling under the weight of it all.

[geoff]

Hi Christa, haven't heard from you for a long time and will get back to you.

My best.

Geoff.

[Christa1]

Thanks Geoff.

[geoff]

Hi Christa, may I ask if you sell your home, you will have enough money to pay all of your debts.

It sounds to me as though you need to have a rest and to have a partner who doesn't understand what you are going through and who doesn't help around the house, is he contributing towards groceries or utilities, and sorry to be asking because maybe this isn't helping you.

We sometimes feel like we want to run away from everything and starting from scratch can seem very appealing, however, running away from everything isn’t usually an option or the answer because where ever you go any type of depression will always follow you.

Sometimes when we spend too much time around too many people, we can’t think clearly so we feel the need to escape and to be alone, this is actually the best time to talk with your doctor and/or psychologist who you can share the load you struggling with.

In any situation when mental illness is involved, we feel as though we're locked in a room all by ourselves with only a slight crack to allow who we want to let in, but never be afraid to share your problems, there are people who can help you.

My best.

Geoff.

[Christa1]

Thank you very much Geoff for taking the time to reply and for your kind and wise words of advice. To answer your questions, yes, I will be able to completely clear my debts and be able to live somewhere cheaper. I have been thinking about moving to a regional city for a long time as I have relatives there and to not have the stress of debt that I can never get on top of is very appealing. My partner is great financially, there is no problem there as far as he's concerned, (our finances are separate) but he just doesn't seem to understand mental health issues. He's a hard worker & being an older man, I think has the attitude that I would say he was brought up with, which is to just keep a stiff upper lip & keep on going. He is not happy with his work either, but he doesn't take time off & thinks that I shouldn't either. I think he also believes that because he works full time & I work part time, then I should be doing the housework. Also, because he provides more financially, I think he expects that I should do the housework. I don't expect him to do even 50% as he is out of the house for 12 hours a day, 5 days a week, but I think he should contribute something. I think too, that his lack of contribution makes me feel unsupported by him and that's why it gets to me so much. I often have little energy and even less motivation to do much so housework over & above the basics is not top of my 'to get done' list.

I appreciate being able to share my problems here because I don't feel comfortable sharing with friends or family. I feel 'not ok' so often and I don't want to burden any family or friends with that.

I am definitely finding as time goes on, that I feel less able to tolerate noise or being around others for long. It takes an effort to socialise. I crave alone time these days and complete silence, which I am lucky enough to have one day a week.

You are right in saying I need to have a rest. I feel this is true. A mental rest. I feel over-burdened by stressors and feel I have to manage them on my own, which I actually do. It is how to get that rest that is the problem.

Thanks for your reply, Geoff.

Christa

[geoff]

Hi Christa, thanks for getting back to me.

By selling your house and clearing your debts is a great way to progress, you can start again, that's what happened to me when my ex divorced me, I was struggling mentally and financially and under a great deal of pressure, so the house was sold and my debts paid off.

I thought I'd rent just for a short time and then buy, but I'm still renting after almost 20 years.

Remember the old debate rent or buy, well interest rates are low, but you still have to pay house rates, maintenance, sewage etc, 6 of one and 6 of another.

Even though your partner contributes, I can understand him working 12 hour shifts, but you still work, clean, cook and all the other chores a person needs to do around the house, that's also traumatic and makes you feel exhausted, I'm sorry you are and adding on these debts you have to find the money for, that's a terrible feeling.

Country life is fantastic, 5 mins to the shops and 5 mins to an appointment, with no trouble in finding a parking spot, I'd never move back to Melbourne.

It may take you a little time to adjust, but debt free is great.

Hope to hear back from you, and I'm sorry if I'm a bit late in replying, but I will.

Best care.

Geoff.

[Christa1]

Thanks for replying, Geoff.

Yes, debt free would be such a load off my shoulders. Selling would also give me the breathing space to leave this job where I am chained to a desk and micro-managed. I feel so caged in and dumbed down in my current job. I have been there almost 5 years now & honestly, I don't know how I have lasted this long. It has been through pure determination, I think, as the mortgage needs to be paid. Always the doubt in the back of my mind though about getting another job, particularly as I'm not getting any younger. The last job I went for, I didn't get despite being well qualified and another job I applied for, I was not even offered an interview.

I am, however, feeling slightly more hopeful today. Just need this feeling to last so I can get stuff done & move on with things.

How are you going? How are things with you?

Regards,

Christa.

[geoff]

Hi Christa, the pressure of having to pay your mortgage is always a great concern, so a couple of things, do you have any equity in your house loan, if you do, then that would take the pressure off you.

You can also approach your bank and tell them that it's going to be sold, they will give you some leverage.

Is your partner happy for you to sell and move to the country?

I'm good and thanks for asking, just can't believe how quickly the days are going, even my sons agree, maybe the earth is spinning quicker.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Christa1]

Hi Geoff

Yes, I have equity so all good there. I have decided to contact the bank & tell them just that & see what they can do. My partner is happy to move.

I agree, the world is moving faster & faster. I am glad you are well & appreciate your words of wisdom.

Christa

[monkey_magic]

Hi Christa1,

Hope you don't me chiming in but as a job searcher I just wanted to say how tough it can be out there. Some people apply for hundreds of jobs. I've personally been rejected a lot too but I just keep trying. I have a casual job & centrelink so Im ok but it is hard to crack other opportunities so don't give up ok.

But....

Just reading back to your first post it sounds like you want a rest more than anything. Do your best to de-stress as the most important thing is your health.

I swim to de-stress. Others breath, read, listen to music..do mindfulness that sort of thing.

Housework sucks. Listening to music while doing it helps me along. As for your partner it would be disheartening for you to have him not lift a finger. I feel for you there.

Anyhow hope you are feeling less stressed 🙂

MM