TW: Depression is really bad.

[SayumH]

Hi, I'm Sam, 19 years old, 20 in a month.

As you can see, I'm struggling pretty bad. Mainly with feelings of hopelessness and loneliness. I used to fear death like crazy but nowadays it's simmered down and what's replaced it is feelings of pointlessness. When I don't fear death as bad, I sort of start to think of how pointless mine and everyone else's life is, how no matter what we do or achieve in the end, at some point we cease to exist. A key value I have for life is connections and relationships. While I do have plenty of people to call my family or friend/s, it still just doesn't feel like any of them really do care. Everything feels one sided, I message and initiate everything and either get responses hours or days later or nothing at all. I don't receive any messages asking if I wanna do something, play something, talk, or simply asking how I am, Nothing. All my 'friends' and family are nothing like me, I just disappear into the background. While I try to not let it get to me, it always has and always probably will. I'm at the point where I'm just sort of ready to give up and accept the fact that no matter what I try I will never come into the thoughts of anyone's mind. While I won't be committing suicide or anything, everyday is a bore and I can't seem to imagine that any difference would be apparent whether I was dead or alive. From an outsiders point of view I'm sure that's not the case, but in my head it sure as hell seems that way. I've spent the last 2 1/2 - 3 1/2 years in my bedroom on my computer no job no nothing. I have a warped sleep cycle where I start my day at 12 - 1ish pm. So half of the jobs I can't even make too unless I wanna feel like I'm on deaths door every time I wake up. I'm morbidly obese but starting to lose weight, but I still don't feel happy or fulfilled even when I have been able to make a change. I'm a recluse with no happiness. Everything I used to enjoy is becoming a task or something that is uninteresting anymore. I'm constantly just in a state of melancholy. Crying doesn't help, laughing doesn't help, like I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't have any dreams or aspirations other than to be married and a father at some point, yet looks like I'll be alone all my life. I don't speak to anyone about it because they can't relate, they don't know how depression or anything works. They don't know how to help, so I just keep it all to myself, and every time I do open up, nothing changes, it just becomes a drop of water in the ocean, like I never reached out. (pun included.) I've always prided myself in trying to put others happiness before me but I can only do it for so long before I forget about my own, which just so happens to be the case now. I hope you all are happy and surviving, thanks for taking the time out of your day to read my sob story, apologies for wasting your time.

Thanks, Sam

[therising]

Hi Sam

Your self expression is in no way a waste of anyone's time. Your words and feelings are of great value, have no doubt. I actually have to thank you for your self expression and how it's made things a bit clearer for me in my own life, given some of the challenges I'm facing at the moment.

I think one of the goals in life is to leave the world a better place than how we found it, when we came into it. The fact that you're so thoughtful, caring and feeling points to you becoming an amazing, conscious and beautiful dad. How you raise the next generation (your own kids) is partly how you will have changed the world for the better. As a mum to a 21yo gal and 18yo guy, if I was to leave this world tomorrow through no choice of my own, I know for a fact I would have left 2 people in it who are more conscious than the last generation (in general), more feeling, more open minded, more imaginative and more caring. How I've raised my kids is a part of my legacy, as it will spill into how they raise their children, with each generation becoming more and more conscious. There are plenty of years ahead of you in which to become a father. My older brother actually became a dad for the first time at 56, a few years back.

I think it's fair for us to say at times 'I just don't know how to do life'. Personally, if I could afford it, I'd be employing a life coach right now. No matter what stage or age of life we're facing, we can feel so lost for direction at any age. I think the kindest thing we can say to our self under the circumstances is 'No one showed me how to...'. For example, 'No one showed me how to look for the job of my dreams or even one that will simply make me happy', 'No one showed me how to manage when most of the people around me appear relatively careless and/or self focused and/or neglectful', 'No one showed me how to generate the kind of energy I need in order to easily tap into the flow (of life)' and the list goes on. They can all relate to skills we're not taught when it comes to how to manage life. For most of us, we're sent out into this world with the basic skills of how to dress our self, tie our shoe laces, go to the toilet, use good manners etc (on top of a basic academic education). It can be tough stuff, navigating life with only basic skills.

While it was only yesterday that I emailed a guy who's been of great guidance to me in the past during challenging times (a guidance counselor of sorts), I'm wondering whether you feel the need to also find someone who has the ability to show you the way. Whether it's someone who you used to find to be of great guidance to you and it's time to touch base with them again or it's perhaps about finding someone new, do you feel it's time to find a guide of sorts? Trying to navigate alone in the dark can be one of the toughest things to do in life. So much easier when someone lights the way.