Being Bipolar Feels Normal To Me - confused

[KirSa]

tl;dr: I don't know what normal is... and that's a scary thought.  I don't know what I should be aiming for now.  How do I aim for normal if I've never had it? 😥

At age 20 - homeless & seeking crisis accomodation - required to have a psych eval - diagnosed with bipolar and told I wouldn't live past 30 - given meds (epilim) and told I should find Jesus. 

Rejected meds and diagnosis - meds turned me into a zombie. 

Spent next 25 years cycling every couple of months from one failed job/relationship to another.  

In my 'mania' episodes (I guess - feels normal to me but I guess I'm just used to it), I'd lean heavily into looking for the meaning of life, and more specifically, religions, ideologies, philosophies, politics, economics, etc.  I even joined a cult or two.  I quite frequently find myself feeling I'm on the edge of discovering something completely game changing - for the entire human race - or the universe itself. Becoming a god (and you can too!).  

I inevitably become discouraged by both the complexity of the task I'm pursuing and the inability to find anyone 'on my wavelength' to comprehend it. 

Frustration and disputes... arguments, debates. Usually about unrelated things... I can't tell these fools what I'm really thinking, they'll think I'm nuts.  I focus on some other injustice at work and put my energy into that. 

There's usually a heavy binge drinking session in there every couple of months too. When I can't take it any more and need to escape from my own thoughts... cool my head down.  Usually a few bouts of this throughout the year and a job or relationship suffers and I end up unemployed and alone again.  

Commence deep depression and hopelessness - often for weeks, sometimes I pick myself up and go again hard after only a few days, then crash again in a week or two.  Wanting to grasp onto that feeling of confidence and power I was so sure of not long before. 

Countless interests and hobbies over the years.  

Good at picking myself up again though... Quick to learn new skills too.  So I've got that going for me. 

But, I'm confused.  I honestly just thought I was an undisciplined binge drinker.  I've been to many rehabs, and learned so much psychology and self help around motivation and achievement I've been told I sound like a motivational speaker. 

47y now I'm diagnosed Bipolar Disorder 1 but I don't feel any different. To other people my lifestyle is ABnormal.  But to me it IS normal.  

I don't know what normal is... and that's a scary thought.  I don't know what I should be aiming for now.  How do I aim for normal if I've never had it? 😥

[therising]

Hi KirSa

I think when it comes to 'normal' there'd be a lot of different takes on it. Not having anyone around who can relate to us can give the illusion that we're not normal, that there's something really 'broken' about us.

I heard or read somewhere a particular take on 'normal' that I can probably best relate to. It suggested that it's normal to experience a whole lot of different or altered states of consciousness over our life time. Some of those states may be basic and some may be extreme and then there's everything in between. Some shifts may come about easily and naturally, some through trauma and some will be self induced, all based on certain triggers. The self induced shifts can be related to drugs and alcohol. We can have dozens of shifts in consciousness in a day or perhaps just a few, all depending on who or what shifts our conscious focus. For example, when our bladder's full, we'll feel it (suddenly becoming conscious of the existence of our bladder and the need to empty it). A more extreme shift in consciousness could involve someone throwing a seriously mind altering revelation our way, that alters our perception into a major life changing shift.

As a 53yo gal, I've experienced a variety of different states of consciousness over the years when it comes to the more extreme shifts. I've experienced periods of becoming fully conscious of everything that's depressing (for days, weeks, months or years at a time). I've become fully conscious of what derealisation feels like on a couple of occasions. I've become conscious of extreme states of wonder, to the point where it's obsessive and compulsive, creating disorder in my life. I've become conscious of what the imagination can do when it's completely out of control (creating hallucinations) and the list goes on. All very different states and while confusing and even fearful at times, I came to make sense of such states. What helped me make sense of them involved 3 different takes on them, all rolled into one. I often explore things from a mental perspective, a physical (biological, neurological, chemical etc) perspective and a spiritual or natural perspective. While I appreciate all 3 different perspectives, my fave would have to be the spiritual angle. It tends to take what can appear as some form of insanity and explain it in natural terms. For example, that dialogue in our head that says 'You' could be acknowledged as 'the inner sage' or, for some people, 'divine guidance' (if that's what brings them a sense of comfort and joy). So, you could be experiencing the worst day of your life when suddenly what comes to mind could be 'This is the worst you will ever feel. You are on the verge of the kind of change you are so desperate for'. If you tell someone in the world of psychology that the voices in your head are guiding you, things may not go so well.

I think one of the best documentaries that questions what's normal would have to be 'Crazywise'. It looks at mental wellbeing in regard to how it's perceived and treated in western cultures vs other cultures (including tribal cultures from around the world).

[KirSa]

Thanks for your reply therising. 

I think there are 2 contributing factors here to my feeling that I'm not fitting in: 

1. Not having anyone who relates to my experience of "normal" - intensely focussed and passionate, then frustrated and jaded, then rebellious and uncaring, then depressed and apathetic.  

2. Psychiatry defines my behaviour/response to the world as a disorder.

I used to think that everyone else was crazy... that I saw and felt the world differently and therefore my behaviour was unique and appropriate... I still do.  That makes me different, but not crazy... not bipolar... just, in fact, better.  The frustrations and coping mechanisms I've developed are the price I pay for being, I guess, more enlightened than others. 

Essentially... I walk around day to day with an awareness of the profundity of it all and a desire to explore it, while I see most people arguing about mundane crap like gender, skin colour, religion, etc. There's no sense to it. Our potential is profound individually, and unfathomable if working together.  Yet *gesticulates broadly* this!  /sigh

Maybe the cultural thing has some merit though.  I haven't seen that doco but I'll check it out.  Perhaps my place is as a shaman in a tribe somewhere haha! 

Based on your other comments about the voice in your head and spirituality, you might find the book "The Origin of Consciousness in the Breakdown of the Bicameral Mind" by Julian Jaynes interesting.  

Thank you for your reply 🙂 

[therising]

Hi KirSa

Thanks for the book recommendation, I'll check it out. I appreciate anything that holds the potential to open my mind a little more. From psychology to philosophy to quantum physics, consciousness seems to be something that's questioned across the board, with the ultimate question being 'What is it and how does it work?'. A truly fascinating topic.

You touch on something that definitely resonates. Frustrations and coping mechanisms, among other things, point to what's normal under the circumstances. Is it normal that under the circumstances of becoming more conscious our senses are heightened? Absolutely. Is it normal that we would come to rely on our ability to get a sense or a feel for certain situations and people (our self included)? For sure. Is it normal that while developing the ability to sense we're going to struggle somewhat when it comes to fine tuning that which we're developing? You bet. Unless we can meet a guide or master who can show us how to manage the ability to feel everything, we can remain a seriously frustrated apprentice at times.

I can relate to what feels like a cycle at times: 1)Intensely focused and passionate, then 2)frustrated and jaded, then 3)rebellious and uncaring, then 4)depressed and apathetic. If you imagine a clock face, 1) relates to some form of inspiration that becomes a driving force and can have and exciting and energising feel to it. It starts at 12 and can run 'til around quarter past. At quarter past I can feel disappointment in some form, which can run 'til around half past. Typically, the disappointment's about feeling let down, put down, brought down or any other down. Around half past, disappointment can turn to resentment and even anger (depending on what the situation's about). I tend to emotionally detach from people, based on me not wanting to feel so much. By quarter to, there comes to be a deep sadness and an incredible sense of loneliness, abandonment or separation. At times it can feel like some form of overwhelming grief. It becomes a time of deep reflection before 5 to hits and some new revelation comes out of the whole thing. This helps me make sense of it all and then, BAMM, I'm back on a high with my energising revelation fueling me and the cycle starts again at 12 o'clock. Through each cycle, a greater sense of consciousness develops. I like to call it 'cycling up'. The hardest part of the cycle would have to involve the most depressing part of it.

[KirSa]

I have not managed the past few days well 😞

I've been trying to do too much and take on too much... my brain gets so overwhelmed.  

For 2 days I persisted... I tried to keep up. 

I don't understand how only a month ago I was found passed out on the side of the road... and just a short time later I'm still awake at 7am after a massive night. 

I watched the doco you recommended.  I don't think I could go a silent retreat but I can completely see the benefit.  The noise from the world gets too much for me.  I fill my head with noise, distraction, stimulants (coffee/sugar) and bring it down with alcohol when I can't take any more.  Maybe I don't want to spend time inside my mind. Which is weird, because I spend SO much time inside my mind, thinking about it. 

I don't want to take the antipsychotic meds.  The side effects are terrible. Makes you fat (I'm already overweight) and messes with your heart.  Jesus, I'm already headed for an early grave, are they trying to help me get there?

I think I'll be getting off the coffee though. That seems to get me too elevated. 

Thanks for listening. I don't know if this is the right place to just write my thoughts but it seems to help. 

[therising]

Hi KirSa

A silent retreat would definitely be hard. I think that's partly based on how emotions are managed. Some highly emotional thoughts have got to be verbally vented and/or shared and made greater sense of at times, otherwise they can become overwhelming. I imagine there are ways of managing that.

While it took me some years to come to relate to some of the philosophies of Eckhart Tolle, I've found his take on thinking and thought to be both fascinating and liberating. Whether it involves the compulsion to make sense of everything all of the time (mental processing), the desire to think our way out of our suffering and into different ways of being, the challenge to quiet or stop our thoughts or even the ability to recognise the difference between the thoughts we think up and the ones that simply come to us seemingly from out of nowhere, thinking or thought itself is a fascinating topic. The impact it has on our energy systems (vascular, muscular, nervous, immune, endocrine etc) is one thing. The impact it has on our imagination and what we see through our imagination is another. The impact on our chemistry yet another. Even our soulful or natural perception of things can be impacted by our thoughts. What triggers a lack of thought, just enough thought or even hyper thinking is a whole other thing. I'd say one of the greatest challenges involves being completely thoughtless and just allowing things to naturally come to mind. You know, those moments where some revelation suddenly comes to mind and you find yourself saying with pure amazement 'Where the heck did that come from?'. There are certain meditations that involve fully relaxing into asking a question (for guidance) and and simply seeing what comes to mind. Some call it meditation, some call it prayer. No matter how we label it, as long as it works that's what matters.

It's a tough one with the alcohol. While providing a sometimes much needed thoughtless experience, being an ex binge drinker I'd always take it too far (one of the reasons I rarely drink these days). While to be happily completely thoughtless and just feel (feelings of peace or excitement or relaxation or inspiration), I found it also deprived me of the ability to tap into certain aspects of self. It can shut down access to the inner sage that may say 'Whatever you do, do not do that!'. It can shut down access to the analyst who can see exactly where a certain situation is heading. I find it switches me off from the intuitive part of me, that's much needed at times. While I believe the sage or the more intuitive part of me used to say 'That's enough now' regarding the binge, there'd always be the party animal inside of me screaming 'More, just one more' on repeat. While alcohol can definitely trigger some exciting aspects of us to come to life, it can also trigger some highly undisciplined and challenging aspects too. The dancer in me loves a few drinks 😁